Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Snuggles

Sea_Shell wrote: »

What do you think your DH would do if you were ill or temporarily incapacitated (eg broken bones).

Would he put you first and stay to look after you, or still go see dad?

I assume from your posts you don't have young children. That would make it even more complicated!!

Yes I'm sure if I needed it for such a reason he would put me first.

No, no young children,

Snuggles

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

And another suggestion is to book a nice weekend near FIL, both go but spend less time with him?

Maybe find an exhibition or other event nearby you'd like to go to?

That sounds nice in theory but I just don't think it would happen. I know when OH is there he is kept very busy. There wouldn't be much point going all that way for the purpose of him seeing and helping FIL and then limiting the time he's actually there. If that was do-able, I can't see why it wouldn't also be do-able for him to reduce the frequency of visits slightly, if you see what I mean.

Snuggles

gwynlas wrote: »

You are not being unreasonable and although it took some time your real concerns have come through.

Thank you. Actually when I looked back at my posts after the other poster mentioned my OH's health, I did say in the very first one how much I worry about the stress on him and that he can't keep going like this. I think that got lost somehow in all the replies, but it really has always been my main concern. It's just that as time has gone on, I've also become worried about our relationship.

gwynlas wrote: »

Playing Devils advocate it could be that your husband works long hours and travels to his fathers every other weekend because he wants to rather than spending time with you. From what you gave said he comes across as stubborn and selfish.

I'm confident that's not the case. He's worked long hours since before we met as he's always been in the same sector. And the visits started as a result of FIL having health problems a few years ago, not because of any issues in our relationship. I think OH feels he has a duty to do this and that because FIL lost some confidence when he was ill and has come to rely on and expect the visits, OH doesn't feel able to pull back, because he left it too late to set that expectation. OH is stubborn but he's not a selfish person. I think it's more a case that he's got his head in the sand.

gwynlas wrote: »

Some of the information missing from your posts is your respective ages and the nature of your work roles. What job requires these hours? What are you filling your time with when husband not there?
Whilst you have been together 15 years was it a late marriage?
Are you enabling your husbands abscenses by taking on all responsibilty for the running of your home?
What would you like to happen?

I've touched on some of this in another reply above. I don't want to give too much more detail as would rather stay anonymous on here and someone who knows me might recognise the info.

Snuggles

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the input, it's been really helpful getting so many different perspectives and it's given me a lot to think about. If I'm honest, I don't feel it's asking too much to want OH to reduce the visits down by just one weekend, given our circumstances. On the other hand, I know I can't force anything (and wouldn't want to), and I do want to continue to support him.

I think I do need to find the right time to have another conversation with OH about it. I've let it slide because it was the easiest thing to do, and although I think I know the reasons why he feels he can't reduce the visits perhaps I'm making assumptions, or perhaps things have changed since we last spoke about it.

Pollycat

Snuggles wrote: »

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the input, it's been really helpful getting so many different perspectives and it's given me a lot to think about. If I'm honest, I don't feel it's asking too much to want OH to reduce the visits down by just one weekend, given our circumstances. On the other hand, I know I can't force anything (and wouldn't want to), and I do want to continue to support him.

I think I do need to find the right time to have another conversation with OH about it. I've let it slide because it was the easiest thing to do, and although I think I know the reasons why he feels he can't reduce the visits perhaps I'm making assumptions, or perhaps things have changed since we last spoke about it.

I don't think any poster has disagreed with you on this.

I just said - right at the beginning in post #5 - that you were resenting the wrong person.

Pollycat wrote: »

So I don't think you're being unreasonable by expecting more 'us' time at the weekend (as well as concern for the toll it's taking on your husband) but I do think you're being unreasonable by placing the blame on your FIL.

Snuggles wrote: »

But I feel like I've been compromising for the past two years, and it could go on for years more. Is it really so much to ask for the visits to be every third weekend instead of every second? Why can't my OH compromise on that? I know only he can answer that, and I need to have that conversation with him.

I'm glad you've come to that conclusion.

maman

I don't want to pry but you've said you can't go with your DH often because of 'commitments at home'. Could they be reorganised so that you can share the driving and keep him company? DH and I often have our best conversations when we're out together in the car or walking without the distraction of chores etc at home.

paddy's_mum

x_raphael_xx wrote: »

Possibly your husband worries his father might not be around for much longer and wants to spend time with him while he can?

If I may, Raphael, I am going to amend this to;-

Possibly your husband ought to worry that his wife might not be around for much longer and want to spend time with her while he can.

I do not in any way suggest that the OP ought to be threatening her husband but only a fool would ignore the reasons why thousands of marriages bite the dust every year!

I once read a quip that said 'women get married because they are tired of being lonely. They get divorced for the same reason'.

If he doesn't either bend his stubborn neck or explain properly what is driving this excessive conduct, he may find himself in that boat however much love the OP holds for him.

Dangerous ground, husband! :eek:

maman

paddy's_mum wrote: »

If I may, Raphael, I am going to amend this to;-

Possibly your husband ought to worry that his wife might not be around for much longer and want to spend time with her while he can.

I do not in any way suggest that the OP ought to be threatening her husband but only a fool would ignore the reasons why thousands of marriages bite the dust every year!

I once read a quip that said 'women get married because they are tired of being lonely. They get divorced for the same reason'.

If he doesn't either bend his stubborn neck or explain properly what is driving this excessive conduct, he may find himself in that boat however much love the OP holds for him.

Dangerous ground, husband! :eek:

Or the old dad is lonely and the son is torn?

Savvy_Sue

Snuggles wrote: »

That sounds nice in theory but I just don't think it would happen. I know when OH is there he is kept very busy. There wouldn't be much point going all that way for the purpose of him seeing and helping FIL and then limiting the time he's actually there. If that was do-able, I can't see why it wouldn't also be do-able for him to reduce the frequency of visits slightly, if you see what I mean.

Well, if it were me, I think I would still be looking to see if I could find FTTD (Fun Things To Do) in FIL's area, and driving up to do them, and share the driving, spending minimal time with FIL.

As an example, yesterday DH wanted to take part in a board game competition about an hour's drive away. He doesn't enjoy driving. I didn't want to spend all day there, but was happy to spend an afternoon there. He drove up, I did my own stuff in the morning, then caught a train, hit the shops, then we drove home together. Obviously that was do-able because it was easy to get to.

Getting back became 'interesting' when I realised that meeting back at the station wasn't going to work, because there had been a football match and the place was surrounded by police in riot gear, with the traffic slowed to a crawl ...

But we've done the same with weekends when he and I wanted / needed to do 'different' stuff.

paddy's_mum

maman wrote: »

Or the old dad is lonely and the son is torn?

OP already stated (and as I understand it, Pa agrees) that FiL has lots of friends, activities and other social life too.

The only one in this trio who doesn't have that is the OP!

Again...dangerous ground :eek: