Mother in law problems

badmemory

It is easy for us to say "run for the hills" out of this. The problem will be that the longer you stay, the more you will be unable to run. You have 3 people undermining you & your personality & strength. Don't let them succeed.

Money_maker

liuhutOz wrote: »

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541?cpg=1

Have a look at this thread. Its about a MIL that goes on holiday with a couple and the woman does a bunk from the hotel! Might give you a few ideas :-)

Wow, really enjoyed reading that, good on her.

margaretclare

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Sorry Margaret - I've amended my post to clarify - it's Wren Kitchens that people seem to have a lot of problems with on the consumer board - though IKEA kitchens were recently on Watchdog themselves.

I'm sorry. I didn't know this. Our kitchen, designed and installed by Magnet, has lasted us 10+ years now. The guy who installed it also tiled the walls for us using our choice of tiles, that was separate from the actual kitchen etc.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

liuhutOz wrote: »

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541?cpg=1

Have a look at this thread. Its about a MIL that goes on holiday with a couple and the woman does a bunk from the hotel! Might give you a few ideas :-)

I have just spent a good couple of hours reading the whole thing. Did make me lol a few times.

GlasweJen

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Is this your husband's first important relationship and, if not, did the same kind of thing occur previously? Also , was he living with his parents when the two of you got together?

I'm the first real relationship but he lived independently in Glasgow when we met. The in laws hardly featured at all.

ska_lover

oh god GlasweJen this sounds a nightmare.


i haven't read the whole thread, love, just your own resonses

I really dont have any answers, but is it worth laying it on the line with your OH and MIL, as in ''if things don't change, I am leaving'' before you actually end up doing so (as it sounds as if you could).

He needs to cut the apron strings. IMO his mum sounds like shes got mental health issues but that doesnt excuse treating people like dirt and it sounds shes been ''enabled'' rather than ''helped'' for years.. with everyone pandering to her total BS...where its just become the norm (in that family) whereas you can see it as it is

Why they think its acceptable to be visiting at 9am on a weekend is beyond me and literally everything else she is doing is so out of order, she needs to know the repercussions her selfish behaviour is having and is on the verge of destroying her sons marriage, she needs to know this - to be honest i would have it out with her and your husband together because SHE is having a massive impact on your happiness and HE needs to start realising where his priorities lay. Then if he sides with her, you know your answer that it'll never change

I am not saying its going to be an easy conversation but really is essential if anything is going to change

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I suspect that you would get more help from Glasgow Council (or whatever it's called) if you turned up and presented as homeless because you are being abused - a forcible move to somewhere that is inaccessible to Ambulance for somebody who is taking powerful immunosupressant medication? An environment unsuitable for a wheelchair user? Somewhere where you are wholly dependent upon the people who have moved you to get out of the house and to work?

Rages and screaming fits? Pretending to attempt suicide?

They can't exactly leave a wheelchair user to sleep in their chair overnight in the council offices if you present there as homeless. Which legally you would be - because of this level of coercive control and abuse that conceivably endangers your health; were you to contract a chest infection, after all, it does not matter about your husband's job - you'd need to be transported by Air Ambulance. If you developed any of the conditions related to long term immunosuppresant use, you'd need to be able to get to hospital quickly and easily.


Yes, I'm laying it on a bit thick - but really, do you think that if you suddenly felt very ill and your husband and FIL were at work, would that woman do the [strike] right[/strike] normal human thing? Would anybody ignore her demands and rush to help you? If you were ill, would she throw another fit of pretending to kill herself? Even if they did, how long would it take to get you to help (especially if the Air Ambulance were already on another shout)?



I'm going to be blunt again with an analogy - if you were all in a house that was on fire and your MIL was the only one who was trapped, so you and your husband could escape easily - if she demanded that he stayed and died with her, would he stay? And if he would, would you - or would you save yourself?

You've fought damn hard to get where you are now (ie, still here). Don't let his freezing like a rabbit in the headlights in anticipation of her first screech either endanger your future health or you living a life where you aren't infantilised, overruled and routinely endangered.


You don't need 'posh' housing. You're not fussed about show or fanciness. What you need is to be safe and, quite frankly, with family dynamics like that, you're going to get that more from a ground level flat within easy independent travelling distance of an employer (you are, after all, a professional, so it won't be that difficult to get alternative employment) than you will there.


I sympathise with your sadness, but bringing a newborn into that environment sounds horrific. And it would put you in even more danger, I think - because you naturally defending your child, not tolerating it being screamed at or manipulated into choosing her above you (and I'm willing to bet there would be a big thing made out of the fact that there was a surrogate involved), could end up with you becoming the Threat that Must Be Got Rid Of (but the baby/child being kept by her, of course :cool:).

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

GlasweJen wrote: »

IThen he said we can go back to Glasgow after we've been to ikea (I'd rather just not go now). And then later in another sentence apparently mums not coming any more so I'm not convinced that either promise is being delivered on.

He's going out tomorrow morning, I don't think I'll be home when he gets in. I don't know what I'll do but I need to do something.

Oh we all know that old tactic. Dangle the carrot!! I'll take you home but only after we've done what I want. Then when you agree he will wait a couple of days before trying to work you round to letting MIL go to ikea with you. You'll agree for an easy life and because of his promise and then quicker than you can say "ikea kitchen" the promise to take you home will be withdrawn. Something will come up. Youll miss MIL for coffee Sunday morning or FIL will have to pop out and she can't be left alone so the visit home for you will have to wait for a more convenient time.

Primrose

Sounds like yiur husband never left kindergarten school the way he,s attached to his mother and dominated by her.
Either you're going to have the courage to put tiur foot down now and get some necessary essential changes made in your marriage or I would write it it off now.
From what you say it was pretty much doomed from the start. If you can,t put each other first there is little point going on with this marriage.

daisy_jean

Ah mother-in-laws - they're a special breed when it comes to their son's aren't they?!

I get along okayish with mine now, but it hasn't always been this way (and still has its rocky patches even now!).

I got together with my hub when we were 18. We were young, consumed by love and engaged within 8 months. Back then, I was rather experimental with hair colours, and dyed my hair red 2 days before meeting my future MIL for the first time. Needless to say, first impressions for her weren't favourable, despite being a perfectly fine and quiet 18yr old. We were engaged at 19, and married at 23. For that 4 years, I didn't exist in her eyes. Never invited to "family meals", not allowed to stay over (on the contrary my folks were the opposite and my OH practically lived at mine!). She never believed we would actually get married.
Then the wedding planning came. You hear of Bridezillas - we was too chilled, and literally wanted to get married - we weren't fussed about the actual wedding, and good ol' MIL seezed on this! I was expected to have OH's sisters as bridesmaids (despite having only met his older one once! She travelled a lot!). They insisted on an evening do which we didn't want, and didn't know half the people they invited. We were young though, and stupid, and went along with it for a quiet life.

After the wedding she left us alone for a few years... Odd snarky comments here and there but nothing major. Then I got pregnant and awaited it all starting over again. But luckily the OH's 17yr old sister also got pregnant at the same time - attention diverted! Whoop!

We have stood up to her a lot more since those days, and those are reflected in our somewhat uneasy at times truce. I do think it's a mums and their sons thing - they just won't let go. And the sons are happy to be mollycoddled to some extent. Fools!