Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

onwards&upwards

Snuggles wrote: »

This is what I struggle with. My own parents would never allow me to do what OH is doing on their behalf. FIL isn't daft, I find it hard to believe that he is oblivious to the impact that this must be having on OH and on our lives. It may be that he chooses not to think about it, as that's easier for him, but I struggle to understand how a parent in this situation would not be concerned for their child's welfare.

FIL is early 70s.

Wow, he’s not elderly at all. This could go on for decades if nothing changes.

Mojisola

Snuggles wrote: »

FIL is early 70s.

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Wow, he’s not elderly at all. This could go on for decades if nothing changes.

I thought he was probably 20 years older than that!

That makes it even more important that your OH needs to reduce his contact - with the stress he's coping with, his Dad could well outlive his son.

Snuggles

justme111 wrote: »

So you are after changing not the most harmful biggest issue but the one which is more realistic to change in your opinion.
Spending time with your OH driving would not be on your terms , exactly.
You use undefined adverbs -"sometimes", "often". Would you be able to go once a month? If not why not? Is once a month "too often"? Would you be happy with that arrangement? If not why not - after all it is a lot of time with your OH?
Please do not get upset with me for questioning you - I find it when I am stuck in a perception of something emotive questioning helps.

I'm assuming you haven't read the whole thread. I've already answered about my OH's work. I would love it if he didnt work such long hours, but unless I start demanding that he changes the career that he has passionately pursued for years i'm not sure what i can do about it.

I dont know what you mean about time driving with OH not being on my terms. When I go with him I share the driving, the chores at FILS etc. So I just dont know what you mean. I have said repeatedly i cant go frequently due to commitments at home. Me being at home enables OH to be away so much. Im not going into details to preserve my anonymity. In any case, I dont think the specifics of how often i go are relevant, the issue is the frequency of visits. Even if I went every single time its still a massive strain on OH.

Pollycat

Snuggles wrote: »

I'm assuming you haven't read the whole thread. I've already answered about my OH's work. I would love it if he didnt work such long hours, but unless I start demanding that he changes the career that he has passionately pursued for years i'm not sure what i can do about it.

As you've been unable to get your husband to cut down on his fortnightly visits to his not-so-elderly Father, I can't see you having any success in persuading him to change his job. :cool:

Snuggles

Pollycat wrote: »

As you've been unable to get your husband to cut down on his fortnightly visits to his not-so-elderly Father, I can't see you having any success in persuading him to change his job. :cool:

Well quite!

Mojisola

Just to give another perspective, my OH goes to see his Dad every Sunday (a 3 hour round trip).

My OH is of a similar age to your FIL and his Dad is close to 100!

Sea_Shell

Mojisola wrote: »

Just to give another perspective, my OH goes to see his Dad every Sunday (a 3 hour round trip).

My OH is of a similar age to your FIL and his Dad is close to 100!

So I assume your OH is retired, not working long hours. His dad probably hasn't got 20 years (potentially) ahead of him, and again, I assume he's quite frail now, at 100!!

How long has he being doing that for?

Also, that's perfectly OK if everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Do you not have times when you'd like to do other things, on those days, ever, and wish he didn't have to go?

justme111

Snuggles wrote: »

I'm assuming you haven't read the whole thread. I've already answered about my OH's work. I would love it if he didnt work such long hours, but unless I start demanding that he changes the career that he has passionately pursued for years i'm not sure what i can do about it.

I dont know what you mean about time driving with OH not being on my terms. When I go with him I share the driving, the chores at FILS etc. So I just dont know what you mean. I have said repeatedly i cant go frequently due to commitments at home. Me being at home enables OH to be away so much. Im not going into details to preserve my anonymity. In any case, I dont think the specifics of how often i go are relevant, the issue is the frequency of visits. Even if I went every single time its still a massive strain on OH.

Yes I have read it. I am just pointing to you that you are trying to address not the main issue. I am not saying addressing the main one would be viable. I meant that you sharing the driving once a month would solve the problem of you not being with him once a month - exactly what you were after. If you do not see it I do not know how else I can say it . You accepted your OH working punishing hours and due to it not having time for you , but you can not accept him taking two weekends a month for his father and due to it not having time for you. You tried to change it but he dag his heels in as he does not like pressure. It feels like the more time passes the bigger issue it is becoming in your head. You yourself are probably worried that you are stuck. So just reinforcing your position is not going to help, is it? Doing the same and expecting different results is not going to work.

Sea_Shell

Sitting in a car together on a long journey, when the driver needs to be concentrating on the road, is not my idea of "quality time together", and I doubt its the OP's either!

seven-day-weekend

Being in the car together is better than no time together at all!

However, the OP has reasons why this is not viable very often, so I don't think that this needs to be discussed further.

There really is only the OP's husband who can do anything to change the situation.