Child free by choice?

Mr_Costcutter

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

So why did you have children then? Chances are, the answer starts with "I wanted...". Chances are, you created a human being purely to satisfy your own desires.

Fair enough but who's paying for your choice? Given that you're on MSE, I'll assume you don't have private healthcare or send ydour children to private schools and probably get CB.


So maybe think on before you describe the childfree as "selfish", there are several of us who have actively chosen not to place any further stress on the NHS, the government and indeed the environment.

The lady in the post before yours actually stated that she was too selfish in wanting any more children. A very honest and brave admission, which many people may understand.

seven-day-weekend

I found child rearing to be drudgery and could never understand how anyone could enjoy playing with small children. I did play with my son, I did my duty, but my word, the hours dragged. The older he got, the better I liked it!

My son his now 38; he and his partner have said they don't want any children. Suits me down to the ground (although I'm sure I would love them if they came along). I am quite happy to remain grandchild-free.

Sea_Shell

I agree about the selfishness - yes, I guess I am a bit selfish in remaining child free.

But the flip-side is that many women want a child "at any cost", regardless of their relationship or financial status, even putting their future childs wellbeing at risk. That to me is equally (if not more) selfish.

If you look at the state of the world at the moment and the diminishing resources....I think us childless ones should get a rebate from the government for not adding to the population!!;);)

FBaby

What is patronising about saying that indeed, OP might change her mind, or might not, but either way is fine? Because people DO change their mind and there is nothing wrong with it if they do, just like there is nothing wrong if OP never change her mind and remains childfree. My point was that what matters is that her and her OH remain in agreement in terms of what they want.

Just because a couple of you don't like what I said on another post doesn't mean you have to read what you want to in every post.

moneyistooshorttomention

Sea_Shell wrote: »

I agree about the selfishness - yes, I guess I am a bit selfish in remaining child free.

But the flip-side is that many women want a child "at any cost", regardless of their relationship or financial status, even putting their future childs wellbeing at risk. That to me is equally (if not more) selfish.

If you look at the state of the world at the moment and the diminishing resources....I think us childless ones should get a rebate from the government for not adding to the population!!;);)

I expect we can all think of families like that awful American couple in the press recently with all those children - mis-treating them very badly. It never ceases to amaze me when people like that want children - whilst I can understand people wanting them that are obviously a "parent type of person" and look after any they get to a good standard.

Re the diminishing resources - I've never understood either why people get "rewarded" for having children and no "reward" for not having them - as we're in an overpopulated country in an overpopulated world. I was/still am gobsmacked at the fact I had to use my own money (many years back now) for a sterilisation operation (as the NHS was refusing to do it) - whilst they would have covered the costs of me having children:huh:.

It's basically down to "who yells loudest" as to what priorities get set though at national level and the "louder voices" might be the "other set of voices (ie ours)" in 10 years time/20 years time as it becomes steadily more and more blindingly obvious what the effect of overpopulation is. But, right now, they're yelling harder than we are.

buildersdaughter

Have only skimmed -so apologies if this has been said - but you do still have a few years to change your minds.
You've certainly got enough ideas to reply to people who ask intrusive questions - and i would say, don't give any detail, just say you don't want to talk about it.
As for regrets - you won't know until you get there, but here's my suggestion:
Look round at people you know and like, talk to them about their choices. Especially talk to any older family members you trust. Don't ask specifically if they regret / are glad that they did / n't have children - but talk about their lives, what makes them feel their lives were worthwhile / regrets etc. You may garner quite a bit of wisdom about life choices that may inform you.

And, whether you have children or not, there are always people about who reckon they can live your life better than you do!

NeilCr

We were only children of only children and had very few relatives. I think there was a bit of an expectation (particularly from one of my grans) about carrying on the bloodline. But, no pressure was bought and nothing was said.

I understand that this happens regularly and you should not have children for other people. I am much more aware of this situation now than I was at the time. While I have no regrets I do feel a little sad for my gran who would have absolutely loved a great grandchild.

Gavin83

FBaby wrote: »

What is patronising about saying that indeed, OP might change her mind, or might not, but either way is fine? Because people DO change their mind and there is nothing wrong with it if they do, just like there is nothing wrong if OP never change her mind and remains childfree. My point was that what matters is that her and her OH remain in agreement in terms of what they want.

Just because a couple of you don't like what I said on another post doesn't mean you have to read what you want to in every post.

Out of curiosity if someone on here (or in RL) said "I'm planning on having kids in a couple of years" would you respond with "You might change your mind though"?

JayJay100

Tricky question, and for me, it depends on when you ask it. Technically, I'm child free, but I do have a stepson, who means the world to me. As I was growing up, I always assumed that I would have a wonderful husband, a lovely home, a couple of fantastic children and the well-behaved, but adorable golden retriever. It didn't work out that way. I never had the obsessive cravings for a child that some of my friends did; I can remember one friend in particular crying over baby clothes, and bursting in to tears at the sight of pram.

When I met my OH, he already had his son. He said that he didn't particularly want any more children, but would be willing to, if I wanted them. I thought about it, but I was in my late thirties, he was already forty and I decided against it. A big part of that decision was based on the fact that every previous relationship had unexpectedly failed, and I thought my OH could easily leave in the same way. That didn't happen either. In addition, I liked my lifestyle, as I had the best of both worlds; a relationship for most of the week, and time to spend with friends, when the OH was with his son. That changed when the OH became the primary parent; if I wanted to stay with my OH, I had to make room for his son too.

Ironically, the doubts on my decision sometimes creep in, because of my stepson. He has brought more to my life than I would ever have thought possible. Yes, it was hard work when he was younger; I lost count of the things that we missed out on, because it meant tickets for three, rather than two, and we couldn't afford it. I got fed up of choosing restaurants based on whether they did burgers, rather than a highly recommended Italian or Chinese. I vividly remember sitting in a drizzly Blackpool, watching the OH and my stepson going on all the rides, with one friend sending last minute city-break photos of Venice, and another of Paris. Was it worth it? Yes it was, but it took a while for me to realise that; (pass the sick bag), I feel as though he's made me a better person and I have a greater understanding of myself now. I always thought I'd be a rubbish mum, and that I was too selfish to be a good one: neither are true.

TBagpuss

yellow218 wrote: »

And to be honest I feel weird. It feels very unnatural, un-womanly even, to be giving it thought, and even weirder to be coming up with the conclusion of ‘probably not’.
Thanks in advance.

Honestly, i don't think it is weird or unnatural. I do think that there are a lot f societal expectations (particularly on women - I bet you get more questions on the topic than your husband does!)

It isn't selfish, not is it based on selfishness; it's very responsible to decide that as you don't want children you won't have them, and that you won't give in to pressure and have a child you're not sure you want just to meet other people's expectations.

Lots of people have children or selfish reasons, whether they are willing to accept it or not, and you will, unfortunately, meet a lot of people who will make patronising assumptions about whether you will / may regret it or change your mind later, although parents are very rarely subjected to similar comments about their choices.

You don't owe anyone an explanation, and should feel free to let them know that you consider their enquiries rude, if it gets to you.

(Quite apart from the rudeness of asking the question, it can be incredibly hurtful for those who would like, or would have liked, to have children but are unable for whatever reason to have them, you may find that pointing that out is away to encourage people to back of from questioning you, or others)