Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Rosieandjim

There will be a crisis that will bring this to a head. Either with your FinL or your husband. There is nothing you say or do that will change anything. Unless you decide that this is not how you want to live your life and leave. Harsh but true.

paddy's_mum

Snuggles wrote: »

Thank you. This has made me cry, because it sums up how I feel - alone. But I don't really feel I can say it because it sounds like emotional blackmail or trying to put my own needs before FILs.

The OP has been on my mind quite a bit in recent days.

One thing that nobody has yet said is this:-

When you married, Snuggles, your husband made vows to YOU (not his father) and in my mind (barring disaster) his loyalty ought to lay with you. Currently, YOU are the one fearful, lonely, stressed, worried...

That CANNOT go on so whether or not you (or your husband) like it, you cannot afford to keep ducking out of this intense and fraught situation.

It seems to me that you either protest until the stubborn, short-sighted b£$%er hears you or you walk away in hopes it will frighten him into listening or you accept the status quo and lay down in silence.

I discovered long ago that I don't have D for Doormat branded on my forehead for all to see but that is a choice only you can make. If you think that this continuing resentment will erode the trust and the marriage, what have you got to lose in protesting loud and clear?

Good luck.

Primrose

Snuggles. This is why i think it's now appropriate for you to take this issue outside your marital walls into the counselling domain.

You are clearly struggling to try and be even handed and fair to all parties in this issues and all that has happed over the past two years is that you have ended up feeling worried about your husband's health, lonely, unhappy and playing second fiddle.

That your husband didn,t respect the weekend of your wedding anniversary to stay at home speaks volumes I think about his priorities in your marriage and for this reason I think the relationship between you would benefit being put under an impartial spotlight.

Be prepared for this to end up being an uncomfortable process. It may ripple the waters more than you are prepared for but with your FIL possibly having two more decades ahead of him I wonder whether your marriage will be able to continue surviving as things are now without the status quo being challenged.

Tammer

Snuggles, I think you have a tough situation to deal with here. Your husband may feel the same, and may even be wondering what the purpose is of life now, we cannot really say. Sometimes when we have problems with our parental family members, it rocks us to the core, and makes us forget what we have at home ourselves. This may be what has happened here. There appears to be two things the two of you can do here which will help to resolve the situation:

1. The above advice to seek counselling together is a great idea and should be treated as something to do to avoid things getting worse, rather than a key to open the door and let someone go free. The only additional advice I would give is make sure that you are both comfortable with the counsellor, which may sound obvious, but it is easy to settle into a situation where one is afraid to say they're not comfortable lest this be seen as objecting to the whole process.

2. Taking a completely logical look at things, the FIL has to move to either a smaller place near you or sheltered housing where he is just now. It is not sustainable for him to live in a large house by himself where he can't use the stairs but could easily become ill and decide to wander on the stairs and then fall and break his hip or worse.

I hope you can move forward towards a more harmonious situation for all 3 of you.

Primrose

You don,t say which part of the country your FIL lives in but even if he lived somewhere where property is less expensive, downsizing from a six bedroom house should enable him to buy somewhere suitable for his needs in a more expensive area.

Plus in his early 70's he should still be young enough to forge new social relationships in an area closer to you.

I realise this this the hardest dilemma for an older person to have to make but sooner or later reality catches up with us all and making a move now would be far less traumatic than teying to do it after some accident or trauma has happened when everything has to be done in crisis mode.

Has your husband got power of attorney for his dad?

mattpaint

Is your husband definitely visiting his father on these weekends? If you haven't spoken to him, how do you know he's with his father?

euronorris

I feel that there is another elephant in the room. Your DH's unsustainable work life balance. Monday to Friday, it seems he only gives himself enough time to eat, shower, toilet and sleep. That is not sustainable, is incredibly stressful and could very well lead to a heart attack, or mental breakdown.


With that in mind, I don't think it's entirely fair to put all the blame on your FIL, when a big part of the problem is that your DH's priorities are so heavily tilted towards work, and not his life. If he came home at a reasonable time, and didn't continue working in the evenings, then he would be less stressed, and would have more time for himself, and for you, and for your house. Ultimately meaning that the fortnightly visits to his father wouldn't be an issue.


You said that your DH had previously considered a career change because of this, but ultimately decided against it because 'he loves his job'. But it's not really sustainable long term, is it? Perhaps it's time that additional thought be given to redressing the balance in this aspect of this life.

Primrose

It's the old story, isn't it? Youcan take a horse to water but you can't make it drink, and if you are married to a "driven" personality, (and I sympathise because I'm married to somebody who drives himself hard but doesn,t regard it as a life threatening issue because he enjoys what he does) then it is very hard to persuade them that a change in lifestyle is needed.

Sadly it's only when somebody finds themselves in hospital after a heart attack or stroke connected to all kinds of tubes or equipment that they even start to question that their lifestyle might to some extent have been to blame. Some people learn this lesson through common sense or bitter experience. I don't know how you convince those who believe "This will never happen to me".

euronorris

You are quite right Primrose. My DH was this way back when we were dating. Wouldn't heed my warnings. Had a nervous breakdown, which has taken years to recover from but still suffers with anxiety (though thankfully manageable now).


Which is why I find it so frustrating when I see others heading the same way. I just want to shake them, and scream some sense into them. But they always believe that it won't happen to them, and that those who it did happen to were just weak (this is how my DH thought before it happened to him).

Dymphna60

I know I shouldn’t be coming back to this as I have nothing useful for the OP .
I have sympathy for her . Watching your once happy marriage fall into difficulty is not a happy place to be .
However I can’t see that the FILs age or living arrangements or personality is the problem. Make him move - put him in a home type posts can’t be at all helpful. He is a person who has capacity. If he wants to live in the downstairs of his home or in a tent in the outer Hebrides it’s up to him .
The OP admits she doesn’t know her husbands motivation for the visits as he won’t talk about it .
And right there is the problem. Every thing else is just distraction .
I don’t have a solution to this.
I have never found ‘ making ‘ people do things work.
Who of us honestly likes it ? Did it ever work?
When you dad told you you weren’t going out dressed like that did you say yes dad of course your right or did you sneak your clothes out and get changed at your mates ?
I wish the OP and her husband all the best and hope they find a way forward.