Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

belfastgirl23

Dymphna60 wrote: »

However I can’t see that the FILs age or living arrangements or personality is the problem... He is a person who has capacity. If he wants to live in the downstairs of his home or in a tent in the outer Hebrides it’s up to him .
The OP admits she doesn’t know her husbands motivation for the visits as he won’t talk about it .
And right there is the problem. Every thing else is just distraction .
I don’t have a solution to this.
I have never found ‘ making ‘ people do things work.
Who of us honestly likes it ? Did it ever work?

Exactly this. It’s fair enough for the OP to wish things were different. The way my own DH works is putting stress on him and ultimately is likely to cause him to die younger than he should. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he is not going to change it. So the question really is, am I prepared to accept it or not. As you say here Dymphna, everything else is distraction. You can spend the rest of your life being unhappy and trying to force change or you can accept the status quo.

My comments were aimed at helping the OP find ways towards acceptance because it doesn’t sound like he is going to change any time soon and no advice that any of us give is likely to make that any different. Of course the option to leave the marriage is there too - but that’s the kind of thing everyone has to figure out for themselves.

Primrose

Because there has been no open marital conflict about this for quite a while because our poster has kept her frustrations to herself it's probably thwt her husband has no idea how unhappy she is about the situation.

It's highly probable that if she brings it up again for discussion within the domestic environment the same conflict will result again and attitudes will probably become more entrenched instead of less. That,s why I think both of them being encouraged to review it through a neutrally counselling environment may help get some movement.

Otherwise "acceptance" merely turns into "passive resignation" and long term that can be very unproductive in any relationship.

gwynlas

Hi Snuggles I'm back having caught up on the thread.

I do not know if this is the weekend that your husband is at home but am presuming that you were writing in frustration last Friday.

It is not going to be easy but are you now ready to tackle the issue?
I can understand that it might not be appropriate to tell him that you have posted on this forum but you could say you have been thinking deeply about the issue and the worries this as brought up. i.e. the strain on your husband having insufficent down time. The consequences for FIL if anything befalls husband and the strain on your relationship due to your lack of togetherness.
If your husband is unwilling to address your concerns then you will have to decide if you are prepared to continue to facilitate his behaviour by taking up the slack at home.
For all the suggestions and advice others have made on here only you can decide what you are prepared to put up with.
I'm surprised that no ones suggested getting FIL to move to supported accommodation in your area so that you can both help.

Mojisola

thorsoak wrote: »

Has anyone suggested that a practical solution might be for your FiL to move closer to you?

gwynlas wrote: »

I'm surprised that no ones suggested getting FIL to move to supported accommodation in your area so that you can both help.

Page 1 of the thread.

maman

Originally Posted by thorsoak
Has anyone suggested that a practical solution might be for your FiL to move closer to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynlas
I'm surprised that no ones suggested getting FIL to move to supported accommodation in your area so that you can both help.

Mojisola wrote: »

Page 1 of the thread.

These are just a couple of the things suggested to OP.

I got the feeling that nothing was going to satisfy her other than her DH cutting down his visits to his dad. On the other hand her DH seemed to want to visit his dad regularly through duty and/or because he knows his dad looks forward to his visits. It's hard to argue that she could be be more supportive of her DH when she says her concern is for the DH's health and wellbeing. I was still left with the feeling that for OP that it was her way only that would satisfy her.

Snuggles

maman wrote: »

Originally Posted by thorsoak
Has anyone suggested that a practical solution might be for your FiL to move closer to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynlas
I'm surprised that no ones suggested getting FIL to move to supported accommodation in your area so that you can both help.



These are just a couple of the things suggested to OP.

I got the feeling that nothing was going to satisfy her other than her DH cutting down his visits to his dad. On the other hand her DH seemed to want to visit his dad regularly through duty and/or because he knows his dad looks forward to his visits. It's hard to argue that she could be be more supportive of her DH when she says her concern is for the DH's health and wellbeing. I was still left with the feeling that for OP that it was her way only that would satisfy her.

Well thanks very much. Perhaps you could read the replies I made when these suggestions were previously made before jumping to conclusions. As I have said, FIL WILL NOT consider moving closer to us. It would be great if he would, we could see him and support him more often, without it being such a heavy commitment on OH's part.

How dare you say that I only want things my own way when in fact I have been agonising over trying to do the right thing by everyone involved. You have absolutely no idea.

I will not be making any more replies to this thread. Thank you to all those who tried to understand the situation and to make helpful suggestions.

Gloria_Steeth

^
Snuggles,

Am not expecting you to reply but, in case you're still reading, I just wanted to offer some moral support. Can totally understand how you must be wanting to bang your head against a brick wall (just try not to give yourself concussion).

This doesn't address all the issues but, in an attempt to break the stalemate situation, would it be possible to swap your home commitments with your husband on one of these weekends. i.e. he stays at home and does the chores there while you visit FIL alone (or with a friend if that makes it more bearable?) This would give your husband some respite from all the travelling while knowing that his father was still being cared for. It might also help to get the message over ever so subtly (sledgehammer subtly) to your FIL that these fortnightly visits are tiring your husband out.

(Be aware that this could backfire spectacularly and you're posting again in 6 months: "My husband expects me to do all the running around after his father!")

Assuming FIL's house has been the family home with all the associated memories, his reluctance to move is understandable. He would also miss his social circle. However, he really needs to make more compromises.

Is it frugality or pride that's stopping him getting outside assistance? If the former, could you and your husband pay for someone to take over some of the tasks - put it to FIL that a year's worth of gardening is his Christmas present or whatever.
Pride is harder to deal with. Maybe he doesn't want the neighbours to see a uniformed carer calling in, but would he allow a volunteer befriender/companion to take him shopping, to ease the burden on your husband?

Obviously you've a lot to work through to find a satisfactory solution - hang on in there! x

pickledonionspaceraider

What a shame that someone reaching out for help was driven away ..and not for the first time

We are all human beings, and pulling apart / making negative assumptions about a stranger - based on snippets of information,when you can see the person is in dire straits is just kicking a horse whist it is down

Shame on the persons who drove the OP away

If I were you , op, I would ask for this to be removed, as people won't leave it. Vultures

justme111

I would not be so dramatic. Usually when we are stuck we are so because we prefer not to see the reasons for it because those reasons are inconvenient/painful. If we want to become unstuck we have to be ready for hurt while looking at them. There is no need for op to keep posting here- she has given all the info and she has got a feedback , pretty diverse at that. There was no need to go on a huff either.

pickledonionspaceraider

justme111 wrote: »

I would not be so dramatic. Usually when we are stuck we are so because we prefer not to see the reasons for it because those reasons are inconvenient/painful. If we want to become unstuck we have to be ready for hurt while looking at them. There is no need for op to keep posting here- she has given all the info and she has got a feedback , pretty diverse at that. There was no need to go on a huff either.

I would not be so rude (as some have been) to someone asking for help, nor claim to speak for the entire population in a pseudo psychiatrist tone, either, but there you go.. There is no 'We' in your thoughts, but only 'You'....ie you are (what I believe psychiatrists call) projecting how you see the world, on to others, assuming we all have the same thought patterns as yourself

She didn't 'go off in a huff', but I feel embarrassed for some people who feel the need to have one last last snipe, at her. Well, it is just crass