Child free by choice?

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Gavin83 wrote: »

Out of curiosity if someone on here (or in RL) said "I'm planning on having kids in a couple of years" would you respond with "You might change your mind though"?

:rotfl::rotfl:

The older I get - the more it becomes clear that many people regard "Their Way" as "The Only Way" and probably don't even regard other peoples Way as "a different personal opinion".

It's not surprising if it happens in the child or no child scenario - as so many are convinced that "Their Way = Right and it's an Absolute Fact" in all sorts of contexts and won't even accept that theirs is one "Personal Opinion" and someone else's thoughts are another "Personal Opinion".

I guess that's the sort of mechanism that got used historically as a "gentler" way to get people to conform to a group norm - but we're a much more individualistic society in late 20th/early 21st century.

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TBagpuss wrote: »

I do think that there are a lot f societal expectations (particularly on women - I bet you get more questions on the topic than your husband does!)

Mygawd - just goes to show how deep societal conditioning goes sometimes....

But that thought honestly hadn't occurred to me - and I do see your point....and am now wondering if men do indeed get less pressurised than women by all those people who "think they can live our lives better than we do".???

Thoughts?

thriftylass

yellow218 wrote: »

However, inevitably, how we spend time with our friends and family, and some of these changes are not enjoyable. No longer is it a nice meal and some wine/beers of an evening, its now meeting up at soft play (yikes!) with a burger and coke. And our family events are now going to change when our siblings babies arrive this year. What if we don't 'fit' anymore? Family is family- they are stuck with us. But it feels like we may be drifting from our friends, which saddens me. I fully appreciate that we need to be accommodating for the children, and most of the time we enjoy the time, but we do miss the adult time, adult conversation.

Funnily enough, the parents of those children will probably think the same. Mother of two myself there are times when I hate soft play, miss adult conversation, just nipping down the pub or a late bbq and just life that doesn't centre around kids or has to accommodate them. Just being able to leave the house in the morning when I'm ready, just coming home from work and sitting down with a cuppa, not worrying about fishfingers...and the list goes on. There are the obvious standard benefits of having them but I thought I'd be honest about some side effect . We have ours all the time, no babysitters, grandparents etc to help or take them away for just one day. If I'd known that......I love them to bits and really wanted two (only child myself). But now I put it into perspective. Also my parents are ageing and I wasn't the youngest mum myself. So my kids will loose their grandparents and parents earlyish. I might not even live to see my grandkids. I'm dreading that already. I wouldn't mind being alone in old age as only once I was married with kids I really realised I miss time on my own, big time.

All I'm saying, the grass is always greener......

As long as hubby and you are on the same page, go with your instinct and it's nobody's business. (I used to hate it when we got asked: so when is it you then?)

Plus there is no guarantee that you're not alone when you're old. I moved to a different country and my parents are alone (which saddens me but that's a choice I made to have my family). Even if they'd have more then me there wouldn't have been a guarantee for that.

Pricivius

I have often been asked why I don't have children and variations upon that theme. Depending on how annoying the questioner is and how inappropriate their enquiry, I have responded with the following:


- I don't think the world needs any more of me - clearly you felt that society needed more of you and your gene pool. This has hit at the ego of several questioners as to why they felt fit to bring their mini-me's into this world.
- I find living in this world difficult, filled with the lowest of lows, struggles and deep sadness. I would not want to inflict that on anyone else and watch them battling through life, knowing I was responsible.
- Why do people have children? I've thought long and hard about my decision - a lot longer and harder than most people think before having any.


I was listening to a radio show the other day where they were talking about there being three votes for every person - the mother, the father and the child. If they all had a say (obviously retrospectively) and could be entirely honest about the impact on their lives, how would they vote as to whether the child should be born? I know that I would not exist if the majority vote ruled. It was an interesting discussion.

Firetastic

Well I've not read all this thread but I do agree with the poster that said it is a big commitment. Having children is a big financial and emotional commitment which you can't just say I'm not doing it anymore.

I don't want children and I don't see that changing in the forseeable future. I don't mind other people's children but to have to do it full time wouldn't be for me. I'm not a maternal woman and have known I don't want children for years.

NaughtiusMaximus

Me and my partner are also child free by choice and are in our early 40s now.

In my case I've known for as long as I can remember that I've never wanted kids. I've never really felt any connection to children, I don't dislike them, I'm just indifferent. Even as a child myself I always preferred the company of adults.

It wasn't until I hit 30 that family members stopped saying 'you'll change your mind when your older'.

katiekittykat

I am child free and have even been sterilized.

I am 34 (35 in March)

I have never wanted children, I also had a virus that attacked by spinal cord which means that it is in fact very dangerous for me to even carry a child.

I had to fight to be sterilized... seems like you have to justify why you don't want children to people ( very rude question to ask I feel anyway) but people never ask someone .. oh why do you want kids.

The amount of times I have been told I will change my mind is a joke.

catkins

I think it is very unfair of your parents to try and pressure you into having children. No one in this day and age should be having children because someone else wants them to.

My siblings had children so my parents are grandparents but I know they would have been fine if none of us had any. I am the oldest and when me and DH told them we were not having any and DH was getting a vasectomy they were totally supportive. They didn't know then that my siblings would marry and have children.

DH's sibling does not have children so his parents have no grandchildren.
They have never once mentioned it.

One of my nieces is getting lots of grief from her husband's mother about the fact she doesn't want children and it makes me angry. She is adamant she doesn't want children but she should have them because her MIL want to be a granny! So selfish and stupid.

A poster wondered if men got less grief about remaining childfree than woman. I would say they definitely do. I lost count of how many rude, ignorant comments were made to me about not having children and yet my husband never had any comments made to him

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katiekittykat wrote: »

I am child free and have even been sterilized.

I am 34 (35 in March)

I have never wanted children, I also had a virus that attacked by spinal cord which means that it is in fact very dangerous for me to even carry a child.

I had to fight to be sterilized... seems like you have to justify why you don't want children to people ( very rude question to ask I feel anyway) but people never ask someone .. oh why do you want kids.

The amount of times I have been told I will change my mind is a joke.

You've got an obvious answer in your position - and I would be very tempted to go "Okay - you think I should have children - well I've got that spinal cord problem. So are you saying you will volunteer to be a surrogate for me then? Thought not....:cool:"

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catkins wrote: »

A poster wondered if men got less grief about remaining childfree than woman. I would say they definitely do. I lost count of how many rude, ignorant comments were made to me about not having children and yet my husband never had any comments made to him

Well there's another answer to intrusive/pushy questions then:

"Right - have you asked my husband that question as well - or are you just asking me and, if so, please explain why you are not also asking the man in this couple?:cool:".

I bet the vast majority of people would just squirm at that point. If they didn't - they'd get a follow-up remark of "You SEXIST. Had you realised it's the 21st century - or should I bring out a calendar to prove it?:cool::)"