Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Snuggles

Thanks again for all the replies. I realise there are some things I didn't make clear from my OP.

FIL isn't ill. He was a ill a couple of years ago but that has resolved. Other than his poor mobility he is in good health. He's not in his last months or years (albeit no one knows what's round the corner). If he was, I of course wouldn't have any issue with the situation.

When he was ill he needed extra support and we gladly gave it. It was after this period of us both staying with FIL for an extended period that the frequent visits started. That was fine, he needed the extra support and reassurance while he was recovering from illness. But it was always the understanding (between me and OH) that this would gradually be stepped down to a more manageable level. I did tell OH to discuss it with FIL sooner rather than later, to set his expectations for the future. I also tried to say to OH that there will come a time when FIL does need even more support or is ill and that he should take the opportuinty to take a step back now while he can, so that when in future more support is needed, he is at least not frazzled from the ongoing situation. But he didn't do it. He somehow never found the right time.

Although OH of course wants to support FIL and spend time with him, I also think that because it's now been going on so long, and has become an expected part of routines, that OH feels it's easier to just keep doing it rather than have a difficult conversation with FIL. I also think that when FIL was ill it knocked his confidence, and he enjoys the reassurance of OH's visits, and OH therefore finds it difficult to change things. Which I completely understand, but is it really a good enough reason to require a fortnightly visit which has such a big impact on our lives and to which there is no end in sight.

FIL has many friends where he lives and is able to get out and socialise most weeks with their help. Or they visit him at home. He employs a cleaner and has the money to pay for other help but chooses not to. I've often suggested to OH that FIL could hire a handyman to do odd jobs around the house, but if OH is continuing to do it for free, why would he?! He can do his own online grocery shopping but prefers to visit shops in person. He is also rattling around in a six bed period house which he can't possibly maintain himself, but he doesn't want to move, either to downsize or to be closer to us. Whilst I understand why he doesn't want to move, to my mind that's a choice he is making. And I don't feel we should be putting our lives on hold indefinately because of his choices.

I do sometimes go with OH. But it's not exactly quality time together. FIL can be pernickety and difficult and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. It's also not practical due to home commitments for me to go on a regular basis.

I don't feel that I can speak directly to FIL about it, I feel that's not my place and I don't think OH would thank me for it. I also wouldn't make demands of OH, he is under enough pressure. But I find it difficult now to even talk about it with him. We have been together for 15 years and are almost always on the same page about anything important. So this is uncomfortable and new territory, and I don't know how to resolve it.

Snuggles

I forgot to say, it's unfortunately not possible for FIL to come to us. He needs certain adaptive equipment for day to day living which can't be accommodated in our home.

Sea_Shell

So basically FIL doesn't want to compromise his life in any way, by moving, downsizing or getting help in, but is happy to run his son into the ground...and his son keeps doing it.

I'd be pretty cheesed off too!!!!

Something's gotta give!

Sea_Shell

Another thought...has your DH (or you as a couple) had financial help or support from your DiL in the past.

Maybe he thinks you "owe" him. No such thing as a free lunch!

Primrose

I feel for you OP. For several years I was in your husband's position, having to abandon my husband at weekends to care for parents a 3 hours drive away because my father refused to move closer to us when I was effectively their sole carer. This was at a time when I was also working and my husband was away during the week and at only home at weekends.

We hardly ever saw each other. I suspect our marriage only survived because my husband was incredibly tolerant and supportive of my sense of duty towards my parents.

But I understand your frustration and your concern for your husbands health and the wellbeing of your marriage . Elderly people become incredible inflexible and selfish in their need to hang onto familiar routines and never want anything to change but that doean,t t mean they shouldn,t be flexible and have the right to hold their children to ransom by emotional blackmail.

I think it's time for a serious talk with your husband if you are not to become the villain in the piece, having to tell yiur f-I-l that he,s effectively driving your husband to a possible heart attack or early grave by his refusal to be flexible.

You need to be honest with your husband that you've come to the end of the road with this specific routine and that while you understand and support his concern for his father, his dad needs to compromise and give a little in accepting some outside help with shopping or cleaning or gardening.

Emphasise to your husband that this is NOT asking him to choose between his father and his marriage but to realise that for wellbeing of everybody and especially yiur husband's long term health, some changes to the current arrangements need to be made before the whole edifice comes tumbling down.

Discuss what could change in terms of getting shopping or cleaning help for yOur FIL , whether local friends could help more etc.

I suggest before you have this discussion you do some research into what domestic help and support agencies are available in his local area (Molly maids, etc). and contact Social services there for any leads they can give you. If your hisband is faced with this I formation and knows specifically where to go to get some support he may be more willing to negotiate a change of regime with his dad.

If he specifically refuses to consider these options I don,t know whether your relations with your FIL are good enough for you to feel able to ring him to say how concerned you are about your husband's health and ask him to co wider some local support because you're concerned your husband cant carry on with the current regime and pressurised pace indefinitely.

Retired people forget about the time pressures whixh working life can impose and do need a tactful reminder that the difference between selfishness and ignorance is a very thin line.

Good luck and come back and let us know how things go.

I understand your frustration. Your husband is on a hiding to nothing at the moment trying to keep all his responsibilities afloat and this is maki g life very hard for you. It would be so easy to argue about it through sheer frustration but if you can come up with a well researched alternative set of options for local support he may finally be able to loosen the strings a little.

PasturesNew

This only works until "the fall". Once they've had "the fall" it's then endless, sudden, unexpected needs and requirements. Visits, conversations, having to immediately source new items you never thought you needed. Having to have conversations with professionals and feeling out of your depth. And, BEFORE you get something sorted you're mid way through the next crisis.

He really needs to have the discussion with his father about moving closer before "it's too late".

You cannot manage somebody's needs from a distance .... so somebody has to move while they're still able to.

It's a fact of life that you either ignore, then suffer for - or crack on and deal with. Moving won't make what you need to do much less awkward, but it's more achievable when it's within 10 miles.

lessonlearned

What a predicament.......

Alas there is no easy solution but definitely something has to give. And that "give" has to come from your FIL.

Your husband cannot continue in this vein. He is at risk from illness, overwhelm or a serious road accident due to exhaustion.

Both your husband and your FIL have to find a workable solution, soon, before it's too late.

I don't envy you but I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. He's obviously a good kind man and a loving and dutiful son but he's not Superman. He WILL go under.

He's being an ostrich, understandable because he doesn't want to upset his father, but this is one problem that can no longer be ignored.

I wish you well.

Pollycat

lessonlearned wrote: »

What a predicament.......

Alas there is no easy solution but definitely something has to give. And that "give" has to come from your FIL.

Your husband cannot continue in this vein. He is at risk from illness, overwhelm or a serious road accident due to exhaustion.

Both your husband and your FIL have to find a workable solution, soon, before it's too late.

I don't envy you but I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. He's obviously a good kind man and a loving and dutiful son but he's not Superman. He WILL go under.

He's being an ostrich, understandable because he doesn't want to upset his father, but this is one problem that can no longer be ignored.

I wish you well.

But it won't come from the FIL unless/until the OP's husband acknowledges that what he is doing is too much for him and is adversely affecting his relationship with his wife.

I'm not sure that the OP's FIL has done/is doing anything wrong here.

I don't think anyone has suggested that the FIL should move in with the OP and her husband.
OK. So he needs adaptive equipment.
Could he move closer to you and pay for adaptive equipment in a new property?

I think you and your husband need to acknowledge that this situation is not going to get any better.

maman

I'm going to give an alternative POV. This has similarities to another thread where a father has been driving every week to see his children.

OP's husband seems to want to do this for his father. I'd suggest to him that maybe some of the time he could go by train as it might be less tiring.

OP does see her DH during the week, it's just that they only have a few hours each evening. Again this is very common for people with demanding jobs /long commute.

The issue seems to be that OP's not happy with the situation. She might be aware that it's affecting her DH or is she just wanting more time with him herself? Personally I'd want to support my DH in his decision but check with him that he wasn't finding it too demanding. I think there's a danger here that OP could come across as selfish and whining and could add to the pressure on her DH.

This needs a conversation but a careful one. It's encouraging that she has asked for opinions first.

lessonlearned

Pollycat. Please don't misunderstand me, I do not think that the FIL is doing something "wrong" and yes I do realise that any initiative will be unlikely come from him, not now, which is why I said that the OP and her husband need a serious heart to heart.

I am not criticising anyone. No one is at "fault" - it's just one of those ghastly situations which, unfortunately, will only get worse.

I have worked as a manager in sheltered accommodation and one thing I did learn is that housing has to be appropriate and meet changing needs. The way the FIL lives is unsustainable, he needs to either buy in help or move to somewhere more suitable for his needs and abilities.

We can all see this, the OP can see this, it's just that the OPs husband and his father can't or won't see what needs to be done. They cant see the wood for the trees.

Someone has to grasp the nettle and unfortunately it looks as if it will have to be the OP who gets the ball rolling. Somehow she has to get her husband to admit he can't go on much longer, for his own health and well being.