Expensive hen do

Slinky

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

However can we please stop saying how inconsiderate it is of the bride to have a hen do abroad. For some people (especial if single) these type of group holidays (which is really what this is) can be really good and very enjoyable.

My understanding of these hen dos, according to the many my neice has ended up going on, is that the other attendees pay for the hen. Which seems pretty inconsiderate to me, especially for my neice who has a lot of female friends, has been cheif bridesmaid several times as she's a good organiser, but has never been married herself!

buildersdaughter

I would sit down and have a good think - but I can't help feeling that you wouldn't have come on here if you really wanted to go. Imagine yourself at the wedding, fretting about the money already spent - will you feel better if you have kept within your budget, or will you feel sad?

You do need to separate out the comments of those of us who think the whole thing a waste of time!

This is your friend and you need to talk to her. So I would speak to the bride, and to whoever is organising (usually 'chief' bridesmaid) and say that you can't afford it, hope they have a good time, and will there be another small get-together you can join?
You can say that you're sorry that the timing has worked out badly with your home and studies, but that's just how it is.

barbiedoll

My sister had her hen do abroad recently. I didn’t go, I didn’t want to go and I told her so. I didn’t want to spend hundreds of pounds on a holiday with a load of drunk, middle-aged women that I didn’t know. (I’m middle-aged too!)

She also had a hen night in London, which I did attend. I didn’t really want to go to that either, but I’m very glad that I did, her friends were all lovely and made me feel very welcome.

Is your friend also having a local hen night? Most of them do, I daresay she has other friends or relatives that won’t be going abroad, for whatever reason.

Don’t stress about it though, just tell her the truth, you can’t afford it at present, your house, and paying off your debt, is your priority. As it should be!

Doodles

Did the bride to be discuss with any of her friends beforehand?

One lady in our office has arranged a similar thing, but she chatted with friends about her suggestion first to see if everyone was up for it. They were, so hen do booked abroad, no problem.

You say a close friend, but was there any discussion with you, or did she simply decide and expect everyone to go along with it. If so, that's pretty poor.

But if she did run it past others, and you weren't one of them, well to be honest I would start doubting how much of a close friend she was, and that makes it easier on the conscience to decline! With 17 others going, its not like she is going to be lonely on the hen weekend.

As others have said already, it's really a no brainer because if you can't afford it then you shouldn't go, and if she is a good mate then she will understand.

Just tell her that you are sorry that you won't be able to make it, but that nearer the time to her wedding you will take her out for a nice meal.

burnsguitarman

Please don't be pressurised in feeling like you have to go. Stick to your guns. The wedding itself (assuming you will be going) is an expensive affair. Just be honest. Im of an older generation, and I can see that this has got all out of hand. It used to be a group of your friends going to a local venue and having a good night out!

Ergates

Help1234 wrote: »

But then I’m worried I’m being selfish to expect things to be worked around my finances when I’m just one attendee. I have a real issue with the £100 activity but I can’t just sit out of it like a sour grapes

There is a point at which expecting events to be organised around your finances would be selfish, but £500 isn't it. Not even close.

Pollycat

Gavin83 wrote: »

Would you spend £500 on a holiday? If so why the difference?

There's a big difference.
A holiday would be my (our) choice of destination, not someone else's.

The OP has financial concerns plus a big issue with the one planned activity which is costing £100 so it sounds like she won't enjoy it.
I think she'll end up going though.

Pollycat

Help1234 wrote: »

Thanks for your thoughts. The problem I have is we have just bought a house that needed lots of renovating. We have finished the house now but have been left with £5000 debt (we thought we saved enough but then here we are), which we have put on an interest free virgin card. I feel like it is hanging over my head and I’m desperate to pay it off as soon as possible. My partner works but I’m a funded PhD student bringing in £1200 per month. I finish in 18 months time.
The hen do is end of spring 2019. I could probably pay for the hen do out of our wages but it would mean not paying much off the debt for several months. On top of this it’s my 30th birthday in spring and was really hoping to go away somewhere within the UK for just a couple of days.

Having read this ^^^^ there's a big financial reason for saying 'no'.
If she's a good friend she will know all this and understand.

onlyroz

Gavin83 wrote: »

Would you spend £500 on a holiday? If so why the difference?



Why? The stag/hen should be free to do what they want, other people are free to tag along or stay at home as they wish. Personally I had a trip to Prague and also a night out in London for those who didn't want to spend that much. Worked out well. Personally I've never been to a stag that wasn't abroad, although in my experience stag do's are generally a bit more exotic than the hen. I even know one friend who attended a week long stag do in Vegas, cost him several thousand.

My advice to the OP would be not to attend if you can't afford it. The bride should understand. Much like choosing to have a wedding abroad if you choose to have a hen do abroad you should respect that some people won't be able to come.

There’s a big difference between spending £500 going somewhere you’ve chosen and spending the same going to somebody else’s choice and using up your precious annual leave in the process. As for people being “free to stay at home as they wish” it’s not as simple as that if it’s a close friend. I hope you enjoyed your trip to Prague but I bet some of your attendees in all honesty would have preferred a night down the pub.

Bellisima

If you cannot afford it don’t go. I bet some of the other 18 cannot afford it either, but will be using a Credit Card to pay for it all. Do not be a sheep.