Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

scaredofdebt

Get a carer (if he needs it) and compromise on the visits, once a month or whatever you're happy with.

Pollycat

Snuggles wrote: »

Well quite!

My comment was intended to be ironic. :rotfl:

So when do you you plan to have this (long overdue) chat to your husband?

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

There really is only the OP's husband who can do anything to change the situation.

Quite.

I'm pretty sure that I'd never find myself in the situation the OP is in because I'd have talked to my husband about it.
And I wouldn't have let any friction stop me.
And I wouldn't have let my husband drive himself into the ground for 2 years in a stressful job without bringing it all out into the open between the 3 of us.
Over the years, we have had our disagreements.
But I'm pretty sure that in this situation he'd have listened and accepted that he was over-stretching himself.

I'm finding the OP's prevaricating and deflection of any suggestion (other than agreement that her FIL is selfish) quite frustrating.

Mojisola

Sea_Shell wrote: »

So I assume your OH is retired, not working long hours. His dad probably hasn't got 20 years (potentially) ahead of him, and again, I assume he's quite frail now, at 100!!

How long has he being doing that for?

Also, that's perfectly OK if everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Do you not have times when you'd like to do other things, on those days, ever, and wish he didn't have to go?

He's still working part-time which involves long days and spells away from home.

The visits have been going on for years - can't remember how long. Everyone is flexible, though, so the visit day can be changed if something else crops up.

My FIL is amazing but, even at his age, he wouldn't insist on a visit if it was detrimental to my OH's well-being. He's more likely to phone up and say, for example, that the weather looks bad for Sunday so don't come this week.

My main point was that Snuggle's FIL is still relatively young, like my OH, and needs a reality check - unfortunately, his son is the only person who can do it and it sounds as if he's stuck on the treadmill of work and visits and is probably so exhausted that he can't face doing it.

justme111

Sure. Life is not ideal. What do you suggest ? Continuing upsetting about it? Divorce him? Wave a magic wand ?
(Commenting on time in the car not being ideal)

Primrose

Maybe the next time yiu travel up with your husband you bite the bullet, and when you're all sitting down quietly together you have the difficult conversation, I.e.

"I,m so glad Dad we're all together and have this opportunity for a chat because I,m getting really worried about Husband. I,m noticing that these fortnightly trips are starting to impact on his health and our marriage and I thought if would be a good idea for us all to have a chat about whether we can extend the period between them and talk about what help you might need in the interim to tide you over."

You husband would undoubtedly not be happy to be ambushed in this way but since for two years he's been side skipping the issue, it will at least cause it to be clocked with FIL and husband that its time for it to stop being the elephant in the room.

I wouldn,t normally suggest such direct action but since your oH has stubbornly refused for two years to address the issue, I think he will only have himself to blame.

I was surprised yiur FIL is only in his early seventies. My parents were approaching 90, living in an isolated place 7 miles from the nearest shops and my father was developing dementia and no longer able to drive so their need for support was hugely greater than your fIL's.

Is your husband an only child? Are there no other siblings who can provide support?

Snuggles

justme111 wrote: »

Yes I have read it. I am just pointing to you that you are trying to address not the main issue. I am not saying addressing the main one would be viable. I meant that you sharing the driving once a month would solve the problem of you not being with him once a month - exactly what you were after. If you do not see it I do not know how else I can say it .

And I don't know how else I can say that I DO go with him when I can, but I can't go regularly. Even if I went with him once a month, that is not what I am "after", as you put it. What I am "after" is for the visits to be reduced to a more manageable level, primarily for the sake of OH's wellbeing. Me going with him once a month would not address that.

justme111 wrote: »

You accepted your OH working punishing hours and due to it not having time for you , but you can not accept him taking two weekends a month for his father and due to it not having time for you.

Actually I have accepted it for the last two years. And as I have said several times, my main concern is OH's health, but yes, it also bothers me that we have very little time for ourselves. That is not sustainable indefinitely. It's not healthy for him and it's not healthy for our relationship.

justme111 wrote: »

You tried to change it but he dag his heels in as he does not like pressure. It feels like the more time passes the bigger issue it is becoming in your head. You yourself are probably worried that you are stuck. So just reinforcing your position is not going to help, is it? Doing the same and expecting different results is not going to work.

No, it's not that the issue is becoming bigger "in my head". I can see how my OH is becoming more and more tired. I see how he has less and less energy for leisure activities when he does get some downtime. I see how the quality of our lives has diminished as this has gone on. I think I have every right to be concerned about that.

Yes I am worried I am stuck, and I appreciate that you are trying to help somehow, but you seem to think that the problem is entirely mine, that I am not happy about getting things on "my terms", and that the only answer is for me to tag along with my OH more often. Thanks for the suggestion, but that wouldn't be a solution, for the reasons I've already said.

Marisco

Snuggles wrote: »

And I don't know how else I can say that I DO go with him when I can, but I can't go regularly. Even if I went with him once a month, that is not what I am "after", as you put it. What I am "after" is for the visits to be reduced to a more manageable level, primarily for the sake of OH's wellbeing. Me going with him once a month would not address that.



Actually I have accepted it for the last two years. And as I have said several times, my main concern is OH's health, but yes, it also bothers me that we have very little time for ourselves. That is not sustainable indefinitely. It's not healthy for him and it's not healthy for our relationship.



No, it's not that the issue is becoming bigger "in my head". I can see how my OH is becoming more and more tired. I see how he has less and less energy for leisure activities when he does get some downtime. I see how the quality of our lives has diminished as this has gone on. I think I have every right to be concerned about that.

Yes I am worried I am stuck, and I appreciate that you are trying to help somehow, but you seem to think that the problem is entirely mine, that I am not happy about getting things on "my terms", and that the only answer is for me to tag along with my OH more often. Thanks for the suggestion, but that wouldn't be a solution, for the reasons I've already said.

Don't worry Snuggles, some of us (well me ) can totally see your POV. And to be honest if it was me, I'd have tackled your FIL myself long ago if your oh dithered and flaffed on. Your oh is wrong not to tackle it head on, but I also think your FIL is being really selfish. Good god, he's only early 70 fgs, my oh is early 70's and would be mortified if his kids ran themselves into the ground like your oh seems to be doing.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I think you're resenting the wrong person.

I think it's up to your husband to talk to his Father and change his expectations of these visits.
Why would you expect your FIL to tell his son that he doesn't need visits every weekend?
It needs to be your husband who brings it up and resets his Father's expectations.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable by expecting more 'us' time at the weekend (as well as concern for the toll it's taking on your husband) but I do think you're being unreasonable by placing the blame on your FIL.

This was said early in the thread and I agree, wholeheartedly, with it

I don't think talking to the father in law - either on your own or with your husband there - is the right way to go. You, quite possibly, don't know what has been said by them about the situation. And what promises may, or may not, have been made.

This is between you and your husband and it is that relationship that is bearing the strain. You need to sort it out - one way or another - between the two of you.

Snuggles

Pollycat wrote: »

My comment was intended to be ironic. :rotfl:

Yes I know!

Pollycat wrote: »

So when do you you plan to have this (long overdue) chat to your husband?

I will have to pick my moment. There's no point bringing it up when he's stressed and tired, that won't achieve anything.

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm pretty sure that I'd never find myself in the situation the OP is in because I'd have talked to my husband about it.
And I wouldn't have let any friction stop me.
And I wouldn't have let my husband drive himself into the ground for 2 years in a stressful job without bringing it all out into the open between the 3 of us.
Over the years, we have had our disagreements.
But I'm pretty sure that in this situation he'd have listened and accepted that he was over-stretching himself.

You might well be right. To be clear I have discussed it with him many times, just not recently. It's easy to suggest that I should have pushed the issue, and made FIL aware of it, but when you are torn between trying to support your husband, trying to put yourself in FIL's shoes, trying not to seem selfish, trying to figure out if you are the one who is being unreasonable, it's perhaps not quite so black and white. In essence, probably similar to how my OH feels about broaching the subject with FIL. If OH was travelling all that way to do so something frivolous every other weekend, it would be easy to say, hang on, that's too much. But when it's to provide support to a parent, it's not so easy to step in and say this needs to change, without it looking as though you don't care about the parent.

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm finding the OP's prevaricating and deflection of any suggestion (other than agreement that her FIL is selfish) quite frustrating.

Hang on, where have I said that I agree that FIL is selfish? I don't believe I've said that at all. I've said I don't understand how he isn't concerned about his own son's welfare. However, I have never said or implied that he is selfish in wanting to see his son and spend time with him, and have him provide practical and emotional support. I just want it to happen slightly less often.

I'm not sure what suggestions you think I have "deflected" or where I am "prevaricating"? My reason for starting this thread was to get some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable in wanting the frequency of visits to reduce slightly. Many people have kindly made practical suggestions about how this could be achieved, many of which I have already suggested to OH in the past. I'm not deflecting them, it's just that unless OH accepts the visits need to reduce, they are a moot point. Then there's suggestions that I should go with OH more often, which as I keep saying, isn't practical and wouldn't solve the issue anyway.

If I'm being evasive, it's because I don't want to provide so many details that people I know would recognise me. Sorry if that frustrates you.

People, including you, have been very helpful, and I am grateful for all the replies. It has helped me to clarify my thinking on this issue. But I think I will bow out now, as this is getting a bit fraught, and I'm not sure what people are expecting from me. I've tried to answer the replies and suggestions as honestly and fully as I can.

justme111

Ok. So while going with him would address the issue of time with him as it would have given you the same amount of time with him as him reducing visits it would not address other issues - mostly exhaustion and lack of quality time for other activities.
I do not say all the problems are in your head. I am saying your perception is responsible for what upsets you. Despite work being responsible for lion share of the issues with health and time work does not upset you because you perceive it as something unavoidable, recognise its importance and recognise tour OH would not change it. While FIL trips seem to you obvious area to change.