Child free by choice?

LilElvis

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I'd agree with this friend. You wouldn't be wondering "whether" if you really wanted them.

And I would totally disagree. To have a child is one of the most significant decisions a person can make, and one which cannot be changed once a child is in your life. It took me many years to decide that I was ready to become a parent,that I wasn't basing my decision on societal pressures/ fear of regrets when it was too late, that I wanted to have that child with my partner and that he would be as committed as me. Even then I was not 100% sure - that only came the day I had my first miscarriage and my heart broke for the life that had been lost. It took us 5 years until we finally had our daughter, when I was 43, after further losses, £25k spent on IVF and much soul-searching as we grappled with the decision to accept the gift of donor eggs. And though many women do conceive easily in their late 30s and early 40s there are also many, like me, who learn the hard way that emotionally and financially draining medical treatment is the only way that they will have a child. When people tell you that your biological clock is ticking it isn't just a trite phrase - it's very real and puts additional pressure on women to make the biggest decision of their lives.

BucksLady

yellow218 wrote: »

ManofLeisure wrote: »

Thank you. As much as i agree, Biology doesn't. Yes people do have babies in their 30s and 40s. But its not always easy. I know of a fair few people my own age who already 'left it too late' and required rounds of IVF.


Many of those ladies would have required treatment whether they were 25 or 35. Fertility issues aren't always an 'age' issue.




















O

LilElvis

BucksLady wrote: »

Many of those ladies would have required treatment whether they were 25 or 35. Fertility issues aren't always an 'age' issue.

Whilst this is true it is also a fact that fertility issues combined with age will further lessen the chances of success with IVF - the percentage of live births is already much lower than many would expect.

FBaby

Writing this feels very therapeutic. Its making it much clearer that we do know we don't want children, but are struggling with the pressure and the fear of regret. I guess it's something we just have to put up with

It shouldn't be therapeutic. The only conclusion to reach is that neither you and your DH want children NOW and what you should be massively grateful for is that you are both on the same wavelength on that matter because the worse thing is when one suddenly want a child and the other knows for sure they don't.

You are 'only' 30. I know a number of women who at 30 knew for sure they didn't want children, and then changed their mind, my sister and very close friend being two of them. They had in common that they enjoyed their freedom, partying, being selfish in addition to not feeling any maternal feelings. For both of them, babies were dirty little things who did things they didn't want to come in contact with. They were not really cute.

My sister got the sudden click at 34 when her best friend became a mum. This came at a time she started to get a bit bored of all the things she got to do being free and spending time around her friend and baby. She was pregnant the year after and although she did find motherhood very hard at first, she is now very close to her son and couldn't imagine life without him. My best friend was clear that she could never see herself a mum, even though she was brilliant with my kids, until she turned 38, and suddenly it became a what if. She decided to let nature decide for her. She got pregnant the month after coming off the pill and took on motherhood immediately. She turned from a free spirit to mother earth who won't do a thing without her daughter!

So don't ask yourself too many questions and when people ask, just say it as it is, not for you right now, maybe will do one day, maybe won't. What matters is that you always discuss it with your DH so that you know where each other stand and consider matters if one were to starting having different thoughts.

ska_lover

yellow218 wrote: »

Although I!!!8217;m 95% sure we don!!!8217;t want children, there are two things in particular that I!!!8217;m struggling to shake. 1) will we regret it whenn we are 40,50,60 etc etc 2) how do we respond to the friends and family that keep asking us when we are going to have children (it!!!8217;s getting annoying and making me feel guilty).

Thanks in advance.

1) no you wont regret it. you are 95% sure, that is a pretty high percentage - bringing a child into the world based on a 5% possibility that you may change your mind would be a bad move as is obvious that you know.

When other people in their middle age are stressing their heads to bits about their young offspring, funding Uni places,or helping their young adult offspring to become independent, i see a future of cocktails round the pool for you. i mean have a kid late in life and your life is never your own again. Even when they are young adults there is a lot of worry and stress goes with it - being a parent literally never ends - even more so these days as young adults are taking longer to leave home and ''launch'' - its perfectly normal for people to live at home until they are mid 20s/30s and beyond - heading into their parents retirement (but thats another thread altogether)

BTW I am not 'doing down' any older mothers, in the same light, that choice takes courage - im just pointing out the Pros of the Ops choice and why a more relaxed and ''selfish'' lifestyle would be envied (by me at least!)

2) How do you respond? Tell them your choices - and then stop talking about it. You dont have to explain the ins and outs unless you want to. You are braver than you think - hell I would go as far as to say that i bet there are women out there that wish they had your guts and courage to admit they don't WANT to go down the expected route rather than going ahead anyway.

Hold your head high. Tell them your choice. They don't have to agree and you dont have to explain. Then they will stop asking. And if they don't tell them to !!!!!!!

Having kids isn't for everyone and you dont need to feel you are going against the grain or feel guilty for it at all. Nothing is certain these days and this is a more common choice these days.

I admire your courage and the fact you have put so much thought into all this

Gavin83

yellow218 wrote: »

One friend of mine said to me that if we were having to think about it, then perhaps that’s telling us something, that we don’t want children because if we did we would just know.

I agree with this. I don't think wanting children is a logical decision like buying a new car or moving house because if it was no one would have them. I think its a very deep desire that overrides everything else that you either do or don't have, I guess it’s what people call ‘feeling broody’. It’s a unique decision in life. You either want children or you don’t, there really isn’t much to think about.

LilElvis, despite disagreeing with this you’ve somewhat backed it up in your post. There’s no way you’d have gone through the significant cost and mental trauma if it wasn’t something you deeply desired.

My only real advice is to be sure in what you’re doing. I know people who didn’t want children who stuck to it and are happy with the deicision. Similarly I knew people who really wanted kids who love being parents. I also know people who didn’t want kids, had them anyway and now deeply regret their decision. In one case it made her mentally ill, she’s having therapy and on regular occasions states how much she hates her child. That really isn’t good for anyone involved.

chesky wrote: »

However, if your friends have any sense about them, they will be lining you up as potential god parents for their children - nothing so useful as a godmother with no kids of her own.

Why? I always thought a godparents role was to look after the child should something happen to the parents. Surely someone who doesn’t want kids is the worst choice for this?

yellow218 wrote: »

A rather tipsy mother in law was recently in tears asking me why we hadn't given her grandchildren yet and said that was the reason they moved back (they used to live a good 5 hours away but moved back four months after we got married)!!!

We usually just laugh it off and say 'not yet', but deep down i really just want to tell them how we feel, but i'm scared to. One, if we say we don't want kids now, but in 10 years change our minds we will look daft (although im not sure i want to be 50 with a 10 year old) but two (and most importantly), i feel guilty. In addition to the crying mother in law, my mum has already said to me (and i quote) 'your dad will be very disappointed if you don't have children'. Although this makes me think that she must know it's on our minds, the comment hurt. She knows that i adore my dad and would hate to disappoint him with anything, but that being said i don't think that's a good enough reason to have children.

The longer you drag this out the harder it’ll be. I had parents who told me the one thing they want in life above anything else is to be grandparents and I’m an only child. I told them quite clearly we weren’t having any and while it was hard at first they never mention it anymore.

It’s not your fault your in laws moved for an event which they had no right to assume would happen. Don’t let them, or your own parents guilt trip you.

KxMx

Personally I would ignore the In Laws/ Parents.

You mention "both our siblings are expecting" so presumably both sets of parents will be made grandparents shortly.

It's greedy of them to expect every child to give them grandchildren, my Mum has none and is not likely to in the future, either. She is not alone in not having any grandchildren.

Maybe if you realise how unreasonable they are being you will feel better about your choice (currently) not to have any.

(If I've got it wrong and only one set are going to have grandchildren soon then that still makes the one set unreasonable)

Slinky

Wow, all I can say is yellow you're getting a huge amount of horrible pressure from your parents and in-laws. How dare they assume and put pressure on you. You didn't ask your inlaws to move close to you, presumably they didn't say that was the only reason they wanted to move closer to you.

In this day and age when you have a choice, it should be your choice, not down to pressure from expectant grandparents.

I had friends who kept telling me I'd want kids once I met the right person. When I finally met the right person in my late 30s I told him I didn't want children very early on, and he was fine with that. Now in our 50s my friends have accepted that I knew my own mind. Most of our friends (entirely by coincidence) are also childfree.

lika_86

I have never wanted children. I'm 31 now but even way back when I was a teenager, when I imagined my life in the future I just never pictured children. Nothing has changed since then and I know I don't want children. Luckily my boyfriend supports that decision (otherwise we wouldn't be together).

Even if I had a doubt about that decision I know that it would be overridden by logic. I don't want children enough to do everything you have to do to have one. They fundamentally bore me and I can't imagine anything worse than having to go along to swimming lessons so the little darlings don't drown or play peekaboo over and over again or nag them about homework. I like sleep and get grumpy when I don't get a lot of it. I would be a horrible person if I had a child and I have no doubt that my relationship with my boyfriend would not survive, especially if I had to give up the things I enjoy for a child (sleep, quiet time, nice holidays, eating out, my freedom to go for a spontaneous drink after work etc).

And all that's if everything is unproblematic. It's easy to assume that childbirth will go well and that the baby won't have any problems but childbirth is still one of the riskiest things a woman can do. The question is, if you're ambivalent about having a child in any event, could you and your husband deal with having a child with disabilities or a significant impairment? I'm not suggesting you would love them less, but life would be a lot harder than the easy family set up many people imagine when they think about when thinking about having a child.

Red-Squirrel_2

Gavin83 wrote: »

I had parents who told me the one thing they want in life above anything else is to be grandparents and I’m an only child. I told them quite clearly we weren’t having any and while it was hard at first they never mention it anymore.

Wow, what a really horrible guilt trip to lay on you. I don't think I could truly forgive that, even if I could learn to live with it. I think I'd have had to ask, if grandchildren were so important why did they not have loads of kids to improve their odds?