Child free by choice?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

A woman at work is forever asking me "wedding bells yet?!" But she's divorced?! People are weird.

I'm entering middle age, a time when people question the decisions they've made so far. A major factor in my not regretting being child-free is seeing the effect of constant worrying about frail, elderly parents on my parents. They are spending their hard-earned retirement traipsing round the country dealing with constant health crises and tough decisions about care homes. When I'm ancient and decrepit, I won't be an emotional burden on anyone.

SandC

I've never wanted children and never changed my mind. I did always say when I was younger never say never as the only scenario I could imagine me feeling any different is if I met someone who made me feel like I wanted to have a child with them. I didn't actually think that would happen but I was open to it as I've seen it many times.

I hate the constant mention of the word 'selfish' though. A definition of this word is "(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure". Yes, I'd agree about the second part, but deciding not to have children is in no way lacking consideration for others. That would only be the case if you had children and then continued to act like you didn't. I've yet to meet anyone who had children as an act of selflessness. They had them because they wanted them. :-)

To OP I agree, don't worry about what other people are doing. You can never say that you've not been giving it serious thought because you are clearly are. You can only really go with how you both feel right now.

Loz01

The only thing that slightly freaks me out is the fact you want time to think about a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING decision, such as having a baby - but then your biological clock is against you. I'm 31 and feel like I'm fast running outta time, I dont know if thats from reading stuff, seeing people talking about it on TV or maybe just one of my work colleagues who informed me you cant have a baby over 35 (although... I'm not sure thats QUITE correct is it?! :rotfl: )

Smodlet

Loz01 wrote: »

The only thing that slightly freaks me out is the fact you want time to think about a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING decision, such as having a baby - but then your biological clock is against you. I'm 31 and feel like I'm fast running outta time, I dont know if thats from reading stuff, seeing people talking about it on TV or maybe just one of my work colleagues who informed me you cant have a baby over 35 (although... I'm not sure thats QUITE correct is it?! :rotfl: )

What absolute nonsense. Cherie Blair had one in her forties and that is just one example off the top of my head. The OP has time, should she wish to change her mind. The world is overcrowded so, unless someone is absolutely certain they want a child, they should not have one on principle.

Many who do have children should not and it always seems to be the lowest common denominators who are the most fertile. What is the point of having four children before you are 25 only to have them all removed by the state because you are unfit to be anywhere near them? Yes, I have a specific example in mind.

buildersdaughter

Jumping in here - and although I would not claim to be up with the latest research, I spent a working life in family / child health.
Broadly speaking, fertility declines with age. Factors include general health, some hereditary factors like age at menopause and some conditions. For healthy women, age 38 is roughly when fertility begins to decline, but you should allow a bit on either side.
Any specific worries, you can ask your GP or at your local Well Woman clinic.
I wouldn't discourage any woman from thinking about having a baby well after that (I've known plenty of healthy babies conceived and born normally when women were well over 40,the oldest mother I delivered was 47) but if you are in a situation to think about it it's best to try to conceive before 35.

As for how much you think you will enjoy and cherish your relationship with your children, at all ages, that is for individuals to decide.

yellow218

Thanks all. The topic of fertility is only really partly on my mind, most of my thought process i do i WANT one, not can i HAVE one.

I guess what it does mean that IF we should change our mind and get that sudden urge for a baby, then we possibly do have some time.
Given that we are thinking about not having children at all, if that sudden urge came at say 40, i'm sure we would think carefully about it again.
Where i stand currently is that i like the idea of retiring early (who doesn't! and without children that's certainly more achievable- although my mum at 55 has just retired!), and that wouldn't really be possible if at the age of 55 we had a 15 yr old child.

buildersdaughter

Thanks yellow218 - as I said many posts ago, I would look around, talk to people, and keep your minds open for awhile. The right decision will come to you.
I have never regretted the major decisions that I made in my life, and I made them by observing, listening, and thinking - NOT being told what to do by others! I made 2 of them before I was 20, and the other before I was 30.
I personally believe that whilst we should be thoughtful and pleasant to others in our normal everyday lives, that our major decisions should be made only from our personal point of view. We have to live with the consequences for the rest of our lives.
You my find it useful to picture yourselves at some point - at age 40 or 55 or 60, and imagine what you would like to see and how you would get there. Some people find this very useful, others don't.
I wish you all the best, however your life goes.

cyantist

yellow218 wrote: »

Where i stand currently is that i like the idea of retiring early (who doesn't! and without children that's certainly more achievable- although my mum at 55 has just retired!), and that wouldn't really be possible if at the age of 55 we had a 15 yr old child.

Just wondering why not? My parents retired when I was 16 and they were in their early 50s

yellow218

cyantist wrote: »

Just wondering why not? My parents retired when I was 16 and they were in their early 50s

Out of interest, how old are you now? I think it probably could have worked, but i think it works less with today's parents of teens, and even less in the future. why? Because hypothetically i do have children, i wouldn't want to retire until 1) my children were financially independent and 2) had left home so hubby and i had our freedom again.

More and more 'children' are staying at home for longer:

1) 16-18 yr olds now have to be in education or training
2) uni costs more now, so more 'children' look to parents for support (not that they are entitled, but even martin lewis acknowledges that its an unwritten rule the government considered when setting maintenance loans etc).
3) its harder now for graduates to get good jobs.
4) even if they do, it's harder to get onto the property ladder as house prices are increasing, and not at the same rate as salaries.

I don't think i would let myself retire until my offspring had left home. I may want to downsize, and live off the capital in my home, however that would essential make my child homeless.

All that above my still happen irrespective of what age i have children, but lets say the 'child' leaves home at 25, if i don't have said child until i'm 40, that would make me 65 by the time they leave home.

My parents have just retired at 55. That's a whole 10 years difference, and crucial 10 years, that are still young fit and healthy so can enjoy their freedom (from us kids and work).

Cakeguts

Loz01 wrote: »

The only thing that slightly freaks me out is the fact you want time to think about a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING decision, such as having a baby - but then your biological clock is against you. I'm 31 and feel like I'm fast running outta time, I dont know if thats from reading stuff, seeing people talking about it on TV or maybe just one of my work colleagues who informed me you cant have a baby over 35 (although... I'm not sure thats QUITE correct is it?! :rotfl: )

What your collegue is trying to tell you is that some women can't not all but some can't. Also there is a bigger risk to children of problems the older the mother is.

So at 31 why haven't you had a child? If the reasons that you tell yourself are still the same at age 40 what will you do then? Life is not fair. Not everyone gets the same chances.

So apart from the biological clock why do you feel that now is the time that you need to have a child and didn't feel this way at say 22?