Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Pollycat

Snuggles wrote: »

People, including you, have been very helpful, and I am grateful for all the replies. It has helped me to clarify my thinking on this issue. But I think I will bow out now, as this is getting a bit fraught, and I'm not sure what people are expecting from me. I've tried to answer the replies and suggestions as honestly and fully as I can.

S'OK.
I'm out anyway.

I hope you resolve the issue before it's too late.

Primrose

Snuggles, I sense you've reached the point where you feel you're going round and round in circles on this issue and not getting anywhere productive.

So can I suggest an alternative option when you are able to pick the right moment with your husband.

Suggest to him that you both go to marriage counselling.

I say this because your OH's reaction will probably be shock and to ask "why the hell do we need marriage counselling? There's nothing wrong with our marriage."

It may come as a shock to him that you might be suggesting that your marriage is in trouble while he blithely goes about his business but when he thinks about it he might start to realise that something may be seriously wrong if you are suggesting that your marriage is in need of some outside help because one issue is eroding away at it which could end in damaging consequences.

He may also start to understand that your silence for the past two years is not a signal that all has been well but that that issues are lurking beneath the surface which are festering and not being dealt with.

If he genuinely then starts to understand what is the elephant in the room of your relatiioship he might start to view things from a slightly different perspective. I also think that exploring this key issue in a neutral environment may help bring about a better compromise and allow you both to express and explore your feelings in non aggressive environment.

Tammykitty

I am going to come at this from a different angle.


I am moving to somewhere abut a 2.5 hour drive from my parents, to be with my husband - where he works and where his friends and family are.


I currently live 2 mile from my parents.


OP do you live in your home area - and are your family nearby?


I will be going to visit to my parents any weekends I choose, and my husband will be coming with me a lot of the time.
Sometimes it may be once a month, others 5 weekends in a row.
Its part of the parcel of me moving far away from them.


If however many years down the line - my husband decides me visiting my parents every other weekend is too much, and I should cut down on the visits to spend more time with him, I would not be happy (I may decide myself to cut down on visits home as it is having an impact on my health or my marriage - but it would be my decision alone).


I actually find time travelling with my husband is a wonderful time for chatting and putting the world to rights - no TV, phones etc to distract us.


My husband supports me and I know he never have an issue with my visiting "home" at weekends, he would also never expect them to upsticks and move closer to us, nor would I - if the time comes when they need more care - we will move closer to them or hire someone to care for them.


OP - does your husband do the visits every other weekend out of duty, or is he like me, and doing it because he wants too?
You husband works long hours and you have commitments that mean you can't go with him most times to visit his dad.


Maybe you need to look at these commitments and the long hours he works as things to change as well as the visits to his dad. Working long hours makes people tired as much as long trips at weekends - could he reduce his hours?


If he took some annual leave and spent an extra day at his dads would this help him be less tired?


Perhaps spend an extra day there one weekend and then have it 3 weeks before the next visit?


As an aside my husbands family live abroad and he goes to visit them for weeks at a time, and as much a I would rather have him at home during these times, I wouldn't ever suggest he doesn't go. The visits do tire him out - he comes home with jet lag and is exhausted for a time and goes straight back to work as he has used his leave for the visit, during that time, I make his life as easy as possible and support him.


OP - make the most of the quiet weekends without your husband - arrange to meet up with your friends and family, have a girls night out, spend time on your own hobbies, starting seeing the time as "me" time and stop stressing about the lack of "us" time.


As for your husbands health - talk to him about it, on the weekends he is at home - make sure he gets rest.


Driving 300 miles would tire me out - but it doesn't bother my husband - in fact it destresses him - everyone is different.


I would advise you to be careful not to come between your husband and his dad - he could resent you for it if anything happens to his dad.


My MIL died at a youngish age - and I was glad then that I not only "allowed" my husband to visit them so much, however much I resented it - I actually encouraged him to go.


I am also assuming you don't have young children, if you do its a different situation completely.

Snuggles

Primrose wrote: »

Snuggles, I sense you've reached the point where you feel you're going round and round in circles on this issue and not getting anywhere productive.

So can I suggest an alternative option when you are able to pick the right moment with your husband.

Suggest to him that you both go to marriage counselling.

I say this because your OH's reaction will probably be shock and to ask "why the hell do we need marriage counselling? There's nothing wrong with our marriage."

It may come as a shock to him that you might be suggesting that your marriage is in trouble while he blithely goes about his business but when he thinks about it he might start to realise that something may be seriously wrong if you are suggesting that your marriage is in need of some outside help because one issue is eroding away at it which could end in damaging consequences.

He may also start to understand that your silence for the past two years is not a signal that all has been well but that that issues are lurking beneath the surface which are festering and not being dealt with.

If he genuinely then starts to understand what is the elephant in the room of your relatiioship he might start to view things from a slightly different perspective. I also think that exploring this key issue in a neutral environment may help bring about a better compromise and allow you both to express and explore your feelings in non aggressive environment.

That's a really interesting suggestion, and not something I'd thought of before, thank you. I will certainly consider it, especially if trying to discuss the issue gets us nowhere.

justme111

Good idea. I predict him either refusing to do it or sabotaging it under excuse of no time. I think pressure will achieve nothing until he sees what is happening himself. In order to be able to help him to see what is happening you would have to be on side , not entrenched in a dispute. Would require time( without pressure, whether open or covert and patience. So I reckon accepting it is the way it is and bracing yourself for when resolution comes is what required. I think he may be stuck in fortnightly visits as a prove to himself that he copes. From what you said work needs to change but he would need to see that however important it is life is even more important.
All said from a position of someone who just separated due to issues that now ex partner have not acknowledged as such and have not addressed as a result( I written about it on here so you can bring that thread up to see where I am coming from).

Snuggles

Tammykitty wrote: »

I am going to come at this from a different angle.


I am moving to somewhere abut a 2.5 hour drive from my parents, to be with my husband - where he works and where his friends and family are.


I currently live 2 mile from my parents.


OP do you live in your home area - and are your family nearby?


I will be going to visit to my parents any weekends I choose, and my husband will be coming with me a lot of the time.
Sometimes it may be once a month, others 5 weekends in a row.
Its part of the parcel of me moving far away from them.


If however many years down the line - my husband decides me visiting my parents every other weekend is too much, and I should cut down on the visits to spend more time with him, I would not be happy (I may decide myself to cut down on visits home as it is having an impact on my health or my marriage - but it would be my decision alone).


I actually find time travelling with my husband is a wonderful time for chatting and putting the world to rights - no TV, phones etc to distract us.


My husband supports me and I know he never have an issue with my visiting "home" at weekends, he would also never expect them to upsticks and move closer to us, nor would I - if the time comes when they need more care - we will move closer to them or hire someone to care for them.


OP - does your husband do the visits every other weekend out of duty, or is he like me, and doing it because he wants too?
You husband works long hours and you have commitments that mean you can't go with him most times to visit his dad.


Maybe you need to look at these commitments and the long hours he works as things to change as well as the visits to his dad. Working long hours makes people tired as much as long trips at weekends - could he reduce his hours?


If he took some annual leave and spent an extra day at his dads would this help him be less tired?


Perhaps spend an extra day there one weekend and then have it 3 weeks before the next visit?


As an aside my husbands family live abroad and he goes to visit them for weeks at a time, and as much a I would rather have him at home during these times, I wouldn't ever suggest he doesn't go. The visits do tire him out - he comes home with jet lag and is exhausted for a time and goes straight back to work as he has used his leave for the visit, during that time, I make his life as easy as possible and support him.


OP - make the most of the quiet weekends without your husband - arrange to meet up with your friends and family, have a girls night out, spend time on your own hobbies, starting seeing the time as "me" time and stop stressing about the lack of "us" time.


As for your husbands health - talk to him about it, on the weekends he is at home - make sure he gets rest.


Driving 300 miles would tire me out - but it doesn't bother my husband - in fact it destresses him - everyone is different.


I would advise you to be careful not to come between your husband and his dad - he could resent you for it if anything happens to his dad.


My MIL died at a youngish age - and I was glad then that I not only "allowed" my husband to visit them so much, however much I resented it - I actually encouraged him to go.


I am also assuming you don't have young children, if you do its a different situation completely.

Thanks for your reply. I'm not trying to stop my OH from visiting his father, or saying that he should never do it on a weekend. What you are saying sounds all very wonderful, but you're not actually doing it yet, and you've said your plans aren't set in stone. With my OH it is set in stone, that he will go every other weekend, no matter what. The only time he didn't was when we went on holiday. He even went when our wedding anniversary fell on the weekend he was going to FILs. Will you be doing that? Or would you think, hang on, I think the visit to my parents could wait until next weekend?

It is this rigid inflexibility that I don't understand and that I think is unreasonable. Even if he wouldn't commit to always reducing the visits to one weekend in three, even if he just sometimes had two weekends in a row at home, that would be something.

I think he is doing the visits more out of a sense of duty rather than because it's something he enjoys, and because he has allowed FIL to fall into the expectation that he will be there every other weekend.

Pollycat

Pollycat wrote: »

S'OK.
I'm out anyway.

Doing what I don't like doing after this ^^^^ but Tammykitty's post reminded me of this:

Snuggles wrote: »

He is also rattling around in a six bed period house which he can't possibly maintain himself, but he doesn't want to move, either to downsize or to be closer to us.

This is unsustainable.
He clearly can't cope now and it's really not going to get any better.

Once you've sorted the issue of fortnightly visits, I think your FIL's ongoing living arrangements is something you maybe need to discuss with your husband.

FIL really should be thinking about how he will manage as he becomes less mobile.
I'm sure the 6 bed period house has stairs.
Will he consider a stair life in the future?
Does he have an accessible shower?
etc etc

I've read posts on here about people 'future-proofing' their homes ready for when they are less mobile.
I think your FIL should be either doing the same or acknowledging that a 6 bed period house (probably with a large garden) isn't the best place to live for someone whose closest relative is miles away.

My Mum really didn't want to move into a care home.
But with fears for her safety - falls, leaving cooker rings on etc - there really wasn't a lot of choice left to us.

Sometimes it's not so much about what someone wants but more about what is best for them.

paddy's_mum

Snuggles - you are not being unreasonable. Your husband is and that is the bottom line!

Good luck.

Tammykitty

Snuggles wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I'm not trying to stop my OH from visiting his father, or saying that he should never do it on a weekend. What you are saying sounds all very wonderful, but you're not actually doing it yet, and you've said your plans aren't set in stone. With my OH it is set in stone, that he will go every other weekend, no matter what. The only time he didn't was when we went on holiday. He even went when our wedding anniversary fell on the weekend he was going to FILs. Will you be doing that? Or would you think, hang on, I think the visit to my parents could wait until next weekend?

It is this rigid inflexibility that I don't understand and that I think is unreasonable. Even if he wouldn't commit to always reducing the visits to one weekend in three, even if he just sometimes had two weekends in a row at home, that would be something.

I think he is doing the visits more out of a sense of duty rather than because it's something he enjoys, and because he has allowed FIL to fall into the expectation that he will be there every other weekend.

We currently do the every other weekend as he works in one area and I work in the other and we alternate weekends - but we are flexible about it, although if I have 2 weekends at home, currently we have 2 weekends in his home town the next time - we try to keep it reasonably even.


If it was our wedding anniversary I would ensure we are together - but might go to my parents the following 2 weekends, but then again I might not - like you say the plans won't be set in stone.


Long distance marriage has been hard and I can't wait to be together during the week - but I am being careful about setting the ground rules for changing it, I still have responsibilities at "home", and sometimes I will probably be visiting out of duty, and may be tired or whatever, but I will probably still do it, other weekends I will be doing it because I want to and I miss them.


The inflexibility would be a major issue for me too!


I was given advice on here a long time ago about how to survive my long distance marriage and some of the answers were about arranging things to do when we aren't together - this was very beneficial and stopped me resenting him being away so much (in fact sometimes I resented being at home lol!), so I am giving you the same advice (even though the circumstances are different)


I notice you didn't answer where your family live - if your family live 5 mins down the road and you see them all the time, it may be hard for him to accept you spending time with them, but not going with him to his family.


Does your OH see his old friends and extended family too when he is at his Dads?


Families are complicated.


Counselling could be a very good idea for you both or just sit down and talk about it both setting out your own side, and the other listening.
As you have said you have talked to your husband about how you feel, but has he told you how he feels?


I don't think your being unreasonable either - but make sure you consider all possibilities for how to spend more quality time together - not just cutting down visits to FIL - they are just part of the issue not the whole issue


Good luck OP, I hope you find a solution that works for you both and your families.

Snuggles

Pollycat wrote: »

Doing what I don't like doing after this ^^^^

I'm doing the same - it seems rude not to keep replying when people take the time to post!

Pollycat wrote: »

This is unsustainable.
He clearly can't cope now and it's really not going to get any better.

Once you've sorted the issue of fortnightly visits, I think your FIL's ongoing living arrangements is something you maybe need to discuss with your husband.

FIL really should be thinking about how he will manage as he becomes less mobile.
I'm sure the 6 bed period house has stairs.
Will he consider a stair life in the future?
Does he have an accessible shower?
etc etc

I've read posts on here about people 'future-proofing' their homes ready for when they are less mobile.
I think your FIL should be either doing the same or acknowledging that a 6 bed period house (probably with a large garden) isn't the best place to live for someone whose closest relative is miles away.

My Mum really didn't want to move into a care home.
But with fears for her safety - falls, leaving cooker rings on etc - there really wasn't a lot of choice left to us.

Sometimes it's not so much about what someone wants but more about what is best for them.

I completely agree. FIL already can't manage stairs. He has had a wet room put in downstairs and his dining room is now his bedroom. He can get about ok downstairs, and he can look after his own daily needs, but as he gets older he is inevitably going to be at increasing risk of falls, given his poor mobility.

So in that sense, he has already made some adaptions so that he can manage day to day in the home, for now. However, he says he can't manage without OH's visits. To my mind, if that's true, it means he can't manage in that home. Apart from anything else, he is in a very precarious position if he is completely reliant on a child who lives so far away. What if OH breaks his leg? Taking my feelings and concern for OH out of it, I feel it would be far more sensible for FIL to look at what other support he could have from a carer, home help, handyman or whatever, so that he can rely on that, week in, week out. And OH can still visit, just with a bit more flexibility and without feeling that he has no choice (which I believe is how OH feels).