Child free by choice?

Cakeguts

The big problem that I see is the old saying of "you can't choose your parents." No one would have chosen my mother for a parent if they could. I have depression almost certainly caused by my childhood. She was the abuser. My highly disfunctional family had a golden child and a scapegoat child as well as an enabler (my father.) In case anyone doesn't know about the golden child/scapegoat problem it goes like this. There is one child who is perfect. They are brilliant at everthing and get praise from the parent. The scapegoat on the other hand is useless at everything and can never do anything right. I was the scapegoat. People who are scapegoats have the most terrible childhoods. Because of this the children of parents who are like this do not have a role model for parenting.

I do not have any children. It never happened. I also had premature ovarian failure. I consider that not having children was extremely lucky for the potential children. They would have got a mother with no idea of how to be a parent who then got a serious mental illness. No one would choose that!

My mother had 3 children. She was a terrible parent. I don't think she even liked children. She had them as an extension of herself. She wanted them as something for herself not because she wanted to have children for the children.

What I worry about quite a lot are the people who become obssessed with having a child at all costs. Even risking the health of the child in order to get what they want. What worries me is a totally self absorbed person having a child that could be disabled but has to be got at all cost because that is what the parent wants. The baby has no rights at all. From my own experience very self centred people do not make good parents. They don't put the children first.

There seems to be an increase at the moment of people deciding to have a child "in case they regret not having one later." Who wants to grow up in a family where they exist simply in case someone got a regret? Not because they were wanted but in case someone else got a regret. What happens if the parent regrets having the child?

Babies have no rights and no say. They don't get a choice in how they are born or if they are likely to be healthy. They also don't get the choice in whether to have treatment if they are terminally ill. Think of the recent court cases of terminally ill children.

If people don't want to have children they should be applauded for their decision. At least they have thought about it. If you don't have children the only people affected are you and your partner. If you do have children then that decision affects you and your partner and the new person who is only a baby for very very short time but could live to be 80 and is the person who has to live with that decision. It means that the decision to have children should be made for the best interests of the child not the best interests of the parent.

username12345678

I work with 2 couples who are all in their 50s and child free.

They look amazing for their age and have crammed so much in to their lives.

Makes you wonder why, beyond the reproductive urge, anyone bothers having children.

moneyistooshorttomention

Loz01 wrote: »

I'm 31 and child free and to be honest, I can see myself staying that way!!! I dont feel old enough to have a child still :rotfl: - i find it crazy when I meet people who are my age and they have a 12/13 year old, I wouldnt feel qualified. I like my niece and nephew of course but just the thought of being pregnant sightly freaks me out!!!! It seems so.... Alien the movie haha. No offence to pregnant people.

Well - I do find the 20's a rather young age to have children personally - as people have barely started on the adult sector of their life.

I'm quite serious when I say that "If I'd wanted children - then I would have had both of them in my early 30's".

In my mind - one finishes education, buys a house and is married to your partner (yes...I know some will regard that as old-fashioned:rotfl:) and generally got your Life on track/decided who you are as a person and what you want/etc before having the child or both the children.

One thing I have found, in my own experience, is just how common it is for other people to try and make your life decisions for you. If only for this reason - ie it takes a while for many of us to realise this - one needs to have enough time/"space" to be quite sure that any decision one makes is one's own (and not being pressurised into it by other people). Hence leaving a major decision like that until later as well - when you've had enough time to figure out whether it's genuinely your own decision or no.

I say this as someone in my 60's that can see that - even at my age - there are still people around that will try and pressurise me to do what they want, rather than what I want (if in a much more minor way - ie trying to tell me what hobbies I should spend my time and my money on).

Pollycat

Cakeguts wrote: »

The big problem that I see is the old saying of "you can't choose your parents." No one would have chosen my mother for a parent if they could. I have depression almost certainly caused by my childhood. She was the abuser. My highly disfunctional family had a golden child and a scapegoat child as well as an enabler (my father.) In case anyone doesn't know about the golden child/scapegoat problem it goes like this. There is one child who is perfect. They are brilliant at everthing and get praise from the parent. The scapegoat on the other hand is useless at everything and can never do anything right. I was the scapegoat. People who are scapegoats have the most terrible childhoods. Because of this the children of parents who are like this do not have a role model for parenting.

I do not have any children. It never happened. I also had premature ovarian failure. I consider that not having children was extremely lucky for the potential children. They would have got a mother with no idea of how to be a parent who then got a serious mental illness. No one would choose that!

My mother had 3 children. She was a terrible parent. I don't think she even liked children. She had them as an extension of herself. She wanted them as something for herself not because she wanted to have children for the children.

What I worry about quite a lot are the people who become obssessed with having a child at all costs. Even risking the health of the child in order to get what they want. What worries me is a totally self absorbed person having a child that could be disabled but has to be got at all cost because that is what the parent wants. The baby has no rights at all. From my own experience very self centred people do not make good parents. They don't put the children first.

There seems to be an increase at the moment of people deciding to have a child "in case they regret not having one later." Who wants to grow up in a family where they exist simply in case someone got a regret? Not because they were wanted but in case someone else got a regret. What happens if the parent regrets having the child?

Babies have no rights and no say. They don't get a choice in how they are born or if they are likely to be healthy. They also don't get the choice in whether to have treatment if they are terminally ill. Think of the recent court cases of terminally ill children.

If people don't want to have children they should be applauded for their decision. At least they have thought about it. If you don't have children the only people affected are you and your partner. If you do have children then that decision affects you and your partner and the new person who is only a baby for very very short time but could live to be 80 and is the person who has to live with that decision. It means that the decision to have children should be made for the best interests of the child not the best interests of the parent.

Do you have anything to back up the bit in bold?

It sounds like you have/had a narcissistic Mother.
Lots of threads about this.

davidwood681

Look amount of single people in their 20's who got married far too early and started having children because their friends are/think that's what they should do.

They rushed marrying the wrong person, they then rushed having a better wedding than their friends, rushed into having children after the honeymoon period and then realise it's all been done with the wrong person.

They then start their lives all over again but unfortunately you don't have the same options when you're 29 with two kids and an ex.

Wait, live your life, experience new things. There's plenty of time for the rest.

Red-Squirrel_2

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I say this as someone in my 60's that can see that - even at my age - there are still people around that will try and pressurise me to do what they want, rather than what I want (if in a much more minor way - ie trying to tell me what hobbies I should spend my time and my money on).

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Gavin83

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Well - I do find the 20's a rather young age to have children personally - as people have barely started on the adult sector of their life.

I'm quite serious when I say that "If I'd wanted children - then I would have had both of them in my early 30's".

In my mind - one finishes education, buys a house and is married to your partner (yes...I know some will regard that as old-fashioned:rotfl:) and generally got your Life on track/decided who you are as a person and what you want/etc before having the child or both the children.

I do know a girl who had kids in her mid 20's but then again she owned a house and was married before this occurred, some people know what they want young.

I personally wouldn't want to be having a kid any older than 35, I think people who have kids into their 40's are a little crazy to be honest. I used to work with a guy who had their first kid at 50, just couldn't get my head around it!

NaughtiusMaximus

Gavin83 wrote: »

I personally wouldn't want to be having a kid any older than 35, I think people who have kids into their 40's are a little crazy to be honest. I used to work with a guy who had their first kid at 50, just couldn't get my head around it!

Obviously there are exceptions but the impression I get is the majority of people who have kids in their 40s didn't plan to, the big give away is a very large age gap between said child and older siblings.

Gavin83

NaughtiusMaximus wrote: »

Obviously there are exceptions but the impression I get is the majority of people who have kids in their 40s didn't plan to, the big give away is a very large age gap between said child and older siblings.

Not necessarily. I'd assume in your example above it's more a case of them realising it's their last opportunity to have a kid. I know quite a few people who have a large gap between the oldest and youngest.

For others they don't have their first kid until their 40's. I'd imagine another common scenario is people having children, getting divorced, meeting someone else and then wanting to have children with them. I know a couple of people who had kids in their 40's for this reason.

Cinny91

I'd just be as honest with your family as you are with strangers when you're asked about kids. My Brother and his girlfriend have no desire to have kids, it's not on their radar and our family accept it just as we accept my sister wants 4 kids. My parents love us for us, and obviously never had us thinking "grandkids!"

Also don't feel guilty!! My MIL liked to layer on the grand-baby guilt trip, especially around holidays, but to be brutally honest in the last year she's seen our son 4 times. Obviously everyone is different, my parents see him every day, but she was so full on about grandkids prior to his birth that I had a special section of my maternity leave budget that would have been fuel to her house.

For your wills my sister currently has things left to my son/her niece, so that might be a route to go down if you have a good relationship with your future nieces and nephews? Or a couple my grandparents knew didn't have any children and left things to local charities, which is nice.

yellow218 wrote: »

No longer is it a nice meal and some wine/beers of an evening, its now meeting up at soft play (yikes!) with a burger and coke.

Ew, no. My son is 2 and while I love a good soft play with my mum friends I'd be mortified to suggest meeting my no-kid friends there. I'm all for accommodating kids but imho that's pretty selfish. It takes no effort to just take your kid to the park to blow off steam/build up an appetite before you go for a sit down meal. Next time you see them suggest a local pub with outdoor space / a chain place. No one needs to unnecessarily suffer soft play food.