Child free by choice?

Cakeguts

Pollycat wrote: »

Do you have anything to back up the bit in bold?

It sounds like you have/had a narcissistic Mother.
Lots of threads about this.

Yes correct about my mother. Not a nice person.

The bit that you have put in bold came from an article on people having IVF. What it said was that people left having children late and then when they realised that they were running out of time decided to have a child in case they regretted it later. Having had my childhood I didn't think that this was a good reason to have a child. It felt a bit as if it was a tick box exercise that went something like this.

"Got career, good career with plenty of spare cash
Got partner
Got house
Got cars
Nice holidays
What haven't I got? Oh probably ought to have a baby now in case I regret it later."

Then they discover that they have left it very late and have to have IVF. There are risks to the child from older mothers and there are risks from IVF so what these people are doing is risking the health of the child in order to complete their checklist of what they want from life. This just feels wrong to me because if you were interested in having a child in your life you wouldn't put it after everything else and then leave it so late that you needed IVF.

aussie_in_wales

It's so sad that other people including our families question important life choices, such as having children and try to force their own opinions and beliefs about this onto us.
I replied to Tweet by Kate Humble about this last year (she also doesn't feel the desire to have children) and almost instantly had a message form a journalist asking if she could call me and interview me as to why I didn't want children. So I emailed her back and asked her if she wanted children? She said yes so I asked her why and her answer was because it's normal. I refused the interview.

You should not feel guilty, this is your life and you should be free to make important life choices for yourself without pressure from others.

As you can see from this thread there are plenty of other women and couples like you who have decided that having children is not for them, so it isn't as 'normal' as some people would like us to think.

Good luck with sticking by what you feel.

Cakeguts

There is also an argument that I have read somewhere (I can't remember where) that the "biological clock" that some people talk about is cultural rather than natural. Pressures from outside to have a child rather than from the person themselves wanting one. I personally think that people should mind their own business and not try to impose their choices on others.

Fireflyaway

Talk through with your husband. How will it change your life / do you feel the same/ what are your future plans etc and make a decision based totally on what the two of you want. Don't consider other peoples opinions! Whatever you do, people will comment. I've been called selfish to my face for having one child. The person who said this told me I was cruel in denying my child a sibling! I have a colleague and every time he says he has 4 children people comment how it must be so difficult like they feel sorry for him. Another friend has 4 girls. Several people asked her if she had a boy would she have stopped at 2!
My point is whatever you do, someone will think you are wrong. Its your body, your family, your future. Its not weird not to want children. You can still be a great auntie and still interact with kids if you want and if you don't want to that's OK too. There are advantages to having kids and advantages of not. Good luck.

chelseablue

I had my son when I was almost 31, he's 3 now.

I'm in the 'one and done' camp.
I absolutely adore my son but found the whole newborn stage very difficult.

I do love the age he is now though, if I could've given birth to a 3 year old and skip the newborn bit I would of :rotfl:

My cousin had her second when she was 42 (and her first when she was 27) Her sons are now nearly 23 and 8 so quite a gap.

zagfles

JayJay100 wrote: »

Ironically, the doubts on my decision sometimes creep in, because of my stepson. He has brought more to my life than I would ever have thought possible. Yes, it was hard work when he was younger; I lost count of the things that we missed out on, because it meant tickets for three, rather than two, and we couldn't afford it. I got fed up of choosing restaurants based on whether they did burgers, rather than a highly recommended Italian or Chinese. I vividly remember sitting in a drizzly Blackpool, watching the OH and my stepson going on all the rides, with one friend sending last minute city-break photos of Venice, and another of Paris. Was it worth it? Yes it was, but it took a while for me to realise that; (pass the sick bag), I feel as though he's made me a better person and I have a greater understanding of myself now. I always thought I'd be a rubbish mum, and that I was too selfish to be a good one: neither are true.

Re food and travel - we never had those problems. I really don't think kids are fussier eaters than adults unless they're made into fussy eaters. If we went for a curry, the kids would have curry, and they loved it from right the age of about 2. Chicken Tikka Massala, Pasanda, Korma, sweet and creamy, I find it hard to believe any young kid wouldn't like them! One of my proudest days as a Dad was when my daughter ordered her first Vindaloo at age 10 :rotfl:

Don't think we ever ordered anything off the kids menu when we went out - the kids had what we were having, when they were small we'd just ask for a separate plate and we'd give them some of ours or they'd share, and sometimes restaurants would do smaller portions.

Travel isn't really that much more expensive with kids, other than you're restricted to the school holidays once they're in school, but as my wife worked in a school we were anyway! We did change the type of holidays - more short haul than long and more driving than flying, but the holidays were just as good.

I did think being a parent would come with quite a bit of self sacrifice and being less able to do what we loved to do. It didn't. It's really not stopped us doing anything, and if anything it's enhanced those experiences. On our tenth anniversary we went away together, without the kids for the first time since having them, and we spent half the time saying things like "ooo the kids would have loved this..." and basically missed having them with us :rotfl:

Sorry that was too much waffle - point was - kids won't stop you doing stuff you love to do (within reason).

Smodlet

At the age of 14 I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I did not and never would want children. My mother (who, like Cakeguts' mother, it seems, scarcely merited the title) told me I would change my mind when I was older. I never have and have never regretted my decision for one second.

If I could go back in time, there are few things I would not do differently but not having children and marrying my wonderful OH are the two things I would not change. Guess at least I got the really important stuff right.

zagfles

username12345678 wrote: »

I work with 2 couples who are all in their 50s and child free.

They look amazing for their age and have crammed so much in to their lives.

Makes you wonder why, beyond the reproductive urge, anyone bothers having children.

Because having children doesn't mean you can't look great and cram loads into your life, maybe

Redacted

This was meant to have quoted Pollycats post #81 in reply to my original post - its gone wrong somewhere...

Im not sure I can even describe it as changing my mind - my feelings were unchanged. But we were at an impasse and I am of an age when fertility begins to decline. I think the best way to describe it is that I relented. I also genuinely thought it would take us a long time to conceive, if ever, as I only really hear stories about people struggling. I was so shocked that it happened so quickly.

If he had also not wanted or not been bothered about children, I would not have had one - youre correct about that.

zagfles

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Personally - I'm cynical enough to be well aware of the number of women who think men should go along with any decision they make about having children (whether the men like it or no) and that may be why women are asked more (ie as the assumption is "....and the man in your life will go along with it - even if he doesnt get HIS share of the say about it".

Which is rather sexist - as men have just as much right as women to make their own decisions about such important matters - rather than many people assuming they will go along with a womans decision regardless (ie the "If he didnt want one - then he shoulda have worn a condom" brigade - who always totally disregard the fact that he can't decide to have an abortion, unlike the woman).

Yes and I think too many men go along with this "it's the woman's decision" sexist rubbish.

When we got married my wife knew I didn't want kids then, and we wouldn't be having any unless I changed my mind, kids should be wanted by both parents. She did want them, but it wasn't a deal breaker for her.

But the amount of times I was guilt-tripped by friends/relatives for saying no to children when my wife wanted them...

Few years down the track, lots of travel, friends and relatives having kids, loving spending time with nieces and nephews, I changed my mind.

Ironically a few years after our second child was born, roles were reversed, I really really wanted another... but my wife didn't!