Mother in law problems

seven-day-weekend

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

To me, a man who says he cant choose, has already chosen.

I agree. Not only CAN he chose, he SHOULD chose and he should chose you.

My m-I-l as like this in many ways (not as bad!). It was only when she was (once again) being vile to my husband and he said 'OK, call me when you are ready to behave decently' and left it at that, that after a couple of months she rang him and said sorry. After that she wasn't as bad as she knew she would lose him.

But he chose me and our son every time, that was never in question.

The fact that your husband hid the worst excesses of her behaviour from you until you were married is very worrying.

ahjd

The way I see it, you have 3 options, you walk away from the marriage, stay in the marriage and be controlled or you go to war with mother/husband, your choice and only you can choose it.

Walking out is short term pain but long term sanity, staying with no change is long term insanity and doing battle will be insane with some sanity at times!

As regards Ikea, I would be TELLING my husband that it will only be the two of us, and if his mother insists on being there and choosing my kitchen, I will take an axe to it once it is home, (no axe?, use anything to hand to make it unuseable) - don't care how much it costs, it will be the two of us choosing or a bunch of sticks - his choice. (and follow through, he and his mother need to know you mean business!)

Tell his mother a few (sorry a lot!) of home truths, what have you got to lose? The only way you deal with bullies is to stand up to them, most of them manage situations by people not wanting to do this, but I ask again, what have you got to lose. You don't have to argue, just keep saying no, and repeat it relentlessly, don't explain, don't get mad, just keep saying no to anything you don't like.

Her behaviour is 'normal' for her, her husband and her son accept this as normal, so when you challenge it, it will be seen as not normal (even when they know it is not nice or acceptable, it is normal as they put up with it) So you will have to be constantly at war with her, winning some battles and losing others.

So, your choice, only you can say whether the marriage is worth it and fight for it.

Personally, I would go to war, but with a time scale. If things did not improve over a certain amount of time, then I would know what my future would be like - during this time I would be doing as others have suggested, building an escape plan for 'just in case'.

Her behaviour is dreadful (and I speak as a MIL), parents who cling to their children in such a way are monsters who do untold damage to them and by default any partner they have, so I do hope that you have a full and frank discussion of all of her faults!!!!!

humptydumptybits

OP you really don't have a problem with your MIL, you have a massive problem with your husband. I would let him know that he does have to choose.

seven-day-weekend

humptydumptybits wrote: »

OP you really don't have a problem with your MIL, you have a massive problem with your husband. I would let him know that he does have to choose.

....and, there should BE no choice, it should be his wife every time!

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

ahjd wrote: »

I will take an axe to it once it is home

One way of dealing with her I suppose lol

onlyroz

I think the husband needs to choose - but this won't necessarily be something he can do quickly. Can you, perhaps, go and stay somewhere else for a few weeks? Tell him that you can't go on this way for a moment longer, and you will be in XYZ hotel or staying with friend ABC. Unless he joins you within a fortnight you will be looking for a permanent flat rental somewhere a long way from his mother.

onlyroz

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

....and, there should BE no choice, it should be his wife every time!

Agreed, but this isn't something he can decide in a moment. He needs a wake-up call and he needs to realise what he will be missing if he chooses his mother. If he's had a lifetime of indoctrination then he won't be able to make a snap decision.

Gavin83

Mummy2211 wrote: »

Oh don't we just love MIL's NOT!
I'm sorry to hear you have awful problems with yours too - I too have the same with mine, and also the brother and his wife.
We are having to sell our home because his mother has used all her life savings on Holidays, and now she skint!

I've got to ask, why are you selling your house for the MIL?

There really are some proper doormats in this thread.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I'm not stalking you (honestly) but I know you've posted elsewhere about your situation so am I right in thinking that the situation isn't as easy as most people think it is with regards kicking hubby out or leaving him (if only to give me a shock)?

There's nothing that stops someone from leaving. I'm not normally one to suggest splitting and it is obviously entirely her choice but it won't get any better. I feel her choices are either to leave now or leave in 10 years, far more angry and bitter than she is now, plus older to start again.

I genuinely don't understand what you get from this relationship, everything you've suggested sounds toxic.

MysteryMe

The MIL, the husband and the OP are all to blame here. None are in slavery with no control over their lives.

The OP has to stop acting like a doormat and enabler.

She needs to start respecting herself and realise that there really is no need for any of this to continue a minute longer.

Follow the advice in Dig for Victory's post and move out and live where you want to live at the earliest opportunity.

There is nothing the OP has said that suggests the husband is going to behave in an acceptable manner towards her so get rid of the waste of space and let him rot with his waste of space mother.

You have one shot at life, the OP is wasting it on someone who does not deserve her.

GlasweJen

It genuinely didn't show through before. When we met he was a nice guy, liked the same things as me; sports, climbing, travel, IT. We both worked in health, both were spontaneous, wanted the same things in life. If anything I was the weirdo with family issues, I went home most sundays and saw my sisters at least every week on top of that.

He called his mum every week but didn't see her much, or at least that's what I was told. Turns out he called her every day at lunch. He'd go home twice a year for a week, I'd been up once or twice and they just seemed like normal people, just a bit posh.