Should I ask OH to leave?

inkie

[QUOTE]His dad has always been nasty towards him but not to this extent.
[/QUOTE]

I think that gives you the answer - how can a child be expected to live with a father who is nasty to them? Kick him in to touch.

pippamannequin

nonnythemouse wrote: »

I really do appreciate your replies, thank you.

I feel I am putting my children's needs first by having him here because then he can't take them to his place and treat them appallingly as he appears to have done before. At least I can protect DD here.

Courts tend to listen to dads more these days despite the children's feelings if they are very young as DD is (4). There are other threads on MSE that say they have similar problems with their ex's and the authorities won't listen.

Also ex is extremely manipulative and would be confident in court whereas I'm timid and having been a SAH mum for a few years feel a bit unworldly and wouldn't stand a chance of putting my side across to protect DD from him.

I don't know what to do for the best. If it was down to me I'd have him out in a heartbeat (well when he was at work anyway, he wouldn't leave otherwise!) but son doesn't want his sister upset and DD would probably want her dad here as he's not too bad to her in front of me.

Thanks

xx

YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF.... is this situation going to get any better???
Or do you agree with me and believe it will get worse as the children get older? In my case my 14 year old boy standing there and pushing my husband off me, and me watching my son being pushed (with a fist in his chest) to the ground.
You need to build up the courage to tell him to go, you and your son will give all the comfort your daughter needs and a boy of this age doesnt need to ever see his dad if he doesnt want to. His feelings will also be taken serioulsy when considering those of your daughter, no one will force contact if you and your son are brave enough to stand up to this man.
You can do this, you just need to find the strength to make him leave once and for all. xx

Mollymop5

Please put your son first.
Ask OH to leave. your son is old enough to decide whether he wants to see him.Fear is sometimes worse than a physical beating.
My ex is a lovely person who changes into a beast when he drinks.He used to have periods of 6-12 months without drinking then he'd go out and get plastered.I spent every weekend wondering if this would be the weekend he'd go out drinking.I lived in constant fear although he never realised this no matter how I tried to explain to him.sorry was his magic word.
The fear your son must feel on a daily babsis must be terrifying.My stomache is churning at the thought.
Make a stand and ask him to leave.The courts would listen as they take emotional abuse as seriously as any other abuse.
I wish you well.

liz105

This man is not a bully, he is a wife and child abuser. Simple as. Comments like 'he doesnt really do anything in front of her' or whatever is was, this is not a healthy environment in which to bring up two children. I would have kicked him out months ago. He is a violent and abusive person with no control. If you stayed and something were to happen to one of the children you may well be included in any neglect or abuse charges as admitting you knew there was an issue and failing to protect your children. Check recent news items, its not uncommon for this to occur.

chattycathyuk

Kurt_Death wrote: »

A 4 yr old child in nappies is more worrying than your OH's behaviour.

Are you for real!! if you have nothing intelligence to say! dont bloody say it.

idoit, people like you make this world a sad place to live.

:money: This with the middle finger!!!

icklejulez

Firstly would you allow a stranger into your home to bully and threaten your kids? I had this as a child from my father and at 25 i feel like i lost a lot of self confidence becasue of my parents behavior. My mum just stood by him as he was her husband and she had to respect his decision. She also told me at about 15 that she would always stand by him before me as he will always be there for her and i would eventually leave home.

Secondly as a mother how would you feel if in your OH temper one day he hit your son and did him some long term damage to your son? Knowing you allowed your husband back into the house and watched it all happening.

Your children are your children protect them no matter what. Your children need your support so that they can grow up believing in people and able to form meaningfull relationships in the future.

Loretta

Kimitatsu wrote: »

I am sorry but how was this ever acceptable? not really violent? if you saw a woman in the street with her OH screaming in her face and threatening her would you be worried enough to call the authorities for fear of violence? I know I would, and thats what your children have to see every day.

His behaviour is not acceptable and IMO has crossed the line. As others have said if you have concerns about his behaviour (and remember there will be police records of them being called to the house) then he can still excercise his right to see his children at a contact centre or a mutually agreed place, it certainly does not have to be his home.

At 13 your sons views will be taken very seriously by the courts and anything he has to add will be given due consideration. For all the horror stories you have heard on the boards the courts are in the main powerless to enforce contact rights (there are twice as many horror stories about that!) especially where the children have expressed an opinion not to go.

You have survived on your own before honey and from the sounds of things YOU were far happier, taking him back for the sake of the kids? Where in that is the happy mum=happy kids equation? They need you to be there for them, not to worry that DD may be upset if Dad leaves. She will be an awful lot more upset if he knocks her for six across the room.

Take a deep breath and look at all the advice on here, there is a womens aid refuge helpline that can be found here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024&itemTitle=Find+a+local+service
or you can call them 24/7 on 0808 2000 247 or you can email them [EMAIL="helpline@womensaid.org.uk"]helpline@womensaid.org.uk[/EMAIL]

Sometimes just talking it through with people that see this kind of abuse every day and can discuss your options with you can help.

Keep us updated and keep yourself and your little ones safe

Hugs
x

This post says it all

siren13577

icklejulez wrote: »

Firstly would you allow a stranger into your home to bully and threaten your kids? I had this as a child from my father and at 25 i feel like i lost a lot of self confidence becasue of my parents behavior. My mum just stood by him as he was her husband and she had to respect his decision. She also told me at about 15 that she would always stand by him before me as he will always be there for her and i would eventually leave home.

Secondly as a mother how would you feel if in your OH temper one day he hit your son and did him some long term damage to your son? Knowing you allowed your husband back into the house and watched it all happening.

Your children are your children protect them no matter what. Your children need your support so that they can grow up believing in people and able to form meaningfull relationships in the future.

How horrible for you. I'm 30 and I have low self esteem, lack of self confidence, I was almost hospitalised for being suicidal and self harmed. Situations like this are awful, I have a four year old and look at him and think I could never do anything to him (my abuse started at his age) and I'd kill someone rather than have him harmed.

To the OP, to mkae you feel a little better about the nappy situation, my niece is five and has only just resolved her toilet issues, she came out of nappies at around four and a half but still had regularly accidents at school, home and out and about. Persistance pays off but I believe that once all the uncertainty is over you may find that with nurturing and love your DD will manage to leave nappies behind. Children are very perceptive and can pick up on the slightest things. Good Luck and be strong, pm if you need or want to.

anonymousie

Kurt_Death wrote: »

A 4 yr old child in nappies is more worrying than your OH's behaviour.

Not, I disgree. It is more likely a symptom of how the little girl feels about the situation at home- 4yr olds don't have an awful lot of ways of expressing the fact that things aren't right for them.

OP you have heaps of great advice.

THe biggest is that only you can choose though.

You are in a abusive relationship, and you have to recognise it for that. I has gone on for all of your marriage I bet. THe fact that you have no confidence and are a "doormat" is due to many years in this situation. He has deliberately made you like this:mad: .You canbe strong and recover though.

The "lightbulb moment" will come, and I sure hope this is it.

The oter thing that you need to know that I hope will increase you resolve is that kids with parents that abuse are more likely to abuse themselves- so get out of there and show your kids what a normal, loving home life should really be like- You are a great parent- remember that.

You are a better person than he is and ARE able to have the confidence to choose and act on what is right for you and the kids.

fay66

My daughter was in nappies and wet til she was 5 I think so kids can stop later on, My daughters behaviour is shocking at the moment and she is lacking discipline, Ive walked out on 2 relationships because they were shocked by her lack of respect she is now 12 , tbh , I didnt see it at the time, now shes 11 she is on report, detention maybe isolated next week at school,yes we have had a traumatic time since I left her father when she was 2, He was violent towards me , she doesnt know and cant even remember tbh. I dont know what to say, If he treats you terrible maybe this is his nail in the coffin and a way out!.