Huge wedding problem :(

Mojisola

NeilCr wrote: »

Perhaps it would be better if "most" (not convinced this is the case at all) women said what they actually meant as opposed to expecting people to read between the lines. It might avoid a number of difficult misunderstandings and ongoing problems.

happyandcontented wrote: »

So are you advocating telling your partner what to do in this situation rather than allowing him the autonomy to make up his own mind?

How do you get from "This is how I feel about the situation" to "This is what I'm ordering you do"?

Red-Squirrel_2

NeilCr wrote: »

Perhaps it would be better if "most" (not convinced this is the case at all) women said what they actually meant as opposed to expecting people to read between the lines. It might avoid a number of difficult misunderstandings and ongoing problems.

I sort of agree, I'm not one for silly game playing, but if your partner only ever does the right thing because you tell them to, is there any value in it?

If I was this man's partner I would have told him he should definitely go to the day bit of the wedding and it was up to him how he felt about going to the evening bit on his own. I wouldn't have been angry or punished him in any way for not coming home, but it would have certainly been informative.

happyandcontented

NeilCr wrote: »

Nope. Not sure where you got that from.

I cannot explain it any better than Pollycat did in #239 so I won't try.

OK, fair enough, I have re read what Pollycat said which was

'Again - honestly and truthfully - I'd give my OH the option whether to go to the evening do.
I wouldn't see his attendance there as important as the ceremony and meal but would leave it to him to decide."

Largely, that is what I said, but I would expect him to consider it very carefully and if he decided to go I would be disappointed because of the bolded bit.

There is meaning what you say: it is your choice, and then there are the feelings engendered from that choice, which to me are evidenced by the phone call from his wife.

NeilCr

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I sort of agree, I'm not one for silly game playing, but if your partner only ever does the right thing because you tell them to, is there any value in it?

If I was this man's partner I would have told him he should definitely go to the day bit of the wedding and it was up to him how he felt about going to the evening bit on his own. I wouldn't have been angry or punished him in any way for not coming home, but it would have certainly been informative.

As Mojisola says it's not about telling someone what to do it's about telling them how you feel.

I think my partner would have taken the same line as you. Not sure where punishment comes into it at all - in any relationship - except maybe a BDSM one!

jackieblack

pimento wrote: »

We share a double X chromosome.

That doesn't mean you can answer for everyone else with a double X chromosome though, nor know how we all think.

Red-Squirrel_2

NeilCr wrote: »

As Mojisola says it's not about telling someone what to do it's about telling them how you feel.

I think my partner would have taken the same line as you. Not sure where punishment comes into it at all - in any relationship - except maybe a BDSM one!

You've been lucky in your relationships then!!

gettingtheresometime

leighavfc wrote: »

IM OUT!! Thank you for all the normal understanding people in here!

& there you have the flounce.....

Mojisola

happyandcontented wrote: »

OK, fair enough, I have re read what Pollycat said which was

'Again - honestly and truthfully - I'd give my OH the option whether to go to the evening do.
I wouldn't see his attendance there as important as the ceremony and meal but would leave it to him to decide."

Largely, that is what I said, but I would expect him to consider it very carefully and if he decided to go I would be disappointed because of the bolded bit.

If I would be upset about my OH staying over for the evening part of the wedding, I would have said "I don't mind you going for the ceremony and the meal but I'd rather you didn't stay for the evening".

Why complicate things by making him guess how you feel when you could tell him?

And, as for punishing him if he guesses wrong - well, I'm glad we don't behave like that!

NeilCr

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

You've been lucky in your relationships then!!

Maybe.

I realise that there are many abusive relationships. I see the fallout of some. I missed out the word "healthy" in my original post

happyandcontented

Mojisola wrote: »

If I would be upset about my OH staying over for the evening part of the wedding, I would have said "I don't mind you going for the ceremony and the meal but I'd rather you didn't stay for the evening".

Why complicate things by making him guess how you feel when you could tell him?

And, as for punishing him if he guesses wrong - well, I'm glad we don't behave like that!

I would probably have said that too, but because she didn't spell it out to him ( and really, you would have thought he could work it out for himself) doesn't mean that she was happy for him to stay.

I think the phone call from her whilst he was at the wedding re her and the kids 'not being able to wait to see him' speaks volumes about her real thoughts on the matter.