Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable

Pollycat

Snuggles wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies, I have to go to work but will reply fully later. I just wanted to point out that I did say in my OP that I know it's unfair to resent FIL for the situation. If anyone is to "blame", it's my OH, but it's hard to "blame" him when I know he's doing what he feels he needs to and has to, to support his FIL.

Then stop apportioning any "blame" and discuss it calmly with your husband.

Snuggles wrote: »

What I do struggle to understand though is why FIL wouldn't be sufficiently concerned about his son's welfare to realise that he might need a break sometimes, but maybe that's unfair of me?

The answer is here:

warby68 wrote: »

I do find the elderly ( in my current case, my mum) do become quite selfish and rather blinkered when considering other's needs. It tends to become all about what they need and want.

I found exactly the same with my Mum & Dad.
One time, they were having a small dispute with neighbours and me and my husband had arranged a free session with a local solicitor.
We'd both arranged to take the morning off work (not easy) and when we told Dad he said he couldn't make the appointment because it was a Friday and that's when he did the shopping - bearing in mind both he and Mum were retired.

Instead of struggling to understand why your FIL wouldn't be sufficiently concerned about his son's welfare to realise that he might need a break sometimes, why not try to understand why your husband is driving himself into the ground when it doesn't sound like it's really necessary and won't do anything about it.
And why he allows any discussion about it to cause friction...

Snuggles wrote: »

but maybe that's unfair of me?

Personally, I do think that's unfair of you.

Pollycat

Snuggles wrote: »

Thank you. This has made me cry, because it sums up how I feel - alone. But I don't really feel I can say it because it sounds like emotional blackmail or trying to put my own needs before FILs.

My posts may have come across as 'against' you but that's not how I actually see it.
I don't think you are putting your own needs before your FIL's.

I really do understand your issue and sympathise with your worry for your husband.
But why isn't your husband worrying about the effect this is having on you?
You shouldn't be feeling alone, you and your husband should be approaching this together, united.

Dymphna60

Oh dear snuggles . I agree you are in a difficult situation When you married your husband I am sure you didn’t anticipate that your FIL was going to be taking so much of your husbands time .
Do you love your husband because he is a kind and caring man ?
Is ‘sitting him down and insisting that he spends more time with you ‘ going to make your relationship happier ?
I only know that wouldn’t do it for me .
Like many many people I found myself in the situation that your husband is . A parent suddenly old and ill . A busy job several hundred miles away. A partner who wanted me with him as I wanted to be with him .
I just had to do my best as everyone does . I visited my parent about as often as your husband did for 2-3 years more often in his final weeks . Yes it was tiring but it was never going to be for ever - nothing is . Sometimes my partner came and we would make a little holiday. Taking in the sights , going to the cinema ect . Sometimes he did other things he enjoyed at home .
I know my father ‘ needed ‘ me . Yes I did jobs when I was there but really he just wanted to have my company to talk about the past and the future.
In the end I don’t think it harmed my relationship with my partner. He chose me because of who I am and that included giving love and time to my father .

[Deleted User]

If your OH works long hours in a stressful job I assume he has the income to go with it.


Therefore the obvious solution is to employ a local to FIL handyman / woman / carer to do these jobs so at least when OH does visit it is a quality time social call not a dashing to the supermarket , mend the washing machine, mow the lawn type visit.

silvercar

The action needs to come from your husband. In a similar situation we have limited visits to what we consider reasonable and have told the parent that if they want more family involvement they need to consider moving to live near family.

TBagpuss

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think it's a difficult situation and one you need to try to discuss with your husband, ideally at a time whn neither of you is *too* stressed.

It may be helpful if you do some research first: for instnace,think about what your husband is dpoing for his dad when he visits, and what other resouces there might be to get those things done, for instnace:

- Could you/your husband order shopping online and have it delivered to FIL, rather than your husbnad doing the shopping (if FIL isn't confroaable with doing it himself)
- Could you arrange for a cleaning service to go in once a week?
- Are there local resources such as scoial clubs or day vnetres, which your FIl might enjoy, and if so, could you help sort out membership andbooking for a regular taxi or other transport?
- Could you arrange a carer once ot twice a week, even if mostly the reason for them going in is to check if he is OK and needs anything?

Your husband might find it easier to consider going less frequently if he has concrete suggestions about how to ensure his dad has any support he needs, and he may in turn find it easier to broach the subject with his dad if hecan offer specifc solutions to any concers dad may raise.

If your husband is going primarily because he wants to spend time with his dad, arethere ways of enabling this which are not so hard on you as a couple? For example, could your husband move his visits to 1 in 3 weekends, with phone or skype contact in beteern?
Could you and he go together, and perhaps sometimes spend a weekend in a hotel and just take his dad out for a meal aor visit him, rather then spending the whole weekend with him?
- How mobile is FIL? Could he visit you sometimes? I appreciate that that doesn't change the time drain but might reduce how tiring it all is a bit oif your husbnd was doing less travelling.

Does your FIL have any other fmily - has your husband talked to them about the level of dupport his dad needs?

I think you and your husband bned to get on the same page first, then talk to FIL. Has you husband tried telling his dad he won't be there in 2 weks time? <aybe not saying "I can't come once a fortnight" but "I can't come on 28th, I'll see you on 12th", so he is effectively 'skipping' once regualr visit - then maybe telling his dad he will see him in 3 weeks.

It isn't obvious whether FIL is demaning that he com, or just that he hasn't mentioned it and FIL isn't aware that he might be finding it hard work.

oystercatcher

I expect to a certain extent it's not the little jobs that the OH is going for but he wants to spend time with his father who may not be there for much longer.

If OP wants to spend more time with her husband then maybe they should support him in caring for the father? Go with him, share the driving , share the chores and enjoy some one to one time on the long journey and maybe use this time to discuss the way forward. This won't go on forever and would you want to be responsible for OH feeling he didn't spend enough time with his father at the end of his life ?

Yes there are many variables in the equation, including getting outside help in, visiting less often or moving father but if OP is more involved now then maybe the situation can be discussed and assessed gradually. It can take a long time for elderly people to change routines and habits and their needs can change too, only by keeping in touch can you know how he really is and what he really needs.

It just seems that staying home alone is breeding resentment which won't do anyone any good!

Mojisola

Snuggles wrote: »

But OH has a very pressured job and works very long hours during the week (leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 8pm is the norm, and it’s often later).

And every other weekend he’s driving all that way to take FIL shopping, do jobs round the house etc.

After two years of this, your OH needs to take on board that it's important for carers to take care of themselves as well as the person they are caring for.

If the stress and exhaustion leads him to be ill or have an accident due to tiredness (which reduces driving ability the same way being drunk does), who will look after his father then?

As his Dad is keen on his garden, getting a gardener in could be a good way to get him to accept paid-for help.

I did this with my parents - once they got used to having the gardener coming, it was easier for them to accept a cleaner and other help.

thorsoak

Has anyone suggested that a practical solution might be for your FiL to move closer to you? Does he own his home, or is it rented? Is there family holding him 300 miles away from his son?

Pollycat

thorsoak wrote: »

Has anyone suggested that a practical solution might be for your FiL to move closer to you? Does he own his home, or is it rented? Is there family holding him 300 miles away from his son?

"Not much family", according to the OP.
No idea how close the relationship is.