Mother in law problems

GlasweJen

My mother in law has become a major headache and my husband is refusing to support me with the issues.

Prior to us getting engaged she was nice enough, I didn't really see her as we lived in the Central belt and she lived in the highlands. When we started planning the wedding she seemed overly involved in tiny things like food, favours (of all things) but I didn't realise to what extent until it all came tumbling out a year after the wedding.

Turns out she would have long (2+ hour) rants at my husband on the phone about everything we were doing wrong. She threw an absolute fit over chocolates of all things and it was all kept secret from me because OH and FIL were worried that if I knew the extent of her "personality" I'd call off the wedding (full disclosure - in hindsight I should have).

On the morning after the wedding (after MIL insisted on staying at the same hotel as us) MIL called our room and demanded OHs presence leaving me alone for 2 hours, then husband came back for 20 minutes before she summoned him again! I saw him for breakfast and 20 minutes! The issue was that she was upset because OHs side of the family left earlier than my side of the family (bearing in mind my family were more local/were staying in hotels nearby and his family had all travelled from England or the highlands and were tired from travelling). I didn't have an issue with the family but I did with her.

Then she was like a tap, drip, drip, drip; I should get a better job, husband should get a bigger house. All of her friends children have much nicer houses than ours and much better jobs and why haven't we moved house yet? I was ignoring her but she wore husband down and he sold his car (that I loved) and bought a more sensible car, then in came the GSPC then he started looking at houses (Just looking) and before I knew it an offer was in. By this point he convinced me that he really wanted to move so I got on board but every house I liked she found fault and talked OH out of it so he put an offer in on a house that I hated, it needed tonnes of work and was completely unsuitable. Too far from public transport, too far from our works, too far from civilisation, money pit in terms of needing works done but she loved it and it was right beside her!

So we got the house! I've not got rid of her since. OH has suddenly lost the ability to do anything independently, everything needs signed off by mummy dear or it can't go ahead. I wake up at the weekend and say "why don't we go for a coffee" and he's stomping about and coffee is rushed and not pleasurable at all, then it's back in the car and he's barely looking at me, we arrive back at the house and the in laws drive up behind us. "I told you my parents were coming at 2", every single weekend since January! It's at the stage where they just assume they're coming and pitch up, last Sunday it was at 9am and they interrupt "private time" then glared at me all morning as if it was my fault.

Speaking of "private time" that was only our fifth attempt this year! Mother dear has my husband so wound up he's a heart attack waiting to happen. If he dares not toe the party line she throws tantrums and makes all our lives hell for weeks until we've served some sort of punishment in her head. Her best yet is she disappeared one night, went out in her car after threatening suicide. Husband and FIL were frantic, I phoned the police as that's what sensible people do and lo and behold she was found safe and well and brought back, refused to see a doctor or go to hospital.

Husband is convinced she's suicidal and needs treated with kid gloves but it was clearly a ploy to keep control. It's tearing our marriage apart, if I wasn't so in love with OH I'd have left the crazy b!tch behind the minute I realised what she's really like.

I can't see a way out. He won't say anything to her and if it comes from me she'll orchestrate it so that he leaves me for being nasty to his mummy. I really wish I'd seen this coming but I was screened away from it all until it was too late.

Gavin83

Seems you're enabling the behaviour to be honest. Why did you agree to the purchase of a house you didn't want? Why did you agree to move so close to the in laws when you knew they'd be a problem?

You need to be frank with your husband and tell him he needs to ask his parents to back off. If he isn't prepared to do this then frankly you're enabling it again by being unwilling to leave. However by being unwilling to leave you are basically resigning yourself to a life of this as it's unlikely to change. If nothing changes you need to be prepared to walk away or you'll just reach the point where you hate your husband and no love will exist anymore.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I wish I could help but not really sure what to say. I have a nightmare mother in law as well lol. Luckily I haven't spoken to mine for a year and a half after a huge falling out. She was the same. Both my partners parents are horrible people. They treat him like dirt but he has grown up not knowing any different so used to just put up with it. They want to be the centre of attention all the time. When we got engaged we went round and I stood in the kitchen for half an hour while she told me all about her new coffee machine. When OH asked if she liked my ring she said "oh yes I forgot about that". I could reel off story after story. It all came to head when she booked a holiday for the week I was due to give birth (their first grandchild) and then had the cheek to moan when they came back a week after my son was born that we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She makes everything into a drama and lies through her teeth about things people have apparently said to her. She then tried to manipulate my partner into going round for christmas dinner and taking our son with him even though she hadn't spoken to my OH for months. She didn't think care that we might want to spend Christmas as a family she just wanted to try and put a wedge between us. Hopefully in time your partner will get fed up and finally decide what's best for the pair of you over what she wants.

marliepanda

Gavin83 wrote: »

Seems you're enabling the behaviour to be honest. Why did you agree to the purchase of a house you didn't want? Why did you agree to move so close to the in laws when you knew they'd be a problem?

You need to be frank with your husband and tell him he needs to ask his parents to back off. If he isn't prepared to do this then frankly you're enabling it again by being unwilling to leave. However by being unwilling to leave you are basically resigning yourself to a life of this as it's unlikely to change. If nothing changes you need to be prepared to walk away or you'll just reach the point where you hate your husband and no love will exist anymore.

This. Isn't there that saying 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result'

He didn't buy the house alone, you had reservations yet he (and you!) did it anyway. Why?

Stomping around and rushing your coffees to pander to his Mum? leaving you alone the morning after your were married?

I'm assuming there is a dad involved as you say FIL earlier and also then parents, so hes still about. Your partner doesnt need to be stopping her being suicidal (which seems unlikely) Shes not suicidal, shes controlling.

GlasweJen

The issues with MIL didn't come out of the woodwork until after the house purchase.

She pushed husband to buy the house as it was a bargain (it was), I refused to contribute to the mortgage as I hated it, husband made some concessions such as promising to drive me to and from the station for work (he does, always late picking me up due to stopping by the in laws), taking me home regularly to visit my family (he's went back on this, when I force it he will take me but it's like pulling teeth and he faffs about so I'm always late then he's champing at the bit to get home again so I can't relax.

I'm not on the mortgage or the deeds and we agreed I'd review this when the mortgage renews in 5 years time.

I have been frank with my husband, we've had explosive arguments. He's cried, begged and pleaded for me to stay. Told me it would destroy him if I left, that he realises what his mother is doing but he can't leave her alone and he can't choose. We're only married just over a year, i can't leave him in this. He's an only child and doesn't have cousins or anyone else who he can turn to.

Mojisola

marliepanda wrote: »

Shes not suicidal, shes controlling.

And is abusing her son and you.

Your husband will have had a lifetime of this abuse and probably doesn't recognise it as such - it's his 'normality' - but you can see it for what it is.

The advice is the same as for all abused people - either decide to live with the controlling abuser or find the courage to do something about it (and it does take courage and it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it in the long run).

In your case it's extra difficult because it might end up with you having to leave your husband in the abuser's control but, if he won't act to get away himself, you can't force him.

GlasweJen

FIL is still about, she's horrible to him too.

I think I'd still be in the dark about the extent of it had OH and I not popped in unannounced during one of her tantrums and I saw the other side of her. She's apparently always been like this and they are both terrified of her.

hazyjo

Sounds like you both need to grow a pair (Sorry!) It's the only way. Either that or try a voodoo doll! Seriously, you have to tell him you don't want it to get to a 'me or her' situation so you are trying to resolve this now once and for all.


In you shoes, I'd be moving as far away to the other end of the country as possible - and probably not telling her until it's too late to do anything about it.


This will kill your relationship if you don't get it sorted now. The more you ignore or let her get away with for an easy life, the worse it will get.

DigForVictory

Develop an illness that requires repeated hospital visits & possible overnight stays - with friends. Get husband to drive you there, accompany you & realise that he's being played by his mother & that there is an alternative universe. (You may decide to leave him safely in the dark about the medical condition. Hospitals have a lot of doors!)

Note coaxing folk out of gaslight can be fought by them as much as their abuser - its familiar to them.

Unless mummy dearest is genuinely likely to die in the next 3 years of natural causes (& nothing spite-induced), you need to get out of this situation.

elsien

It's not a mother in law problem, it's a husband problem.


If he's unable or unwilling to put some boundaries in place, there is absolutely nothing you can do. You've had the straight conversation with him about the impact of this on your relationship and the potential long term consequences, at some point he is going to have to choose. How long are you prepared to leave it?
At the moment he's all talk and no action. Maybe say that you need him to give you and your family some proper time without sulking, as a starting point. If there are no real consequences for him, then he has no incentive to start to try to disengage from her.
Can you point him at any support groups for families of narcissistic personality types?

gycraig_2

Just tell her how it is !!!8220;me and my partner are both adults we will make our own decisions in life and we will INVITE you round when we want you to come round!!!8221;

Tell your partner he!!!8217;s going to need to stand up to his mother/stop speaking to her / lose you.

I would rather be on my own than deal with all of that