Huge wedding problem :(

leighavfc

happyandcontented wrote: »

Maybe you are right, but to me, her ringing him during the wedding and saying that seems odd. They have been together some years and he was away for the day, not posted to the front line! In fact, I would have waited for him to get a moment to ring me rather than risk disturbing an important moment.

She did not ring me during the day. I rang her.see post that NeilCR quoted.

I got the morning phone call wrong, i had text her to say ring me when you are up with kids because i want to speak to them. Sorry i mislead you here, only just checked back through msgs.

happyandcontented

NeilCr wrote: »

And there you go again. "Expect to make the right decision". Much easier to make that decision when you know how the other party actually feels about it. Not guessing.

My OH has a large family (including a number of grandchildren). I am the only child of only children, have no kids of my own and, frankly, am uncomfortable around them. When we started going out she'd ask me to family gatherings and I would, dutifully, go as I felt I should.

After a while she said to me that she could see it was difficult for me. She then said she would understand if I didn't go but to be straight with her if I didn't want to. She would like me to be there, obviously, but wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't go. And, that made it easier for me to go because I didn't feel obliged. We've worked it out now that she doesn't ask me to the "screaming grandchildren" ones and I go to the others!

Communication between us sorted it out. We've got the same thing with a band I want to see. She hasn't heard of them and I suspect she won't like them. I said that to her. She asked me if I'd go by myself. I said probably not. She said she'd come - then suggested going up early and having lunch with friends. Then she could sleep through the band!

:rotfl::rotfl:

She has encouraged me to be open - she says how she feels about things but, as Pollycat says, leaves the decision to me - with full knowledge of her take on it. And no comebacks whatever I decide.

Funnily enough, apparently, I pretty much always come to the right conclusion!

:T:T

I think we will have to agree to disagree. You have your opinion and I have mine:)

Communication is key but sometimes people do say what they think is either expected of them or what the other party needs to hear, not necessarily what they honestly feel. Reading a situation is also key and sometimes other things speak louder than words and other issues such as loyalty override any given situation after you have discharged your duties as a friend.

leighavfc

warehouse wrote: »

In this thread I've read several times about weddings ruining relationships between family members. That's utter nonsense. What weddings do is bring out the bride/grooms real self, in this particular case a very nasty and manipulative individual. It's the individuals who ruin families due to selfishness and bullyng behaviour.

A very good and close friend of mine married someone who portrayed almost identical traits to this bride in that she chose which of my friends friends she would get on with, and the rest she did her very best to cut out of his life with antics such as the OP has seen. The wedding was a classic example with so many of his friends missing that it was obvious something was up. In his case, (as in this case), he didn't stand up to her and let her appalling behaviour go unchecked.

Ten years later she divorced him and took him for everything he had. She utterly ruined him and left him homeless and almost totally friendless.

OP, I have only two things to add. After my experience/life lesson from this woman I would never give in to such behaviour again. You going was partly giving her license to carry on acting this way, and as time passes you may see that her behaviour slowly cuts you out of his life as well. I'm not saying you were wrong, just that I'd have stayed in with my wife & kids after living through a similar person.

Lastly, your friend will need you one day when she ****s all over him. Don't let this person come between you.

Absolutely agree and yes im fully aware of what could possibly happen in the future but tbh ive been round theirs to watch the football etc snd she hasnt got a problem witg us going out. She often picks us up from town in a state so i dont think she will come between us but i will keep an open mind on this one.

I will be there any day he wants me too be like he has often been for me and as i said in a previous post we have a strong relationship so hopefully we will never a situation that wrecks this.

happyandcontented

Ah, but they are married now....and he didn't stand up to her for you over the issue that caused the problem. How can you have confidence that he will if she suddenly decides that he shouldn't be going out with you and 'getting into a state?'

warby68

leighavfc wrote: »

Sorry i do apologise about getting the wife bit wrong!!

Ok i do see where your coming from but i reiterate that me and my wife are straight talking and i was under no illusions of what was right and wrong when i walked out the door. I know where the line is and i never cross it. This is why i knew i was under no pressure to come home on the night amd she wanted me to enjoy myself. I had already paid £100 + for a hotel room and taxis from the middle of nowhere driving 30 miles home would have cost silly money. But this is why the straight talking stuff is important as i know where i stand. No hidden agenda, no guessing... all cards on table is the only way to be in my eyes. I cannot see how a relationship works any other way

Everybody who knows me knows that i put everybody else before myself, admittedly none of you here can back me up on this. I went to the wedding knowing i could stay as long as i like and even overnight if i so wish too, i cannot see how anybody can say to me that i have done wrong as the person who i have supposedly done wrong is 100 % behind my decision... yet i am wrong in some peoples eyes on here. Thats fine and thats just others opinion.. but there must be loads of insecure relationships out there if that is the case.

I was gone for less than 24 hours and immediately took the wife and kids out to spoil them. I didnt have to do this either but i did as a thank you for being 1 in a million and completly taking the stress and pressure off me. Sounds like a few on here are spoken to in riddles and made to make wild guesses on what their wife or husband is saying to them... this is just daft in my opinion.

We are not bothered about the bride anymore, it was about me supporting somebody who means so much to me and spending his most important day of his life with him.. all day, half a day whatever it doesnt matter. If my wife was that concerned she WOULD have said so.. she doesnt shirk.. trust me i know.we spoke about the bride last night and put it to bed, we know where we stand with her and will not be entertaining her prescence in the future. My wife put it to me like this.. you two are in the middle, why should i spoil the day for the groom having his closest friend there just because the bride has it in for me?

But you have shown your wider circle as well as this nasty bride that you are prepared to allow your wife to be treated badly and are actually not all that bothered because you had a very good time regardless. You might not feel you have undermined her but plenty of others will. Its your job to look after her in the round not just make sure you and she are ok.

The message you have given is treat my wife like crap but it doesn't matter to me. That's what the half way house would have avoided - you show distinct support to both and retain your dignity.

Its done now though but hopefully food for thought

leighavfc

happyandcontented wrote: »

Ah, but they are married now....and he didn't stand up to her for you over the issue that caused the problem. How can you have confidence that he will if she suddenly decides that he shouldn't be going out with you and 'getting into a state?'

He tried and failed from what he told me. So he did stand up for me in one sense.

Second point is hyperthetical until it happens so cannot answer that until it does. Although as i said sbove i will be keeping a closer eye on stuff like this after this situation

leighavfc

warby68 wrote: »

But you have shown your wider circle as well as this nasty bride that you are prepared to allow your wife to be treated badly and are actually not all that bothered because you had a very good time regardless. You might not feel you have undermined her but plenty of others will. Its your job to look after her in the round not just make sure you and she are ok.

The message you have given is treat my wife like crap but it doesn't matter to me. That's what the half way house would have avoided - you show distinct support to both and retain your dignity.

Its done now though but hopefully food for thought

Hmmm i get where your coming from but neither me or my partner agree and that is good enough for me...why the hell should i worry about what every man and their dog feel about me and the situation. If i was that paranoid i would not leave the house!I i showed her your post and she said no way do i feel like that, again thats the ONLY opinion that matters to me. None the less i have listened and respected your opinion but have to disagree. This is based on our relationship, yours maybe different of course and im guessing you have based it on that.

gettingtheresometime

leighavfc wrote: »

Hmmm i get where your coming from but neither me or my partner agree and that is good enough for me...why the hell should i worry about what every man and their dog feel about me and the situation. If i was that paranoid i would not leave the house!I i showed her your post and she said no way do i feel like that, again thats the ONLY opinion that matters to me. None the less i have listened and respected your opinion but have to disagree. This is based on our relationship, yours maybe different of course and im guessing you have based it on that.

Ok we don't know you, your wife or anyone else involved in the whole sorry saga.

However I do think you're being blinkered if you think your friendship hasn't / won't change. You might not think anything has or will but given your mate has disregarded (or at least been overruled!) - I wouldn't go as far as to say disrespected - your wife's feelings over this issue then things have changed.

Marvel1

leighavfc wrote: »

My wife put it to me like this.. you two are in the middle, why should i spoil the day for the groom having his closest friend there just because the bride has it in for me?

:T

However some people on this forum like to control (abuse) their partners in thinking their way.

leighavfc

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Ok we don't know you, your wife or anyone else involved in the whole sorry saga.

However I do think you're being blinkered if you think your friendship hasn't / won't change. You might not think anything has or will but given your mate has disregarded (or at least been overruled!) - I wouldn't go as far as to say disrespected - your wife's feelings over this issue then things have changed.

Well it hasnt changed though between me and groom even through the last 2 years. Obviously it has between wife and bride. l think im better placed to judge it then anyone on here as i keep banging on about my partner not being upset with me yet people are still telling me im wrong.Thats not fair and is not what the OP was about. I asked for peoples opinion on what they would do in this situation and not to tell me how my relationship with my friends and family is like. I already know that and havent had any problems bar this one. Again i asked for opinions on what people would do. I said earlier in the thread i will be keeping a closer eye on the relationship between me and groom from now on..

Thread is going round in circles now. If i need a life lesson i will ask but i asked about one situation out of how many we face in a ifetime. Now im being told that i have it all wrong yet have not fell out with many people in my life so far. I think i will carry on as i have done so far and when and if it goes to pot will review it from there.