Child free by choice?

Kynthia

Not everyone has a deep yearning for children that overides anything else. My partner and I were never ready but once we got to the age where a decision couldn't be put off any more we gave it serious thought. It's difficult as it's easy to imagine some of the difficulties and hardships when choosing to have children; labour, the exhaustion, the financial cost, the loss of freedom and socialising and luxury holidays, etc. There's also the risk of heartache, of loss, or of having a child that requires a lifetime of support. The love for children you are raising, the joy they bring, how funny they are and how you celebrate their every achievement is harder to imagine.

We decided to have children and now have two gorgeous girls. I adore them and talk about them to everyone. No-one could doubt my love for them, as not being sure whether to have children or not isn't related to how much you love them when they're here. However it's the hardest thing ever, and a massive change in lifestyle and finances. I can still see the appeal in being child-free and see the great lifestyle some child-free people have.

So don't think the fact you haven't got a burning desire for them now rules you out completely. However that doesn't mean it's okay for people to pressurise you be intrusive or say you'll change your mind if you decide not to have them. You need to live your life for you, and if people ask an intrusive question then respond saying that it's personal or the question is intrusive.

seven-day-weekend

catkins wrote: »

Me and DH decided not to have children. We had many many discussions about it and decided, for various reasons, not to have any.

That was almost 40 years ago. I can honestly say neither of us have ever regretted our decision. We both like children and have looked after our nieces and nephews even having them for weekends and, occasionally, taking them on holiday. We were always glad though to give them back!

We know quite a few childfree by choice couples and not one of them has ever said they regret their decision. On the other hand, quite a few of our friends with children have said they would choose not to have any if they could go back in time. I think better to regret not having children than regret having them.

Now in my 60's I do sometimes worry about being alone if DH dies before me but I am a worrier so would probably still worry if I had children. Also, obviously, you should not have children to look after you in old age. It can be of course that you fall out with your children anyway or they move abroad or even die before you. My elderly neighbour had 4 children but they are all dead.

If you are a worrier and have children, then you worry about your children, no matter how old they are.

boliston

I think it helps if you have siblings without children - my sisters are both about 50 and have never really had any interest in children and neither have i - my OH says her 4 cats are her children. Also i doubt i would ever be able to afford children - I only have a small flat and never really spend much money - having kids often means buying a house and often necessitates buying a car, both expensive things things i could simply not afford - you then have to spend a lot of money on extra food and other expensive things kids seem to expect. I don't really know anyone with kids apart from some people at work.

bugslet

I'm 53, never wanted them, never had them, never regretted the decision for a nanosecond.

Slinky

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Wow, what a really horrible guilt trip to lay on you. I don't think I could truly forgive that, even if I could learn to live with it. I think I'd have had to ask, if grandchildren were so important why did they not have loads of kids to improve their odds?

Exactly what I thought when I read it.

Gavin83

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Wow, what a really horrible guilt trip to lay on you. I don't think I could truly forgive that, even if I could learn to live with it. I think I'd have had to ask, if grandchildren were so important why did they not have loads of kids to improve their odds?

They couldn't have anymore children otherwise they would have done.

I'm thick skinned, it didn't really bother me and would take a lot more than that to upset me. However it's not a particularly nice thing to say but it wouldn't influence me anyway, I'm not having kids for someone else.

skint_chick

I don't think you should worry about it - if you do change your mind there's still plenty of time to have kids. If you don't then that's also fine - out of my group of close friends from school we're about 60/40% having/not having kids. Some of my friends with kids have a really tough time - severe ASD, child with cancer, really tough financial situation, one parent working abroad. Having kids has to be something you're sure you want as it's a bigger commitment than marriage or home ownership. If people ask why you don't have kids then it's perfectly fine to say ' actually that's a personal matter that I'd rather not discuss' and then ask them about their child/life/the weather.

A lot more people these days aren't having kids, and you can always babysit for your friends and be a godmother if you decide it's not for you.

surveyqueenuk

FBaby wrote: »

It shouldn't be therapeutic. The only conclusion to reach is that neither you and your DH want children NOW..

You are 'only' 30. I know a number of women who at 30 knew for sure they didn't want children, and then changed their mind, my sister and very close friend being two of them. They had in common that they enjoyed their freedom, partying, being selfish in addition to not feeling any maternal feelings. For both of them, babies were dirty little things who did things they didn't want to come in contact with. They were not really cute.
.

Really rather patronising. Would you tell OP that she might change her mind about HAVING children? Would you say "Oh my friend wanted them too but then she changed her mind when she got older"?

If 30 is old enough to decide that you want kids then why isn't it old enough to decide you don't want them?

MoneysavingmadGem

Well I can honestly say iv been and still in your boat!! I had a career which meant long hours away from home each day until I was 29 so decided it wasn't appropriate. Turned 30 last year and started to think about it, but only because my brother and then brother inlaw have had 2 littleones. Them being 25! So like u iv had pressure from my mum and mother in law about it which even though I like to please everyone I did have the courage to say im not maternal and actually like my life as it is.

Who knows what I may think in a few years time but I do know that the time I spend contemplating and worrying about right and wrong timings is time I am not enjoying myself

At the moment I enjoy having nephews / nieces over but I also like handing them back! I dont do well with baby babies but love them from 18 months on!

I did think it might change my mind when my best friend has one but sadly she was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to have hysterectomy this year. So obviously big discussions with her, she feels same as me but like we said in the future you coul always adopt/ foster.

Think our age group spends too much.time planning rather than just enjoying life!

Pollycat

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Really rather patronising. Would you tell OP that she might change her mind about HAVING children? Would you say "Oh my friend wanted them too but then she changed her mind when she got older"?

If 30 is old enough to decide that you want kids then why isn't it old enough to decide you don't want them?

Because some people think their way is the only way.