Should I ask OH to leave?

siren13577

nonnythemouse wrote: »

OH is very fake and believeable outside of the house. He would spin the police a tale and my and son's side would never get believed, so going to the police about this is not really an option. Practically every word he says is a lie (I've got used to it) and sometimes I believe him even when something is in black and white in front of me that he's lying (such as a phone bill phoning a girlfriend) I begin to doubt myself, he's that good at lying.

It would be interesting if he ended up in prison though as he's a prison officer!

I really feel for you, this is such a difficult situatiion. I am really intrigued by the first statement above, my Dad was a convincing person, painted himself as an outstanding parent to the world, whilst behind close doors he sexually, mentally and physically abused myself and four siblings.

I think you might find that police can cut through all this rubbish, they are trained to deal with things like this in a sensitive and business like manner and will take both sides of the story. They will always act in the best interests of the children, not your OH, I know it is a difficult decision but there is little to stop him from taking this further, he seems near the edge already and generally will not stop. If there is no challenging of his behaviour or he believes you will back down or try and talk him round he will continue.

Be strong, take a deep breath and do what is in your heart to do, I think you know the answer it's just such a big step to take but honestly you would be doing what every mother would to protect her children. I know that whilst my dad was doing these things I would have loved someone to take me away from it all.

Never feel bad about removing such a person from your childrens' lives, they are truly better off.

I hope you are okay and you can make the decision soon, you aren't alone and support is readily available to you.

ailuro2

Should you ask your OH to leave?

No, you should tell him!

Not because he asked your DS outside for a fight, but because of all the mental abuse he has dished out to you all over the past years- it is a terrible example he has set to your children!

It sounds like he has used anger and implied threats to manipulate those around him for many years. Everyone can get angry occasionally and sometimes do things they later regret, but this man simply sounds like a bully who has no remorse for his awful actions.

Your daughter may already have emotional problems (the not pooing thing) so don't you think she'd be better off without him long term?

Your son would not be forced to see him if he didn't want to, he's at an age now where he would likely have a choice.

For yourself, you need someone to give you a great big hug! not from the kids, but from another adult who can help you find yourself again.:A Well done for sticking up for your son- it sounds like he's a difficult man to argue with.:mad:

consultant31

One other small point - if your children see you allowing their Father to get away with being a bully, they may feel that it is acceptable behaviour.

It is a parent's job to love and care for their children above all things and your OH is failing in this duty. You sound like a fab Mum and your son sounds like a very loving and caring brother to his little sister.

Get rid of this man before it gets any worse, you're all worth more than being bullied and intimidated on a daily basis.

((((hugs to you all))))

kisto

ailuro2 wrote: »

Should you ask your OH to leave?

No, you should tell him!

Not because he asked your DS outside for a fight, but because of all the mental abuse he has dished out to you all over the past years- it is a terrible example he has set to your children!

It sounds like he has used anger and implied threats to manipulate those around him for many years. Everyone can get angry occasionally and sometimes do things they later regret, but this man simply sounds like a bully who has no remorse for his awful actions.

Your daughter may already have emotional problems (the not pooing thing) so don't you think she'd be better off without him long term?

Your son would not be forced to see him if he didn't want to, he's at an age now where he would likely have a choice.

For yourself, you need someone to give you a great big hug! not from the kids, but from another adult who can help you find yourself again.:A Well done for sticking up for your son- it sounds like he's a difficult man to argue with.:mad:

I completely agree with the above post.

Having read the entire thread it would seem that you have been looking to find a justification for telling your OH to leave for a long time. Domestic Violence is not just about physical abuse, but emotional and mental abuse too (which often leaves deeper scars). It took me about 18 months to reach the "lightbulb moment" to TELL my ex to leave. As it happens he refused and I had to ask the local constabulary to remove him from the property.

My DS is 11 and refused contact with his dad for 3 months. It didn't go to court, but I was reassured by my solicitor that because of his age he had the choice and the court would be unlikely to force him into contact.

Contact Womens Aid. They are very supportive and discreet. They will answer all your questions and point you in the right direction.

I'm timid and having been a SAH mum for a few years feel a bit unworldly and wouldn't stand a chance of putting my side across to protect DD from him.

You just need to be clear about what you want and be assertive. Please don't devalue yourself - you sound like a fantastic mum who simply wants the best for her children. Womens Aid and a solicitor will help you. You wouldn't be on your own.

You *have* to do what's right for YOU and your children.

Take care and (((hugs)))

Loretta

You are feeling fearful and isolated, you know what you are going to do but it is a huge step for you. Start preparing for the time you do it.

Start keeping a diary of events, not just the major ones like what he did to your son but every word and attitude, when you have it in writing it will feel more real to you and you will be able to see how often this is happening and that there is no 'normal' life.

Make plans,Speak to Women's Aid, find out from entitledto what you financial situation would be. Phone your local police station I am sure they will have a domestic violence team and ask to speak to someone to discuss what is happening without asking them to take action if you are not ready for this. You may be able to do this without giving your name. Phone the NSPCC.

At the moment you are not confident that this behaviour is wrong. These sort of men destroy your confidence and isolate you, if you have been a sahm for a while you do not have so much adult company. Women's Aid will be able to tell you that this is the norm and all part of game. At the moment you are not really aware of how awful this is and you probably think that you are the only one who is going through this but Women's Aid will have heard all this before as the usual routine. You are concerned about what has happened to your son during this one incident but you don't seem aware of the low level, day in day out threatening, manipulative behaviour that has worn you down

Good luck keep posting we are all here to help and support you

zebidee1

Your OH is well out of line. This is NOT ok. Not even for a split second could any decent parent think doing this to a 13 year old is acceptable.

Please dont keep believing you are looking out for the children's best interests by keeping your OH at home where you can keep an eye on things better. I understand why you may feel that but you simply do not understand the lasting damage that can be done to children by being brought up in a home where one or both parents have anger issues.

What will happen when your son hits 15/16 and he is doing the teenage rebellion thing? If your OH believes it's ok to do what he did just because the boy was being cheeky...what would he do for something more serious? What happens when your daughter gets older and does the short skirt and too much make up thing?

The problem isn't what your son did, it's the reaction your OH had that's the issue.

I understand how hard this must be for you, especially if you are a quiet sort yourself. Bear in mind though, nature's ways usually mean that unruly weeds will always take over delicate flowers and harmony is only ever restored when the weeds are stamped on.

( Sorry...I know that's a bit sad but it's the best I could think of to say if you are going to be a doormat, you will get walked on and so will the kids unless you stop it now.)

Please, please think seriously about this. Kids are like sponges and you dont always have to physically hit them to damage them.

If it were me, I'd talk to him seriously one last time and make him understand that his life is going to change drastically unless he changes the way he behaves. If he needs help to do that, then so be it. I wouldn't give him unlimited time to do this and would make it clear you need to see immediate signs that he's at least taking this seriously and trying.

If he cant or wont see there is a problem then as horrible and as hard as it may seem for the first wee while.......you NEED to get rid of him. Children work on an emotional basis....they dont have the tools to make good informed decisions. That's why YOU need to do what's best for them, even if it means a little upset to start with.

It's good to keep families together and I believe people should always try to do so......but when children are involved, the time limit for change should be short, otherwise who knows.....your innocent 13 year old may just end up being ASBO child of the future. They're not born you know.......they're raised.

quietheart

You don't sound at all timid to me. You have brought your children up beautifully and the fact that your son puts his sister's feelings first despite what he experienced is testament to that. You know what is the right thing to do and though your daughter will feel sadness she will no longer be at risk. You deserve the right to wake up in the morning and not be fearful. You've been given some great advice on here I hope you find the strength and courage to take some of it and start your new life.

duchy

Hi
First a hug and then some straight talking. I am NOT going to tell you what you SHOULD do-this is entirely my opinion and you will do what you do when and if the time is right for YOU and your kids.
Firstly the one place that every child should feel safe is in their own home-that to me is my number one responsibility as a parent.
Secondly you are in an abusive relationship-just because he isn't physically beating anyone up does not mean it isn't mentally abusive . Please consider talking to Women's Aid for someone to talk to about your situation. They will give you the support you need to decide what to do that is best for you and your children but they will NOT tell you what to do. Just explore your options and then help you with whatever you decide. They are completely non-judgemental and will support you in either getting him to leave or if you allow him to stay.
Finally-the fact your son thinks it is OK to bully his much younger sister (that kind of teasing IS bullying) may mean he's learning more from his father's example than you realise.
Hugs and please keep in touch on this thread.

saucy77

Glad to see I'm not alone, don't mean to jump on the wagon with you, but we have very simliar situations, although I did the stupid thing and took my DH back like a wally. Now 4 months down the line I am beginning to regret it!

I am now in the process of seeking legal advice on getting a divorce from my DH, I don't even think he deserves the D in the DH... so I'm gonna just call him IT from now on.

But what everyone else is saying, they are right.
Put the child first, your son doesn't have to see he's dad if he doesn't want to, he is old enough to make up he's mind and doesn't have to be put under any pressure to see him.
Your daugher on the other hand is a slighty different case, she really doesn't have a say. But unless you have reasonable grounds that you don't want her to (judging by what I have seen on he's treatment of your son, I would say you have). Admitedly your daughter is just 4yrs old, but how long will it be before she does something he doesn't like? What is he going to do to her?

If you ever want someone to chat to, please do send me a pm and i'll give you my msn, i know it can be hard at first, but think of the reward you will get from it all.

A seperated happy family is better than one that barely functions at all!

Kurt_Death

A 4 yr old child in nappies is more worrying than your OH's behaviour.