Mother in law problems

GlasweJen

I am a bit more stuck than your average joe, I'm a paraplegic wheelchair user so if I left and presented myself to a homeless team they probably wouldn't be able to house me even if they wanted to. I also couldn't just rent any flat, level access isn't standard and takes time to put in place, plus it's expensive and we don't qualify for assistance though I might if I left and applied as a separated person, I'd need to leave first. I spent 5 years on GCC waiting list for a flat and never got one before.

Last night I asked him why his dad was coming to ikea and the answer was that he didn't believe the girl when she drew up our first plans, she said they had to put a 400mm gap between the hob and the oven (they'd be on the same level) well he didn't believe that and he wanted to come and basically brow beat ikea into changing their minds about it. I said that's ridiculous, if that's how it needs to be done then that's how it needs to be done let them get on with it - ikea know more about designing and fitting kitchens than your dad and if we do it against their advice and the kitchen burns down our insurers probably won't pay out! Anyway I want one of those pull out pantries in that gap so if you take out the gap where's my pantry going, well his dad thinks they're a fad..
So then I asked and what about your mum, why is she coming? Well I didn't want to leave her at home alone. I told him tough she's not coming. Oh I'm making a big thing of this, what's the harm in her coming. So I told him, when your with your parents it's like I don't exist and your whole personality changes, I don't want her there. We had a huge fight, he eventually relented and even offered to book ikea for another weekend and take me home to Glasgow to see my mum. This will probably be my last visit to the family home as it exchanges next week, everything was calm, we took the dog out a walk.

Then he said we can go back to Glasgow after we've been to ikea (I'd rather just not go now). And then later in another sentence apparently mums not coming any more so I'm not convinced that either promise is being delivered on.

He's going out tomorrow morning, I don't think I'll be home when he gets in. I don't know what I'll do but I need to do something.

itsanne

The only way I can see you managing is if you move house again, well away from the toxic MIL. With that in mind, it might be better not to make any improvements but to cut your losses and move as quickly as possible.

GlasweJen, if you stay together, please don't keep trying for a baby until a fair bit of time passes. It's not fair to bring a child into the current situation, and if things don't change and you decide that you do have to leave it will be even harder to make the break, especially given your special circumstances.

Fireflyaway

In this situation I think the only person who can take control is your husband. If you try, you will get caught in the middle and possibly give your mum in law more ammunition. She might convince your husband that you are jealous or trying to cut him off from his family.
Have a serious chat with your husband. Tell him if can't go on because it's really upsetting you, getting in the way of you being a happy couple and soon or later it's going to really hard your relationship.
I can see your husband is trying to please his mum but some parents will never be satisfied. I know my own mum loves me and wants me to be happy but she can be quite critical about us not owning a home, my lack of housework, my weight, certain aspects of how we raise our daughter etc! I smile and thank her but at the end of the day I'm nearly 40. I need to live my life the way I think is best. This really gets you down so I understand the constant chipping away is draining. It's probably no good for your husband's self esteem either.
Maybe your mum in law finds it hard to let go because up till now, managing the kids was her only job. Did she work outside the house? Have any hobbies? Maybe there is nothing to replace her job as a mum so she is hanging onto that?
Might be hard but could you spend a little time just you and her? Go for coffee? Maybe once she knows you better the hostility might stop.
All said and done your husband needs to stand up to her.

GlasweJen

Fireflyaway wrote: »

In this situation I think the only person who can take control is your husband. If you try, you will get caught in the middle and possibly give your mum in law more ammunition. She might convince your husband that you are jealous or trying to cut him off from his family.
Have a serious chat with your husband. Tell him if can't go on because it's really upsetting you, getting in the way of you being a happy couple and soon or later it's going to really hard your relationship.
I can see your husband is trying to please his mum but some parents will never be satisfied. I know my own mum loves me and wants me to be happy but she can be quite critical about us not owning a home, my lack of housework, my weight, certain aspects of how we raise our daughter etc! I smile and thank her but at the end of the day I'm nearly 40. I need to live my life the way I think is best. This really gets you down so I understand the constant chipping away is draining. It's probably no good for your husband's self esteem either.
Maybe your mum in law finds it hard to let go because up till now, managing the kids was her only job. Did she work outside the house? Have any hobbies? Maybe there is nothing to replace her job as a mum so she is hanging onto that?
Might be hard but could you spend a little time just you and her? Go for coffee? Maybe once she knows you better the hostility might stop.
All said and done your husband needs to stand up to her.

She had a career but she retired a couple of years ago and never really filled her time. She does see a few friends but she's alienating herself from some slowly but surely and others are passing away or moving to the Central belt as it's hard to live here and be old. The nearest A&E is a helicopter trip away and there's not much in the way of home carers. A lot of the people of my generation have moved away or live here part of the year only.

She doesn't like me socially, we've had coffee once and it was a disaster. We don't have anything in common and she doesn't approve of things like iPhones or women wearing trousers, eating "foreign" food, basically anything that hit the shops since 1970 is taboo. I didn't match my shoes and handbag to my outfit so I'm a complete social outcast apparently, I don't really care about shoes since I can't actually walk so I just wore normal shoes.

happyandcontented

I think she sounds like a nightmare. Given what you have said about your health and the isolation of the location I would use that to engineer a move nearer to 'civilisation'. You need to get away from the area so that distance forces your husband to stand on his own two feet again and put you first.

margaretclare

Sayschezza wrote: »

If as your name suggests you are from Glasgow then you are or should be a strong lady. Relocate,get a flat where you want to live and move. Don't tell anyone until the night before to reduce tears and tantrums. Tell your OH he is welcome to move with you or you will divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Amazes me that anyone could love that much to put up with this sort of behaviour. He obviously has no respect for you and withdrawing yourself from the situation might just be the kick up the bum he needs. And for a start don't go to Ikea. Even if she chooses the kitchen you won't be around to have to use it anyway. Grow up and take control of your life you only have one so don't waste it.

Unfortunately Jen has particular problems which make it well-nigh impossible for her to carry out this counsel of perfection. Yes, it is possible to do all this - I should know, I did it myself, within weeks of my first marriage in 1957. For a wheelchair-user to do it is something else, as Jen has explained.



Your husband has had to grow up with his mother's controlling behaviour and it is therefore extremely difficult for him to see anything unusual or odd about it.



There are ways of designing a kitchen from the health and safety point of view and also from the particular point of view of a wheelchair-user. I'm sure IKEA are well aware of this, as they have kitchen designers on site. However, they are not the only people who design kitchens. If you don't like IKEA, try Wren Kitchens.



I had to smile at MIL not liking trousers and co-ordinating bags and shoes. Women wore trousers back in the world wars. I note that a lot of the older women who go to my church wear trousers, simply because they find them easier to put on and they keep their legs warm. I'm a generation older than MIL and my one pet hate is leggings - I hate the damned things. But I don't see it as my role in life to go around telling people what they should do. If they can't look in the mirror and see what looks/doesn't look good, it's their business.



Had to smile at the iPhone - I'll be 83 in a short while and I bought an iPhone a few weeks ago. DH and I have each had a mobile phone for years and it has been a life-saver on more than one occasion. I don't even go down the garden without my phone in my pocket. And living in the sort of area you describe, even more so.



This is the sort of problem which is sooooo difficult for outsiders to give any kind of meaningful help for. I am so sorry.

gettingtheresometime

margaretclare wrote: »

There are ways of designing a kitchen from the health and safety point of view and also from the particular point of view of a wheelchair-user. I'm sure IKEA are well aware of this, as they have kitchen designers on site. However, they are not the only people who design kitchens. If you don't like IKEA, try Wren Kitchens.

EDIT - Don't touch Wren!

If there's one piece of advice I strongly disagree with it's this - I've never used them admittedly but there's enough posts on the consumer board for me to know I never will.


Perhaps GlasweJen could 'suggest' to hubby one weekend that they do see other kitchen designers - having secretly booked an appointment first. Hopefully that way PIL will be busy and can't tag along!

margaretclare

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

If there's one piece of advice I strongly disagree with it's this - I've never used them admittedly but there's enough posts on the consumer board for me to know I never will.

What is it you don't agree with - IKEA or Wren? I haven't used either of them, our kitchen was designed and fitted by Magnet. I just produced Wren as a possible alternative.

Perhaps GlasweJen could 'suggest' to hubby one weekend that they do see other kitchen designers - having secretly booked an appointment first. Hopefully that way PIL will be busy and can't tag along!

LandyAndy

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

If there's one piece of advice I strongly disagree with it's this - I've never used them admittedly but there's enough posts on the consumer board for me to know I never will.

Beat me to it!

neneromanova

By the sounds of it, You're in a wheelchair so nothing you say really matters in your MIL's mind. You're not a real woman so she needs to be the woman in your relationship to make your husband happy.



Run for the hills now!! and never look back. If she's like this with the house, what is she going to be like if you ever have kids? You will not be allowed to bring those children up your way as your way is wrong and you don't know what you're on about as you're not a full woman!


I've known these kinds of women before. They never change and don't want to change. They are perfect in their eyes.


Ask yourself what do you love about your husband. And even make a pros and cons list about staying with him in the marriage. You need to think about yourself and if you want to spend the next 20 years living like this.


There is always somewhere to go while you sort things out. I'm guessing him mum was in his ear as well about the mortgage and that's why you're not on the deeds or mortgage.