Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

paddy's_mum

It will all be academic if this stubborn devil doesn't bend his neck...as in, divorce court, here we come!

In essence, this is a matrimonial problem not an in-laws one.

Sea_Shell

After 2 years of this, I'd have probably has a blazing row by now...or confiscated his car keys, including the spare!!!

It's the age old conundrum of who comes first, your spouse or your parents?

OP, your not saying he can't go, just please not quite so often.

Pollycat

Sea_Shell wrote: »

After 2 years of this, I'd have probably has a blazing row by now...or confiscated his car keys, including the spare!!!

It's the age old conundrum of who comes first, your spouse or your parents?

OP, your not saying he can't go, just please not quite so often.

But he's not listening...

maman

Marisco wrote: »

Maybe he hasn't done so because he knows his dad will be difficult/sulk/row/whatever. Only he (and the op) knows what the likely reaction will be, but whoever does it, it does need to be done before the poor man collapses with exhaustion.

I know it was the wife that started the thread so maybe this explains why most posters are sympathetic.

It could be that the son is really unaware of how strongly his wife feels. She says they haven't discussed it in a while. Maybe he feels he's doing the right thing by his dad and that his wife is supportive of him and busy with her own local commitments while he's away.

GreenQueen

My father died earlier this year. My brother lives very close to my mum and I'm 100 miles away. After the first few weeks I was very careful not to develop a regular pattern, e.g. I may leave two weeks between visits, then three weeks and then go the following week.

Once you set an expectation that it will be "once a fortnight", it is then very difficult to change.

onwards&upwards

Marisco wrote: »

Thing is though, when "kids" get married parents have to realise that their "child" has different priorities, which will not include putting their parents first. My daughter lives not far off 300 miles away, about a 5/6 hour drive, there is no way I'd expect her to come up here every other weekend, in fact I'd be as mad as hell knowing what the journey entails.



Is there any way that you could get one of his (FIL) friends to have a chat with him and make him see how unreasonable he's being, expecting your oh to drive up every other weekend? He might listen to a mate. Another thing is age, which you don't mention, if he's mid to late 80's, then maybe it's worth hanging on in there as it cannot last much longer, but if he's only 60's/70's then this could go on another 20 odd years!!

Sod’s law would be if she goes with this approach and he lives to 99!

onwards&upwards

Marisco wrote: »

Maybe it's just me then, but I wouldn't dream of having my kids run round like a blue a**d fly for me. The reason I said a friend have a word is because I can well imagine the FIL putting a guilt trip on the op's oh, if he brought it up himself. As I said if there was light at the end of the tunnel due to age, then it probably could be just about doable for a couple more years, but if this is likely to go on for years and years, then whichever way it's done, it needs to be sorted sharpish.

Neither would my grandmother, 5 or 10 years ago. She would definitely let us run ourselves ragged keeping her company now if we didn’t set boundaries. The change has come as she’s gone into her late eighties and as she’s had to live alone for the first time, combined with the fact that her empathy skills have really declined in old age as well as her hearing and her tact!

Older people don’t have to have dementia to have changes in their brains and their behaviour, it’s true they can get pretty selfish.

Pollycat

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Neither would my grandmother, 5 or 10 years ago. She would definitely let us run ourselves ragged keeping her company now if we didn’t set boundaries. The change has come as she’s gone into her late eighties and as she’s had to live alone for the first time, combined with the fact that her empathy skills have really declined in old age as well as her hearing and her tact!

Older people don’t have to have dementia to have changes in their brains and their behaviour, it’s true they can get pretty selfish.

Does she know she's being selfish and demanding though?

Some people think the OP's FIL is being just that.
I'm not convinced.

Slinky

There could be a possibility that FIL doesn't want/need OP's OH to keep turning up every fortnight, but he doesn't know how to tell his son this as he doesn't want to upset him....

Pollycat

Slinky wrote: »

There could be a possibility that FIL doesn't want/need OP's OH to keep turning up every fortnight, but he doesn't know how to tell his son this as he doesn't want to upset him....

That would be pretty ironic.