Mother in law problems

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I agree with elsiens comment. I know my LOL is a cow and don't expect any less from her but me and my partner don't have to put up with it. We were constantly arguing and very nearly split a few times. I didn't want to make him choose but there became a point where it go so bad that I couldn't deal with it anymore. My son was only a few months old and he was my priority. If my partner didn't want to make a decision I was going to make it for him. She still occasionally tries to meddle (like at Christmas) but I won't tolerate it now. You say he doesn't want to have to choose but he might find eventually he has no choice.

Gavin83

GlasweJen wrote: »

I have been frank with my husband, we've had explosive arguments. He's cried, begged and pleaded for me to stay. Told me it would destroy him if I left, that he realises what his mother is doing but he can't leave her alone and he can't choose. We're only married just over a year, i can't leave him in this. He's an only child and doesn't have cousins or anyone else who he can turn to.

Then it seems you've made your decision, you're willing to put up with it. If you started this topic hoping for people to tell you how to stop this behaviour, both from her and your husband the answer will be "you can't". You have to be willing to walk away otherwise nothing will happen. It'll just get worse and worse until you ultimately leave anyway.

I also think you're scared that if pushed into a "me or her" situation your husband will choose his mum. At least then the decision is made and you know where his priorities lie.

AylesburyDuck

I also agree with elsien, however i would go as far as to say.............
Leave, divorce and enjoy your life when your free.
Saw this with my Aunt and Uncle whos Mother was an absolutely jibbering narcissist and control freak, who badgered her own husband into an early death, had my uncle under her thumb always (mother first/wife second), ended up living with them and making everyones life a misery, and chasing him into an early grave in his 50's.
Your not going to charge HER or HIM ever. LEAVE for your own sanity.

chesky

How about trying couples counselling? Once he sees that an independent third party thinks that this behaviour is abnormal, he may be helped to find strategies to cope with his mother's tantrums. Is he an only child? He's obviously been brainwashed from an early age to think of her behaviour as normal. But you have to stop allowing him putting her wants above yours.

AstroTurtle

Just throw your emotions out there to him.

If he panders to you like he does his mum he'll make a change.

If he doesn't..... Then you got a problem and should leave it all behind.

Mummy2211

Oh don't we just love MIL's NOT!
I'm sorry to hear you have awful problems with yours too - I too have the same with mine, and also the brother and his wife.
We are having to sell our home because his mother has used all her life savings on Holidays, and now she skint!

My partner, dosnt stand uo to her, Let her talk about me how she wants, as do his brother, They treat my daughter like crap (not my partners daughter but has brought her up for the last 8.5 years)

They have secret meetings at the mothers house, just her boys..

She makes me out to be the bad one, when actually ive done everything for all of them - Aunty House burnt down, I was there helping them find a house to rent, got them bits and bobs to help them out, MIL and FIL have had bad health, I have been there to get them into hospital and help them out.

I have always known that my parnter is a mummys boys, as she used to clean his house, Do his washing, do his shopping, even do his xmas shopping and wrap the presents, all he did was give her the money!

Now this selling the house sistuation, Weve done nothing but argue, because i cant belive hes letting then get away with it. Had this been my family i would have been fuming and probaly cut them off and found every which way not to sell the house - But fact is my family wouldnt do such a thing, and treat my partener like one of their own, He gets treated the same as us, and gets on really well with my family, We go on holiday a couple of times a year with my family, but never in 8 years have we been away with his family - because im not invited to them!

Im sick of all of them now, and i really can not see me and my partner getting married because of them - We were due to be getting married in august this year, but we called it off last year..

Candyapple

elsien wrote: »

It's not a mother in law problem, it's a husband problem.

One more time for emphasis on what your actual issue is.

OP you have 3 choices:

1. Straight up get divorced now, don't waste a single minute more and move on with your life and find a real man and not one who hasn't cut the apron strings yet because he will never change and this is who he is and always will be.

2. Move to the total opposite end of the country, at least a 6-8 hour drive away and put up with dealing with her once a year say at Christmas.

3. Continue allowing your MIL to come between you and your OH, ruin your relationship and for your OH to basically revert to being a child again and live the remainder of your years in abject misery wishing you had got divorced within the first year.

There literally is no middle ground with interfering, controlling, old biddies. No point in couples counselling because as stated, your husband is a man child as that is how she raised him. He will forever be a mummy's boy and she will not allow anyone to take him away from her. You can't undo the core of who someone is fundamentally.

If push came to shove, he would choose her over you. Think I'm wrong? Tell him you are fed up of being in a marriage with his mum as the third party and that you will be going to the solicitors to enquire about getting a divorce in the morning. Or tell him that you will be making plans to move far away and is he on board or not? Then watch his actions, not his words.

Sad to say but your husband deceived you from the start. Why would you want to stay with a liar?

GlasweJen

I know nothings going to change. I just posted to get it off my chest I suppose.

It's all been building up, we need a new kitchen but we've done so much already I need a break before it happens and the kitchen we have is just cosmetically bad, we can live with it for another while but MIL is obviously working away in the background. So husband has booked for us to go to ikea on Sunday, then we were at hers on Tuesday for dinner (it was her birthday) and she announced that FIL "had" to come to ikea with us on Sunday and I was like why? (Still don't know why) and then it was announced that she was coming. I said no and was completely over ruled.

I now don't want to go because what happens when it's the four of us is husband sees something, I say it's not practical because X,Y or Z then MIL will over rule or call up and change the order after I leave anyway (yes this has happened in the past).

It really is getting me down. When husband has been late collecting me I have sat waiting thinking "if he's not here before the next train/boat I'm just going to get the next one back and go home to Glasgow" he's never been so late that the next one has pulled in but I have seriously been almost there when it's come to leaving. I can't go back to my parents, they've split up and their house is sold, they're moving this month. My sisters both moved away but I could get a hotel for a while until I found somewhere. I don't think I could get any sort of help to leave.

Gilead

It's an awful situation to be in, and whatever direction you decide to go in you have to stick to your guns. Also, I know it is incredibly difficult to describe the situation to people who have relatively normal relationships with parents/in-laws as they cannot comprehend the decisions you have to make.

My wife and I have cut contact with her parents for the past three years (married for two). They were very welcoming at first, but over time MIL got jealous over the amount of time we spent together and started to interfere. She would get angry and sulk when we had plans together; she relied on my wife to do everything for her and had a rigid routine each week that she would need to go shopping, chores, take her for lunch/coffee and a myriad of other things. Alarm bells were starting to go off.

(I wouldn't blame you for thinking we were teenagers - both in late twenties at the time!)

But how do you have a conversation with the person you love about how toxic their parents are? Well, you just need to try, and let them figure out how best to deal with it with your support. When we had our conversation, it was horrible and we split up for a couple of months. However, in that couple of months things got even worse for my wife as her mother put so much additional pressure on her and made her life a misery. It actually opened her eyes to what she could expect in the future if she didn't put herself first.

On getting back together, we set small boundaries on how we would deal with them. However, when the parents heard we were back together they ordered my wife to end the relationship. And I do mean 'ordered'. They said if she didn't they didn't want anything to do with her and she had to leave the family home. And that is what she did.

She arrived on my doorstep (ironically I live within walking distance) with as much of her belongings as she could leave with. We got engaged later that year, and married the following year. We are currently expecting our first bambino.

Since leaving, my wife was not allowed to return to get her belongings for around 4-5 months, when she did finally return her sister (a whole other saga) locked her in the house and physically attacked her. We set up clear boundaries for the parents - either clean up your act and take responsibility or there will be no contact whatsoever. They chose to blame everybody and the kitchen sink instead of doing so.

We didn't invite them to our wedding. We decided to write to them to tell them we were expecting so as they heard it from us rather than the grapevine, thinking we were doing the right thing. No response from the parents.

It is a hard road, but worthwhile in putting your needs first. And where children are involved, you need to provide a safe and loving home. I am afraid the in-laws don't seem capable of that.

Some context: My wife's brother was forced out of the home by the sister, who is almost the blunt instrument of the mother. She in turn had a falling out with the parents, and the mother tried to replace her with my wife.

Our course of action, while at times difficult, was the best for us. You need to figure it out with your husband and decide how to protect your family.

Money_maker

Mummy2211 wrote: »

Oh don't we just love MIL's NOT!
I'm sorry to hear you have awful problems with yours too - I too have the same with mine, and also the brother and his wife.
We are having to sell our home because his mother has used all her life savings on Holidays, and now she skint!

My partner, dosnt stand uo to her, Let her talk about me how she wants, as do his brother, They treat my daughter like crap (not my partners daughter but has brought her up for the last 8.5 years)

They have secret meetings at the mothers house, just her boys..

She makes me out to be the bad one, when actually ive done everything for all of them - Aunty House burnt down, I was there helping them find a house to rent, got them bits and bobs to help them out, MIL and FIL have had bad health, I have been there to get them into hospital and help them out.

I have always known that my parnter is a mummys boys, as she used to clean his house, Do his washing, do his shopping, even do his xmas shopping and wrap the presents, all he did was give her the money!

Now this selling the house sistuation, Weve done nothing but argue, because i cant belive hes letting then get away with it. Had this been my family i would have been fuming and probaly cut them off and found every which way not to sell the house - But fact is my family wouldnt do such a thing, and treat my partener like one of their own, He gets treated the same as us, and gets on really well with my family, We go on holiday a couple of times a year with my family, but never in 8 years have we been away with his family - because im not invited to them!

Im sick of all of them now, and i really can not see me and my partner getting married because of them - We were due to be getting married in august this year, but we called it off last year..

This is what you have to look forward to if you let this situation continue. You know he's going to pick her if it comes to it so just let him go, he doesn't treasure you as much as he does her.