Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Snuggles

Husband’s father lives alone 300 miles away. He has mobility problems but manages day to day. Due to various health problems and crises he was having, my OH (and I) spent a lot of time there for a period, juggling work and other commitments. It was a a very difficult and stressful time. Things are more settled now, but it has ended up with my OH still travelling up there every other weekend. It was always supposed to be a temporary arrangement, but it’s now been going on for 2 years. FIL has lots of friends where he lives but not much family.

I know that every other weekend might not seem like much. But OH has a very pressured job and works very long hours during the week (leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 8pm is the norm, and it’s often later). We barely see each other at all Monday to Friday. And every other weekend he’s driving all that way to take FIL shopping, do jobs round the house etc. I kept asking and OH always said he planned to drop this down to a more manageable level - eg once a month. But he’s never broached it with FIL and FIL seems to expect that OH can just keep doing this. I gave up asking OH as it was starting to cause friction between us and I tried to accept that it’s just something he feels he must do.

But I now feel at the end of my tether with it. To the point that I resent FIL, which is unfair. But he has never once said to OH, do you know what, I can manage for this weekend, have an extra weekend at home. Not once, in all this time, despite knowing how hard OH works during the week. Some of the things OH does while he is there are not necessities IMO, they are things that FIL wants. He is very set in his ways and can’t seem to accept that his life has changed and it’s not that important if the garden isn’t kept pristine at all times, or if the recycling is left an extra week.

The alternate weekend when OH is home is the only real time he spends here, and his only real downtime. I worry so much about the stress on him, but he seems to think he can just keep going. I feel like we have no real life together anymore. He’s tired on that weekend and doesn’t always want to do much, which is understandable. I also feel that I need to let him have time just for him, but it doesn’t leave much for us.

Of course I understand that he wants to help FIL and feels a duty to do so, but we also need to have a life. I wouldn’t mind it so much if we had any time together during the week, but we really don’t. I would be happy if he changed to going up there every third weekend, instead of every second, but he just won’t speak to FIL about it. To be clear, apart from his mobility problems, FIL is a capable and intelligent person.

I would really appreciate other people's perspective on this, as I just don't know anymore if I'm being selfish or unreasonable. How do other people cope with ageing parents who live at a distance?

bouicca21

Well, one way of looking at it is to think about motivation. Does your OH do the trip because he wants to get the jobs done or because he wants to spend time with him?

If it is the first, then why not employ people to do some of the jobs during the week? If it is the second why not go with him? Does he have to go for the whole weekend or could a day visit do it?

Looking after elderly relatives is always going to be difficult. I was lucky to a certain extent in that I have siblings and we could have a sort of rota. We also employed a gardener, a cleaner, had a care package, weekday lunch clubs and meals on wheels at the weekend. And yes it was exhausting. Our spouses did not always understand, but what sort of person would not do all they possibly could for a parent?

paddy's_mum

300 miles is going to be 4 or 5 hours driving or more depending on location (each way!) so I can understand your resentment but also your obvious concern for your husband getting no rest.

Could you go with him on the next trip and put it to your father in law yourself that one in three weekends might be more appropriate and if that doesn't sit well with him, suggest (quite strongly) that he employ someone (or perhaps a local volunteer) to plug the gaps, as it were.

Its to his credit that your husband wants to support his father but if the cost is the collapse of his marriage, then that is not reasonable in anyone's eyes so your father in law needs to call on his many friends for a little more giving. Alternatively, could/would he move nearer to your own home so that the journey time was considerably reduced or indeed come to stay with you every third or fourth weekend?

Finally, your husband needs to realise for himself that if he runs himself into the ground, he will be of no use to anyone and that salient fact needs to be properly explored and deeply thought about.

Good luck.

Pollycat

I think you're resenting the wrong person.

Snuggles wrote: »

I kept asking and OH always said he planned to drop this down to a more manageable level - eg once a month. But he’s never broached it with FIL and FIL seems to expect that OH can just keep doing this. I gave up asking OH as it was starting to cause friction between us and I tried to accept that it’s just something he feels he must do.

I think it's up to your husband to talk to his Father and change his expectations of these visits.
Why would you expect your FIL to tell his son that he doesn't need visits every weekend?
It needs to be your husband who brings it up and resets his Father's expectations.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable by expecting more 'us' time at the weekend (as well as concern for the toll it's taking on your husband) but I do think you're being unreasonable by placing the blame on your FIL.

Sea_Shell

I don't' think you're being unreasonable, 300 miles is too far to be travelling that often.

Unless your Husband will put his foot down and cut back on the visits, there's not much you can do. It'll just end in arguments and resentment all round.

Does your Husband complain about it, but then do nothing?

That's the problem with regular visits, they very soon become "expected", and so your FIL will be planning on what needs doing on the next visit, and so without prior warning (organised in advance) he's going to keep expecting his son to come.

As a trial, before his next visit, let FIL know that he won't be getting another visit for 3 weeks, so he has time to think and plan how he'll manage during that time. Don't leave it until the visit to drop that on him.

You have to manage his expectations....gradually. DH needs to be on board to do this though, otherwise it's pointless. What if FIL rings and says "I know you're not due this week but I need XYZ doing...can you come?" Will DH give in, or say sorry no?

Also has FIL got the financial ability to pay for help (gardening, cleaning etc.)?

I don't envy your position, and I hope you find a solution that everyone's happy with.

paddy's_mum

Pollycat wrote: »

I do think you're being unreasonable by placing the blame on your FIL.

I agree with this bit but it's also clear that husband is paying lip service to changing the pattern and that leaves OP somewhat up a creek...

In answer to the original question, I don't believe the OP is being selfish at all. For this degree of 'living like a single person' to have gone on relentlessly for over two years the husband is taking a hell of a chance. Why would a wife shoulder all the work, all the stress, all the responsibility, all the aloneness and not protest?

Perhaps the remedy is to insist the husband explains clearly why he is effectively abandoning his wife in favour of his father? Guilt, remorse, pity, duty..only he can answer and only he can work with his (uncomplaining!) saintly wife to resolve this unhappy imbalance.

warby68

How much is husband genuinely wanting to go, needing to go, or feeling an obligation to go? Is he avoiding disappointing dad or disappointing you?

The balance of these will impact what you can do and who will resent who for trying to change it.

FWIW I DO think its too much on a permanent basis on top of demanding full time work. Its not as if he's going up for a rest either.

If however husband really wants to go because its his dad then is there a reason you can't go sometimes so you're together and share the driving (assuming you drive)?

LandyAndy

bouicca21 wrote: »

If it is the first, then why not employ people to do some of the jobs during the week? If it is the second why not go with him? Does he have to go for the whole weekend or could a day visit do it?

?

A 600 mile round trip, in a day.:eek:

Snuggles

Thank you for all the replies, I have to go to work but will reply fully later. I just wanted to point out that I did say in my OP that I know it's unfair to resent FIL for the situation. If anyone is to "blame", it's my OH, but it's hard to "blame" him when I know he's doing what he feels he needs to and has to, to support his FIL.

What I do struggle to understand though is why FIL wouldn't be sufficiently concerned about his son's welfare to realise that he might need a break sometimes, but maybe that's unfair of me?

warby68

Snuggles wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies, I have to go to work but will reply fully later. I just wanted to point out that I did say in my OP that I know it's unfair to resent FIL for the situation. If anyone is to "blame", it's my OH, but it's hard to "blame" him when I know he's doing what he feels he needs to and has to, to support his FIL.

What I do struggle to understand though is why FIL wouldn't be sufficiently concerned about his son's welfare to realise that he might need a break sometimes, but maybe that's unfair of me?

I do find the elderly ( in my current case, my mum) do become quite selfish and rather blinkered when considering other's needs. It tends to become all about what they need and want.

Snuggles

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I agree with this bit but it's also clear that husband is paying lip service to changing the pattern and that leaves OP somewhat up a creek...

In answer to the original question, I don't believe the OP is being selfish at all. For this degree of 'living like a single person' to have gone on relentlessly for over two years the husband is taking a hell of a chance. Why would a wife shoulder all the work, all the stress, all the responsibility, all the aloneness and not protest?

Perhaps the remedy is to insist the husband explains clearly why he is effectively abandoning his wife in favour of his father? Guilt, remorse, pity, duty..only he can answer and only he can work with his (uncomplaining!) saintly wife to resolve this unhappy imbalance.

Thank you. This has made me cry, because it sums up how I feel - alone. But I don't really feel I can say it because it sounds like emotional blackmail or trying to put my own needs before FILs.