Should I ask OH to leave?

nonnythemouse

Thank you for all your replies, it really helps me in this.

I do worry that I'm overreacting, but I don't want to leave it and risk son getting hurt.

There is a bit more to this. OH left us when DD was 9 months old. He was aggressive and argumentative before he left but not really violent (only a bit of pushing really, but the police were called a couple of times as it was very frightening. He used to put his face up close, his nose touching mine and scream and threaten me). He was also having an affair.

Anyway he left for a few years, new girlfriend didn't want him (can't think why!) and he run out of the money to continue his midlife crisis so for the sake of the kids I let him come back a few months ago.

Son hated going to his dads every week. He told me dad bullied them quite badly. But the powers that be said it is paramount that dad gets to see his kids, no matter how badly the kids are treated. It's seems to be the way the world is these days with dad's rights coming before kids.

However there's no way son would want access visits to his dad's now, and at age 13 I believe he has a right to choose, so if I made OH leave DD would be at dad's new place alone. She would definately be neglected and bullied and there's nothing I could do about it. The thought fills me with terror.

At least if he's here then I can protect her but am I putting my son at risk? I don't know.

Thanks again for your replies.

Voyager2002

What a sad situation.

Firstly, your OH needs to be aware of the law regarding assault, particularly on children. If he behaves like this he could end up in prison, with the children potentially being taken into care... Would it be possible to invite a friendly police officer to explain these things to him?

More fundamentally, he needs to learn some parenting skills. These can be learnt, and there are various classes available.

Voyager2002

nonnythemouse wrote: »

Son hated going to his dads every week. He told me dad bullied them quite badly. But the powers that be said it is paramount that dad gets to see his kids, no matter how badly the kids are treated. It's seems to be the way the world is these days with dad's rights coming before kids.

However there's no way son would want access visits to his dad's now, and at age 13 I believe he has a right to choose, so if I made OH leave DD would be at dad's new place alone. She would definately be neglected and bullied and there's nothing I could do about it. The thought fills me with terror.

You are making a number of highly questionable assumptions about what would happen to the children if he were to leave. Courts generally place children, specially small children, with the mother, and are reluctant to put a child in a violent situation. I don't want to say what I think would happen, because I am not a lawyer and may be wrong. I do think you should get some legal advice about this.

I will say that there are places called contact centres, where a divorced dad can spend time with his child(ren) if visiting them at home with the mother would not be appropriate.

Gale_10

You must get legal advice on this. No-one has the right to treat children this way.

I feel very strongly that you need to kick him out, that his behaviour is totally unacceptable, that you are putting your children at risk.

However, because I am only a bod, why dont you phone nspcc and see what they say? I bet they tell you to phone the duty social worker immediately. Please please look after your kids and put their needs first!

Gale

nonnythemouse

OH is very fake and believeable outside of the house. He would spin the police a tale and my and son's side would never get believed, so going to the police about this is not really an option. Practically every word he says is a lie (I've got used to it) and sometimes I believe him even when something is in black and white in front of me that he's lying (such as a phone bill phoning a girlfriend) I begin to doubt myself, he's that good at lying.

It would be interesting if he ended up in prison though as he's a prison officer!

Loretta

nonnythemouse wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies, it really helps me in this.

I do worry that I'm overreacting, but I don't want to leave it and risk son getting hurt.

There is a bit more to this. OH left us when DD was 9 months old. He was aggressive and argumentative before he left but not really violent (only a bit of pushing really, but the police were called a couple of times as it was very frightening. He used to put his face up close, his nose touching mine and scream and threaten me). He was also having an affair.

Anyway he left for a few years, new girlfriend didn't want him (can't think why!) and he run out of the money to continue his midlife crisis so for the sake of the kids I let him come back a few months ago.

Son hated going to his dads every week. He told me dad bullied them quite badly. But the powers that be said it is paramount that dad gets to see his kids, no matter how badly the kids are treated. It's seems to be the way the world is these days with dad's rights coming before kids.

However there's no way son would want access visits to his dad's now, and at age 13 I believe he has a right to choose, so if I made OH leave DD would be at dad's new place alone. She would definately be neglected and bullied and there's nothing I could do about it. The thought fills me with terror.

At least if he's here then I can protect her but am I putting my son at risk? I don't know.

Thanks again for your replies.

Mother's always feel such guilt

He isn't going to change is he? I know what you mean, you are thinking that if you keep him at home at least you will know what mood he is in and you will be able to keep an eye on the situation but if you ask him to leave you will have no idea and as you say there is this nonsense about father's rights to see their children. Father's have responsibilities towards their children and the priviledge of their company and it does benefit children to have a good father but so many are useless and downright dangerous and there is no way that any contact benefits the children with fathers like this but at the moment the fashion is fathers,even bad ones, seem to have rights above anyone elses.

Things always get complicated, you do not want a violent, threatening man in the house but you have all these worries which are understandable.

Does he behave in this way when other people are present or when he is at work etc.?

Don't let anyone tell you that he just got a bit cross, you are not over reacting, I didn't think you were even before you gave a bit of background.

I feel for you, what an awful situation

nonnythemouse

I really do appreciate your replies, thank you.

I feel I am putting my children's needs first by having him here because then he can't take them to his place and treat them appallingly as he appears to have done before. At least I can protect DD here.

Courts tend to listen to dads more these days despite the children's feelings if they are very young as DD is (4). There are other threads on MSE that say they have similar problems with their ex's and the authorities won't listen.

Also ex is extremely manipulative and would be confident in court whereas I'm timid and having been a SAH mum for a few years feel a bit unworldly and wouldn't stand a chance of putting my side across to protect DD from him.

I don't know what to do for the best. If it was down to me I'd have him out in a heartbeat (well when he was at work anyway, he wouldn't leave otherwise!) but son doesn't want his sister upset and DD would probably want her dad here as he's not too bad to her in front of me.

Thanks

xx

Gale_10

If he is a prison officer he should know better.

Why hasnt he had training on controlling his temper?

Police are used to dealing with liars. They would probably see through him.

If I were you and he wont leave I would gather up the kids and leave. However, and I stress this, you will put yourself in a very vulnerable position by leaving - in violent relationships this is the point where most women get the really severe beatings. The men dont like having the power taken away, and by leaving that is what women are doing. He wont like you taking his bullying victim away.

I hope he is going to work tomorrow, and in the meantime, find out what you would be entitled to at https://www.entitledto.co.uk. Get yourself as prepared as you can do before you leave or you get him to leave. If you are going to stay in the marital home then make sure you have the locks changed. Go to https://www.womensaid.co.uk also. They will be able to help you further.

I wish you all the best. Look after your kids!

Gale_10

Sorry just one more thing, you shouldnt have to worry about going to court, thats what you have solicitors for. There is an organization that helps women in vulnerable situations and gives out legal help, it might be on the womens aid website, I read about it recently on here, I will try and look for it in the morning, I am going to bed now! Got a four year old that likes to get up at six thirty! GULP!

Take care of you and yours,

Gale

chattycathyuk

You need to think about yourself and your kids, yes DD will miss her dad, but try explain this to her when shes older, trust me she wont take his side.

im sorry but if my husband did this to my son, i would kick his !!!, im only little but id have a good go!!! There is no way in hell he would touch or mentally hurt my child, he is my life, soul and the reason i live!!!

Maybe you and ho need to talk, without the kids, try and get this sorted out. if he wont reason, then theres not much eles you can do, but to look after yourself and your little ones.

i wouldnt worry right now about courts ect, just focus on building yourself up, to be strong and stand your ground!! As he might try to manipulates you and bring you down, so you feel like you cant do this, but you have to look at the bottom of your heart, get your power back!!!

My heart goes out to you, please dont waste your tears, use your energies to be strong.

Your kids need you more, you carried them, they lived inside you, they are you! never let anybody hurt them!!!

xxx