Child free by choice?

Detroit

Why do you want children?

Not a question I'm asking you to answer here, but one for yourself and partner to reflect on.

Rather than seeing children as the default and wondering if you're wrong not to want them, maybe see your current circumstances as the 'norm' and ask yourselves what would be the benefit of changing them.

I don't share your friends' view that if you have to ask you're not ready. This is just a cliche. Having children is a huge decision, and questioning it is both natural and responsible. It doesn't mean you shouldn't, or that you should.

Put all else aside other than your own and your partners wishes. What are your compelling reasons for wanting children? In what ways will your lives change for the better?

The ease with which you answer should give you an indication of what you both want.

As for regrets, there are so many possible paths in life, and we can't go down them all. Every choice we make involves bypassing other options, and its natural to wonder what if...? whatever our decisions.

moneyistooshorttomention

yellow218 wrote: »

One friend of mine said to me that if we were having to think about it, then perhaps that!!!8217;s telling us something, that we don!!!8217;t want children because if we did we would just know.


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I'd agree with this friend. You wouldn't be wondering "whether" if you really wanted them.

To me it sounds like you are wondering this because your peer group all have them and they are putting pressure on you.

Just because your relatives/immediate friends all have them doesnt mean you have to do so as well. If you had a different peer group (eg more career-oriented perhaps?) then the norm might be rather different. Don't go and automatically fall in with the norms of this particular peer group you have around you at the moment.

I never had the slightest wish for children and was fortunate not to have much pressure put on me (ie because I've always been single) and in my peer group it is very much regarded as a "matter of personal choice" and quite a few don't. I've now reached my 60's and have no regrets whatsoever about not having them. I was totally right that it would be the wrong thing for me personally to do.

I look back now and think "Thank goodness that:
- I've had no sleepless nights looking after them
- I've not gone through pregnancy or childbirth
- My body hasn't been affected by pregnancy or childbirth (both of which can and do permanently worsen many womens bodies)"

Don't let them pressure you to do so - just because they have.

Thinking of some recent pressure that has been/is being applied to me currently (in a very different direction) - I've come to the conclusion that those doing the pressurising often know very well that they are "pressuring" and, whether they do or don't know that that is what they are doing, the pressuring is designed to undermine your self-confidence and manoeuvre you into doing what suits THEM (it's certainly not for your welfare). Don't let your confidence in your own judgement (ie that it's not the right thing for you) get undermined. They are not entitled to make YOUR decisions about YOUR life for you.

Pollycat

I was child-free by choice many years ago when that was considered distinctly odd.
My choice (shared by then-husband and also by new partner) and nobody else's business.
Do what suits suits you.
Personally, it's a decision I've never regretted.

System

I had my children at 21 23 and 26 and was one of those annoying people asking all those childless couples when they were having kids so they could join me in my stress, pain and madness!!!

Now I'm 30, kids are getting easier and lifes settling down a bit and I completely understand why people don't want to go through all that. Yes having kids adds a lot to your life but it also takes a lot away. Mainly your freedom, sleep and money.

If I put a pound in a pot everytime i said ill be free when I'm 43 id be rich!

Detroit

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Child free here too. No, never regretted it. However, it does sometimes cross my mind that i'm going to end up on my own, old with no-one "close" to visit or even to have as my POA if I get to that stage (DH is older than me, and statistically I might out-live him by a few years)

However, just having someone to care for you in your old age shouldn't be a reason to have Children.

Our N&N's will be off making their own lives, and won't want the hassle of dealing with a Dotty old Aunt.

I too find it quite 'intrusive' when people ask about children.
It usually starts with the casual "do you have kids?"
Me: No.
Them: Oh...why not?
Me: (((( mind your own business )))) in my head. Like others have said, it could be ANY reason from not wanting them, or trying for years unsuccessfully.

Are you never tempted to reply 'Oh, so you have children? Why is that?'

Pollycat

Detroit wrote: »

Are you never tempted to reply 'Oh, so you have children? Why is that?'

Or better still reply with:
"I desperately wanted children but after many tests, I found out I was infertile. It has destroyed my life".
Then rush off to the toilet in tears.

That should make them feel as crass and awkward as they deserve to feel by asking such a personal and impertinent question.

yellow218

Thanks everyone for comments so far.

And most of you have hit the nail on the head. And its answers your question Detroit. What reasons do we have for wanting kids? My immediate thought was 1) so we don't regret not having kids and 2)to fit the norm/ enjoy the way things are changing with friends and family. 3) to not be lonely in later life (we have a small group of close friends, but spend alot of time with our parents and siblings. Sadly parents wont be around forever, and siblings will have their own lives.)
But none of these seem to override the fact that we just dont have the 'urge' and we enjoy our lifestyle (good food and drink, motorbikes, nice cars, travelling(a mixture of back packing, luxury, skiing, motorbike tours).

We love spending time with family and friends, and enjoy spending time with their children (in small chunks). Both our siblings are expecting their first babies this year, and we are both really excited about become auntie and uncle, but its still not giving us any procreation urges.

However, inevitably, how we spend time with our friends and family, and some of these changes are not enjoyable. No longer is it a nice meal and some wine/beers of an evening, its now meeting up at soft play (yikes!) with a burger and coke. And our family events are now going to change when our siblings babies arrive this year. What if we don't 'fit' anymore? Family is family- they are stuck with us. But it feels like we may be drifting from our friends, which saddens me. I fully appreciate that we need to be accommodating for the children, and most of the time we enjoy the time, but we do miss the adult time, adult conversation.

As rude as it is, people do ask. With strangers it seems more acceptable when they ask, and its easier to give them an honest answer of 'we are on the fence' or more recently 'we don't think parenthood is for us'. But when family ask it is so difficult. A rather tipsy mother in law was recently in tears asking me why we hadn't given her grandchildren yet and said that was the reason they moved back (they used to live a good 5 hours away but moved back four months after we got married)!!!

We usually just laugh it off and say 'not yet', but deep down i really just want to tell them how we feel, but i'm scared to. One, if we say we don't want kids now, but in 10 years change our minds we will look daft (although im not sure i want to be 50 with a 10 year old) but two (and most importantly), i feel guilty. In addition to the crying mother in law, my mum has already said to me (and i quote) 'your dad will be very disappointed if you don't have children'. Although this makes me think that she must know it's on our minds, the comment hurt. She knows that i adore my dad and would hate to disappoint him with anything, but that being said i don't think that's a good enough reason to have children.

Writing this feels very therapeutic. Its making it much clearer that we do know we don't want children, but are struggling with the pressure and the fear of regret. I guess it's something we just have to put up with.

From a more MSE perspective. Those without children, what did you put in your wills?

Thanks for listening and sharing- very much appreciated.

ManofLeisure_2

yellow218 wrote: »

Hubby and I both turn 30 this year and this seems to be timely for our decision re babies.



30 is no age at all and the way you feel at this point in time, well may change. Enjoy what you have now and let life take it's course .

moneyistooshorttomention

Detroit wrote: »

Are you never tempted to reply 'Oh, so you have children? Why is that?'

Ooooooh....:rotfl:

Please do - and report back what the response is...:rotfl:

If I'd been married/in their eyes "should have done so" - then I certainly would have made that response to their pressurising/thoughtlessness (delete as applicable).

EDIT; I don't see Wills as a big deal. Obviously a couple will make it out to leave everything to each other first and foremost. As a single person - I've just left mine to a charity of my choice (and the main reason for that is in order to have somewhere specific it's going to - as my brother would be after it otherwise and I don't want him having it).

As for those comments from parents/in laws - mygawd = words fail me at just how selfish they were to make those comments. Well their selfishness is THEIR problem - don't let it be yours. They don't have your welfare/happiness at heart to make those comments I'm afraid. I was fortunate that my mother didn't expect me to want children - as she hadnt wanted any and nor had her mother. My father does like children - he likes them far too much to feel very happy at the thought of someone bringing them up that didnt want any....and so he never said a word either.

yellow218

ManofLeisure wrote: »

yellow218 wrote: »

Hubby and I both turn 30 this year and this seems to be timely for our decision re babies.



30 is no age at all and the way you feel at this point in time, well may change. Enjoy what you have now and let life take it's course .

Thank you. As much as i agree, Biology doesn't. Yes people do have babies in their 30s and 40s. But its not always easy. I know of a fair few people my own age who already 'left it too late' and required rounds of IVF. If we are to have children I'd prefer to do it now, whilst its (probably) easier to conceive naturally without all the heart break of miscarriages and infertility.

However, given that I'm umming and ahhing about being a mum at all, the thought of still having dependent children when I'm 50/60 scares the bejesus out of me!