Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Savvy_Sue

What happens when you go on holiday? Can you book one which disrupts the weekends?

belfastgirl23

This is quite a tough one really. I have a lot of sympathy for your husband, it’s hard watching a parent getting older. And the desire to help or be there for him is understandable. You are right that other people could be paid to do the tasks your husband is doing. But men often prefer to be doing things when they are together, they might find it harder to sit and have a cup of tea (depending on the relationship of course), so the jobs might just be a way to spend time together. Maybe your husband enjoys his father’s company?

There are a couple of things I’m curious about too. Firstly, is any part of this that you don’t have enough to fill your time when your husband is away (working or with his father)? Because that’s a whole different issue...maybe that’s not it, but if it’s a factor you do probably need to acknowledge it, even to yourself. The second question is, if you’re concerned about him doing the driving himself is there a reason why you aren’t going with him some of the time and taking the pressure off him to drive or even just keeping him company? I know it’s perhaps not a lot of fun but you could think of breaking the journey up with a nice meal.

Is the only solution that your husband visits his father less? It sounds to me like his job is at least as much of a problem for his health and wellbeing as visiting his father. Should he should consider cutting back on his hours there? Or do you accept that it’s ok for him to work crazy hours but not visit his father? I’m just saying it’s worth thinking about why one feels acceptable to you and the other doesn’t.

I am being a devil’s advocate here. It’s not that I don’t have sympathy with you, I do. But in my experience, you can’t change other people and the risk of trying to causes discord and also would leave you very vulnerable if and when your FIL does die. It’s your choice how much this impacts on your relationship in the end. Personally I would say it’s always helpful to try to figure out what action you can take that you have control over rather than trying to change what other people are doing. You’re the one here who is unhappy from what you say. Your husband and his father both seem to be ok with this arrangement. So maybe you’re the one who has to compromise first?

lessonlearned

Belfastgirl raises some very interesting ideas and suggestions. She's right we cannot change other people but we can change the way we respond. We cannot always control situations in life but we can control how we react to challenges and we can control our emotions and feelings.

I think you need to try and put your hurt feelings to one side (difficult I know) so that you can think straight and find a way forward.

Sorry I didn't realise that you have already tried having "the conversation" and that it didn't work. That being the case it sounds like there is little to be gained from trying again. In fact it might only make matters worse, your husband really doesn't need any more pressure at this point.

I don't know if it's possible but I agree with Belfastgirl and others who have suggested that maybe you could accompany your husband sometimes. It would ease the burden for him and you would at least spend some time together. Not ideal perhaps but it might be a start.

Primrose

You've obviously got a lot of valuable insights on here to ponder.

A completely different tack, but i wonder whether you and your OH have ever had a serious discussion about his death, ie what kind of funeral he would want, etc.?

If you are seriously worried about the impact all this pressure and travelling is having on his long term health, maybe getting him to listen about your concerns as to how you should handle his funeral if he died from a heart attack or stroke as a result might cause him to think about his lifestyle from a slightly different perspective.

If he really is too stubborn to make even small changes to his current arrangements, you may have to develop other tactics to your own social life at weekend when he's not around. Perhaps look around your local community for occasional weekend volunteering opportunities or new social contacts and try to build a different sort of weekend lifestyle for yourself during those times he's away visiting his father.

It may not be your ideal preference but feeling empty and alone doesn't help your mood either and if your OH suddenly finds that you're otherwise engaged on a weekend he's home it may cause him to re-evaluate how his activities over the last couple of years have triggered you to seek other company.

It's not necessarily a case of "What's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander" but being forced to understand what has triggered your quiet change in lifestyle, without you both having arguments about it might just cause him to reflect seriously that minor changes in his commitments might get you both back on course.

Sea_Shell

What do you think your DH would do if you were ill or temporarily incapacitated (eg broken bones).

Would he put you first and stay to look after you, or still go see dad?

I assume from your posts you don't have young children. That would make it even more complicated!!

Gers

Most counties have a Care & Repair service which is free of charge (apart from materials) for the elderly. My DM has used it frequently. That should help get the little jobs done as most have a 'handyman' service too. Where they can't undertake repairs they have maintain lists of recommended trades. DM arranged a plumber via her Care & Repair team who turned out to be very prompt and professional.

Has FIL applied for Attendance Allowance? Even the lower rate gives a little extra to buy in more support for him.

That's the physical bits, seems that the issue may well be more an emotional issue.

gwynlas

You are not being unreasonable and although it took some time your real concerns have come through.
You need to raise this issue with your husband when you both have the time to respond but be aware that you might not like what you hear. Playing Devils advocate it could be that your husband works long hours and travels to his fathers every other weekend because he wants to rather than spending time with you. From what you gave said he comes across as stubborn and selfish.
Some of the information missing from your posts is your respective ages and the nature of your work roles. What job requires these hours? What are you filling your time with when husband not there?
Whilst you have been together 15 years was it a late marriage?
Are you enabling your husbands abscenses by taking on all responsibilty for the running of your home?
What would you like to happen?

Savvy_Sue

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

What happens when you go on holiday? Can you book one which disrupts the weekends?

And another suggestion is to book a nice weekend near FIL, both go but spend less time with him?

Maybe find an exhibition or other event nearby you'd like to go to?

Snuggles

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

What happens when you go on holiday? Can you book one which disrupts the weekends?

Yes we have had holidays which have meant that FIL has had to go two weekends in a row without a visit. Which to me shows it's perfectly doable for OH to go every third weekend instead of every other weekend.

Snuggles

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

There are a couple of things I’m curious about too. Firstly, is any part of this that you don’t have enough to fill your time when your husband is away (working or with his father)? Because that’s a whole different issue...maybe that’s not it, but if it’s a factor you do probably need to acknowledge it, even to yourself.

No it's not that. I am not someone who gets bored, I have friends around me, and in any case I actually really enjoy my own company. When I said I feel alone, I meant I feel alone in the relationship if that makes sense.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

The second question is, if you’re concerned about him doing the driving himself is there a reason why you aren’t going with him some of the time and taking the pressure off him to drive or even just keeping him company? I know it’s perhaps not a lot of fun but you could think of breaking the journey up with a nice meal.

I do go with him sometimes. But I can't do it regularly due to commitments at home. Also, I work full time myself often finishing late (though not as late as OH). I keep the household going by getting everything done that needs doing on a weekend. I do pretty much everything as OH just doesn't have time to contribute, which is fine, I don't expect him to, given all the other demands on him.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Is the only solution that your husband visits his father less? It sounds to me like his job is at least as much of a problem for his health and wellbeing as visiting his father. Should he should consider cutting back on his hours there? Or do you accept that it’s ok for him to work crazy hours but not visit his father? I’m just saying it’s worth thinking about why one feels acceptable to you and the other doesn’t.

Him working those hours is not acceptable to me, but it's the way it is. He is in a senior position with lots of responsibility, immovable deadlines etc, working in an environment where everyone is putting in a stupid amount of hours. He did think about changing careers at one time and I would have supported him in that but then he decided against it as he does love the work, there's just too much of it.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

You’re the one here who is unhappy from what you say. Your husband and his father both seem to be ok with this arrangement. So maybe you’re the one who has to compromise first?

But I feel like I've been compromising for the past two years, and it could go on for years more. Is it really so much to ask for the visits to be every third weekend instead of every second? Why can't my OH compromise on that? I know only he can answer that, and I need to have that conversation with him.