Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

lessonlearned

Yes I wondered if a train journey would be easier, but perhaps the car would be needed the other end.

I think the son is to be commended for supporting his father, he sounds like a wonderful caring man.

Snuggles

Pollycat wrote: »

But it won't come from the FIL unless/until the OP's husband acknowledges that what he is doing is too much for him and is adversely affecting his relationship with his wife.

I'm not sure that the OP's FIL has done/is doing anything wrong here.

I don't think anyone has suggested that the FIL should move in with the OP and her husband.
OK. So he needs adaptive equipment.
Could he move closer to you and pay for adaptive equipment in a new property?

As I said, he has no intention of moving anywhere, not while he can manage himself day to day.

Snuggles

maman wrote: »

OP does see her DH during the week, it's just that they only have a few hours each evening. Again this is very common for people with demanding jobs /long commute.

If only it was a few hours. Normal evening routine is he gets home, eats the dinner I've made, and is either straight to bed depending how late he got home, or sometimes he has more work to do. Occasionally we get an hour max before he's going to bed, but it's usually less.

I meant it when I said we barely see each other during the week.

Snuggles

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Another thought...has your DH (or you as a couple) had financial help or support from your DiL in the past.

Maybe he thinks you "owe" him. No such thing as a free lunch!

No, nothing like that..

Snuggles

lessonlearned wrote: »

Yes I wondered if a train journey would be easier, but perhaps the car would be needed the other end.

I think the son is to be commended for supporting his father, he sounds like a wonderful caring man.

Due to where we live and where he lives, the train would take far too long unfortunately.

He is a kind, caring man, and of course that's part of why I love him. I'm not asking him to stop being who he is. I just would like him to have one extra weekend at home for both of our sakes.

lessonlearned

Snuggles wrote: »

Due to where we live and where he lives, the train would take far too long unfortunately.

He is a kind, caring man, and of course that's part of why I love him. I'm not asking him to stop being who he is. I just would like him to have one extra weekend at home for both of our sakes.[/QUOTE

Snuggles to go back to your original question I don't think you are being unreasonable, however at this late stage I think "time together" is the least of your worries.

Whilst I appreciate that you are also being put under a lot of stress, from what you say, if I were in your shoes, my main concern would be your husband's health and well being.

If he is working such long days, bringing work home, eating his main meal so late and then going straight to bed that would be bad enough in itself, a sure fire recipe for getting sick.

However, add those alternate weekends when he's doing all that driving and then providing care and support for his father then quite frankly he's playing Russian Roulette with his health.

I know you don't want to be the bad guy but I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and get the conversation started.

And, as Maman said, it would need to be a very delicate conversation.

maman

lessonlearned wrote: »

Snuggles wrote: »

And, as Maman said, it would need to be a very delicate conversation.

Yes OP, it's a fine line between showing him you're caring about his health and moaning about him not spending enough time with you and so putting him under pressure because he's torn both ways having to choose between you and his father.

x_raphael_xx

I'm just going to play devils advocate, especially as you mention FIL has(had?) health problems, and my MIL has recently passed away from Cancer....
Possibly your husband worries his father might not be around for much longer and wants to spend time with him while he can?


That being said 300 miles is a huge distance away and hubbys health and well being is important. Maybe the opening conversation should be to find out hubbys thoughts of the situation.

Snuggles

lessonlearned wrote: »

Snuggles to go back to your original question I don't think you are being unreasonable, however at this late stage I think "time together" is the least of your worries.

Whilst I appreciate that you are also being put under a lot of stress, from what you say, if I were in your shoes, my main concern would be your husband's health and well being.

If he is working such long days, bringing work home, eating his main meal so late and then going straight to bed that would be bad enough in itself, a sure fire recipe for getting sick.

However, add those alternate weekends when he's doing all that driving and then providing care and support for his father then quite frankly he's playing Russian Roulette with his health.

Thank you. I now realise it probably hasn't come across at all but this has in fact been my primary concern all along and is exactly the reason why, when this started, I kept pressing OH to have the conversation with FIL to set expectations.

I worry about him so much, whenever I'm late hearing from him, I worry that he might have had an accident. And I worry about the toll it must all be taking on him mentally and physically.

But we're two years down the line, and after trying over and over to get him to see that he can't go on like this, that he would be no use to anyone if he burns himself out, or worse, I got to a point where I just had to stop. Nothing I said made any difference, and it's so difficult, trying to express your concern without putting more pressure on, without sounding as though you are nagging (hate that word!). He has a very stubborn mindset and will just not listen to reason if he decides he doesn't want to. And I have to admit, there is an element of hurt that he doesn't seem to take my feelings, my worries about him (or my worries about the effect on our relationship) into account.

I just got to a point where I thought, this is futile, and is only causing friction between us. He's an adult, if he won't listen, and if he wants to run himself into the ground, there's nothing I can do about it. Of course that's not how I really feel, but what else can I do? There have been many times when I've thought about contacting FIL myself (as another poster suggested) and trying to speak to him about how OH can't keep going like this. But knowing OH as I do, I think he would be furious if I did this, he would see it as me going behind his back.

So I gave up the battle of trying to make him see that he's putting himself in danger, which I guess is why it hasn't come across in my posts as something I worry about. I do, it's just that after all this time, I'm also now worrying about our relationship and that I feel more and more alone.

onwards&upwards

Snuggles wrote: »

Thank you. I now realise it probably hasn't come across at all but this has in fact been my primary concern all along and is exactly the reason why, when this started, I kept pressing OH to have the conversation with FIL to set expectations.

I worry about him so much, whenever I'm late hearing from him, I worry that he might have had an accident. And I worry about the toll it must all be taking on him mentally and physically.

But we're two years down the line, and after trying over and over to get him to see that he can't go on like this, that he would be no use to anyone if he burns himself out, or worse, I got to a point where I just had to stop. Nothing I said made any difference, and it's so difficult, trying to express your concern without putting more pressure on, without sounding as though you are nagging (hate that word!). He has a very stubborn mindset and will just not listen to reason if he decides he doesn't want to. And I have to admit, there is an element of hurt that he doesn't seem to take my feelings, my worries about him (or my worries about the effect on our relationship) into account.

I just got to a point where I thought, this is futile, and is only causing friction between us. He's an adult, if he won't listen, and if he wants to run himself into the ground, there's nothing I can do about it. Of course that's not how I really feel, but what else can I do? There have been many times when I've thought about contacting FIL myself (as another poster suggested) and trying to speak to him about how OH can't keep going like this. But knowing OH as I do, I think he would be furious if I did this, he would see it as me going behind his back.

So I gave up the battle of trying to make him see that he's putting himself in danger, which I guess is why it hasn't come across in my posts as something I worry about. I do, it's just that after all this time, I'm also now worrying about our relationship and that I feel more and more alone.

I think you should print this post out and leave it for him to read alone.

It’s really honest, and clear, and your concern for him and your hurt and your fears for the future all come across really well. Probably better than you can say it in speech because you’d be interrupted or get tearful or flustered.

If he doesn’t pay attention to the above, I don’t know what could.