Child free by choice?

yellow218

Hubby and I both turn 30 this year and this seems to be timely for our decision re babies.

Out of all our close friends and siblings, we are the only couple without children or not pregnant. The question of parenthood has been on my hubby and my mind for a while, do we or don’t we want children? When we got married 7 years ago we both assumed children would be in our future, it’s the ‘normal’ thing to do. But as time has gone on it’s never felt right. And to be honest I feel weird. It feels very unnatural, un-womanly even, to be giving it thought, and even weirder to be coming up with the conclusion of ‘probably not’. It seems to us that most people don’t need to think about it. It’s not a decison to make- of course they want children. Some have given timing some consideration- when to have children. Others just start trying asap once a ring is on their finger.

One friend of mine said to me that if we were having to think about it, then perhaps that’s telling us something, that we don’t want children because if we did we would just know.


I know this isn’t really a money saving topic, but I though you friendly lot may help give some unbiased advice please. I know there’s a range of people,ages, back grounds on here so hoping to hear people’s views on choosing to be child free.
Although I’m 95% sure we don’t want children, there are two things in particular that I’m struggling to shake. 1) will we regret it whenn we are 40,50,60 etc etc 2) how do we respond to the friends and family that keep asking us when we are going to have children (it’s getting annoying and making me feel guilty).

Thanks in advance.

starting_again_in_the_sun

I think being child free by choice is becoming increasingly popular. You certainly shouldn't have children because it's the 'thing to do'. I used to want 5 kids...Now I'm pretty sure we'll stick to the one we have .

My opinions on your questions;
1. You may regret it, but at the moment you have time to change your mind. You could live to regret any decision you take in life and personally I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them!

2. Tell them to mind their own business! I find it amazing that people think it's OK to ask these questions - for all they know you could have been struggling to conceive for years.

I hope that you both make a decision that works for you.

just_trying

I would say 40 isn't to old to have your first anyway, everyone is different. You may change your mind, why not tell them the truth, we enjoy our time together and we're not trying, though it's got nothing to do with them.

hazyjo

Several of my friends are child free through choice. Me too, although it wasn't through choice, it was just never the right time. I've had no desire to have kids with my BF though and we've been together for 6-ish years - we look after each other which sometimes feels like we're each looking after kids lol.

A couple of friends had kids in their early 40s so I think you have years to decide yet providing you're in good health and presuming you don't have any probs conceiving - it obviously gets harder the older you get.

chesky

You are very lucky that you both seem to be approaching the issue TOGETHER and from a similar point of view. It is nobodys business but yours but you will probably have to get used to people having an opinion on your decision.

However, if your friends have any sense about them, they will be lining you up as potential god parents for their children - nothing so useful as a godmother with no kids of her own.

custardy

All my 'heavy with disposable income' friends are child free
I never planned to have kids,love my boy to bits and never regret having him. However my life plans were never centred around having kids.

seven-day-weekend

I think whatever you decide, do it together and your decision is no-one else's business.

We had one child when I was 30. (Many years ago now!). We'd been married over nine years. He was planned; however for most of that time we were happily child-free by choice and had we have found we couldn't have children we'd have just got on with our lives without.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

Marvel1

35, never wanted wanted children and still don't.

I love my nephews, spending time with them, taking then out, but full time no thank you.

As for question 2, just say children are not for us, that question is very cheeky anyway.

alba7

People asking "When are you having kids?" are intrusive and presumptuous!

I have no children - by choice, as I have a genetic neurological condition and I don't want any risk of passing it on - but it is irritating to be looked at as if I'm unnatural or to be pitied.

You don't owe anyone explanations for your choices. You still have time if you decide to change your mind but nobody else should try to change it for you.

Sea_Shell

Child free here too. No, never regretted it. However, it does sometimes cross my mind that i'm going to end up on my own, old with no-one "close" to visit or even to have as my POA if I get to that stage (DH is older than me, and statistically I might out-live him by a few years)

However, just having someone to care for you in your old age shouldn't be a reason to have Children.

Our N&N's will be off making their own lives, and won't want the hassle of dealing with a Dotty old Aunt.

I too find it quite 'intrusive' when people ask about children.
It usually starts with the casual "do you have kids?"
Me: No.
Them: Oh...why not?
Me: (((( mind your own business )))) in my head. Like others have said, it could be ANY reason from not wanting them, or trying for years unsuccessfully.

catkins

Me and DH decided not to have children. We had many many discussions about it and decided, for various reasons, not to have any.

That was almost 40 years ago. I can honestly say neither of us have ever regretted our decision. We both like children and have looked after our nieces and nephews even having them for weekends and, occasionally, taking them on holiday. We were always glad though to give them back!

We know quite a few childfree by choice couples and not one of them has ever said they regret their decision. On the other hand, quite a few of our friends with children have said they would choose not to have any if they could go back in time. I think better to regret not having children than regret having them.

Now in my 60's I do sometimes worry about being alone if DH dies before me but I am a worrier so would probably still worry if I had children. Also, obviously, you should not have children to look after you in old age. It can be of course that you fall out with your children anyway or they move abroad or even die before you. My elderly neighbour had 4 children but they are all dead.