Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

onwards&upwards

Pollycat wrote: »

Does she know she's being selfish and demanding though?

Some people think the OP's FIL is being just that.
I'm not convinced.

Well she isn’t being demanding, but if we were all willing to do he kind of thing the OP’s husband is she wouldn’t see a problem. Awareness of other people having full and busy lives and jobs and families even though she doesn’t anymore seems to come and go.

I don’t think there’s much point musing on how much control the FIL might have over his feelings etc. The husband is the issue, he’s definitely perfectly capable of realising how damaging and unsustainable the situation is,

Snuggles

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Well, if it were me, I think I would still be looking to see if I could find FTTD (Fun Things To Do) in FIL's area, and driving up to do them, and share the driving, spending minimal time with FIL.

As an example, yesterday DH wanted to take part in a board game competition about an hour's drive away. He doesn't enjoy driving. I didn't want to spend all day there, but was happy to spend an afternoon there. He drove up, I did my own stuff in the morning, then caught a train, hit the shops, then we drove home together. Obviously that was do-able because it was easy to get to.

But we've done the same with weekends when he and I wanted / needed to do 'different' stuff.

Thanks for the suggestion. As much as I want to support OH, the thought of regularly travelling all that way and then having to find things to do to by myself to fill my time, when i could be doing things I need or want to do at home, does not appeal at all! I can't go too often anyway, and when I do, I'd rather spend the time with OH and FIL.

Snuggles

Marisco wrote: »

I agree up to a point Polly, but I think FIL is being unreasonable. Surely anyone could see that a journey of 300 miles a weekend on top of working long hours is asking for (medical) problems. I can't be the only one surely who'd be horrified if my kids did this, and would tell them in no uncertain terms to stop it? It might help if we knew how old FIL is.

This is what I struggle with. My own parents would never allow me to do what OH is doing on their behalf. FIL isn't daft, I find it hard to believe that he is oblivious to the impact that this must be having on OH and on our lives. It may be that he chooses not to think about it, as that's easier for him, but I struggle to understand how a parent in this situation would not be concerned for their child's welfare.

FIL is early 70s.

justme111

Well , you would have 10 hours with just your OH in the car without FIL but you turn it down because it would not be on your terms - where and when you want to. I reckon to do it once a month is not that big a deal. Then at FIL's you could help as well or cook a meal which you could take back with you for later during the week or read a book or catch up on paperwork. Work takes 4/5th of your husbands time, rest 1/10th and FIL 1/10th and you are resenting that 1/10th. Is not is obvious that it is work which is responsible for a bulk of the time and health issue?
Although having said that I probably would have felt similar specially if husband instead of being apologetic about it is ignoring you ...

Snuggles

Slinky wrote: »

There could be a possibility that FIL doesn't want/need OP's OH to keep turning up every fortnight, but he doesn't know how to tell his son this as he doesn't want to upset him....

This is definitely not the case. Whenever I go with OH, FIL comments on how he doesn't know how he could manage without my OH's visits. I've had to bite my tongue on many an occasion.

Primrose

I suspect FIL is exerting a certain amount of emotional blackmail here in his comments. If he manages to live for a fortnight at a time doing bits of shopping and going out socialising with friends, he's not in a really dire state, and if he has jobs which need to be done around the house in between times, there are surely outside agencies who could help.

Perhaps as well as the company, he's enjoying having a source of free labour? I personally think it's time his wife got a fairer share of his time, quart apart from the issue that the commuting is putting a serious strain on his health. . Surely once every three or four weeks ought to be a reasonable compromise?

Snuggles

justme111 wrote: »

Well , you would have 10 hours with just your OH in the car without FIL but you turn it down because it would not be on your terms - where and when you want to....

None of this has been on my terms. In any case, as I've already said several times, I do go with OH sometimes, but I can't do it frequently due to commitments at home. I said I wouldn't want to go there and then go off and do things on my own in response to a specific suggestion from another poster - I'd rather go there and spend the time with my OH and FIL. Not sure how you are seeing that as a bad thing?

justme111 wrote: »

Is not is obvious that it is work which is responsible for a bulk of the time and health issue?

Yes it's obvious, but it's also not realistically going to change (unless my OH quits). From my perspective, the frequency of the visits to FIL is something that's it's actually possible to change.

Snuggles

Primrose wrote: »

I suspect FIL is exerting a certain amount of emotional blackmail here in his comments. If he manages to live for a fortnight at a time doing bits of shopping and going out socialising with friends, he's not in a really dire state, and if he has jobs which need to be done around the house in between times, there are surely outside agencies who could help.

Perhaps as well as the company, he's enjoying having a source of free labour? I personally think it's time his wife got a fairer share of his time, quart apart from the issue that the commuting is putting a serious strain on his health. . Surely once every three or four weeks ought to be a reasonable compromise?

Thank you. I do feel there is some emotional blackmail, perhaps intentional, perhaps not, and that's why OH has found it easier to just carry on rather than broach the subject with FIL. I totally understand that FIL wants to see his son, and I'm sure he benefits both emotionally and practically. But from my perspective a compromise of once every three weeks is indeed a reasonable compromise. It would give OH a bit more down time, it would give us a bit more time for our relationship, and FIL would still be getting that support. The whole situation is just so frustrating.

Pollycat

Primrose wrote: »

Perhaps as well as the company, he's enjoying having a source of free labour? I personally think it's time his wife got a fairer share of his time, quart apart from the issue that the commuting is putting a serious strain on his health. . Surely once every three or four weeks ought to be a reasonable compromise?

I don't think anyone disagrees that it's time his wife got a fairer share of his time.
But with the OP reluctant to bring up the subject with her husband because it causes friction, her husband refusing to discuss it with her and the FIL blithely carrying on the status quo, I can't see any change coming any time soon.

justme111

So you are after changing not the most harmful biggest issue but the one which is more realistic to change in your opinion.
Spending time with your OH driving would not be on your terms , exactly.
You use undefined adverbs -"sometimes", "often". Would you be able to go once a month? If not why not? Is once a month "too often"? Would you be happy with that arrangement? If not why not - after all it is a lot of time with your OH?
Please do not get upset with me for questioning you - I find it when I am stuck in a perception of something emotive questioning helps.