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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Over 50s Money Saving
1.1K replies 195K views


  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Ah never mind Kittie.....just keep looking. There will be something out there with your name on it.

    Had a few wobbles this week with the house buying and selling. Won't bore you all with the details. I THINK we are still on track but as they say, it's not over till the fat lady sings. And there's still a long way to go.

    I am resolved I'm not going to get myself into a stew......Que Sera and all that.

    Like others have said this is most likely the last big one will either be a small apartment or God's Waiting Room. :eek::rotfl: So I want to get this right.
  • Elona_2Elona_2 Forumite
    353 posts
    Third Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper

    Fingers crossed for you with the sale and purchase processes. I have just come across a medical article on using bicarb of soda mixed in water helping inflammatory conditions such as arthritis so have been drinking this two or three times a day since yesterday. It is supposed to take about two weeks to notice improvements so there is no harm in giving it a try. I am getting so sick of having to nerve myself to get up to do anything as it will be painful but do realise I can't spend my entire life sat on my big bum!

    Decided to have a brunch of a bacon, red pepper and tomato omelette and maybe salmon with cooked beetroot, cucumber and couscous for tonight. DD and SIL are coming over tomorrow so will get some veg, new potatoes etc later today and maybe marinade some chicken and make potato salad.

    Someone is coming round to look at the bamboo which needs killing (trying not to think of previous owner of house whose eccentricity and incompetence coupled with delusions of adequacy has caused so much trouble and expense).

    Hugs to all
  • edited 2 June 2018 at 1:37PM
    lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    edited 2 June 2018 at 1:37PM
    Elona ...are you my twin. ;) I have just had a mushroom, tomato and cheese omelette for brunch. And am contempLating salmon for supper.

    Now I know we are not supposed to give medical advice but I don't think the following would be classed as such. I am not discussing drugs or surgical procedures. I see it more as lifestyle .....

    So........Re the's certainly worth trying. I used it to help me get off omeprazole and keep my GERD under control. Excess acid caused GERD and we know arthritis and other inflammatory conditions can be exacerbated by excess acid so there's some good science there.

    Sometimes, The old wives treatments can often be just as good as pharmaceutical drugs .

    Another recommended treatment for arthritis is cider vinegar, honey and water. Unfortunately the cider vinegar upsets my stomach. Although I was reading about using cider vinegar and cayenne pepper as a rub onto arthritic joints. Again that makes sense because we know capiscain is a good pain reliever although it can cause skin rashes. These things are worth trying.

    Anyway do let us know how to get on. It would be useful to find a pain reliever that doesn't have unpleasant side effects or is non addictive. I simply can't take nsaids etc so I'm always on the look out for non drug alternatives.

    I am currently trialling a hemp gel, which I apply to my knees and shoulder blades.....very effective but unfortunately not cheap.

    I have also been advised to try collagen powder. I've bought some but not tried it yet. I tend to try one thing at a time otherwise I'm not sure what helps and what is a waste of time.

    The best thing I find is heat, so my early morning bath is an absolute ritual that I strictly adhere to. The bungalow only has a shower so, I think reinstating the bath will be one of the first jobs on the agenda. My Epsom salt baths are my lifesaver (magnesium)

    I also have found some relief since taking a magnesium supplement and of course good old glucosomaine and fish oils. I take red krill. I soon notice a difference if I run out.

    I am also going to buy a home infra red sauna. It's dry heat, not steam, so doesn't require plumbing or drainage, just two electrical sockets so it can be tucked away anywhere. Sounds like an extravagance but it if it keeps me pain free and mobile then I think it's money well spent.

    But you are right.......exercise is a key component of managing have to keep moving. The more sedentary we are the worse we will be, you have to keep the blood flowing to the joints. We don't have to run marathons, just gentle walking and stretching such as yoga or tai chi or Pilates. Also, if possible some resistance training to keep muscles strong so they can support the joints, so handweights or a resistance band. We don't have to slug it out at the gym, just little and often at home.

    A little tip .......if moving around is Painful and exercise seems impossible then try a couple of paracetamol about 30 minutes before hand. It takes the edge off a bit.

    Oh the joys of aging.......:rotfl:
  • edited 3 June 2018 at 5:59AM
    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
    0 posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    edited 3 June 2018 at 5:59AM
    my mil used to say that old age never comes by itself, I had no idea what she was talking about, then. I do now

    I had a brilliant crafting day yesterday and went to dd afterwards, having to take an unknown route as a detour because of a road incident and drove through a gorgeous old village, never been there before but yet again now only a dormitory settlement. I have to say that I did spend too long on RM again when I came home and then get to read all the hidden info about rat runs and shops closing on wikipedia. I have however extended my area and brought the map in to make a list. Property has certainly gone up in cost and I may well have to 2/3 empty my sipp to get what I want but am thinking that better I get to use our hard earned savings, still leaving a property for inheritance, rather than leaving sipp cash.

    I am looking at abbey small towns at the moment, love the ambience of a market town based around an abbey. I have seen a few properties on RM that look appealing but grade 2, so they would have to be fully upgraded for me to buy, hence more expensive. A good garden is a must, not necessarily for veg but for a few fruit bushes and pottering at least. I may look at an area half way between here and dd, with old fashioned shops and a train station. I quite like the idea of opening up my search, don`t like the idea of spending so much money when I am physically comfortable here but in a rut but it is my money and why should I be frugal just to pass it on for holidays or cars. I have already passed quite a bit of cash over to grateful recipients, the 7 year rule

    Definitely not wanting to look at any property with a flat `open view` because of all the new builds being thrown up, would rather get a property with an established area all around. I can see another exploring adventure coming up soon, I have 2 areas to investigate

    I am not aching at the moment but it might all change after this morning as I have work to do on the alotment and will be there by 7. Will be too hot later
  • edited 3 June 2018 at 10:19AM
    lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    edited 3 June 2018 at 10:19AM
    Kittie....I love small market towns, abbey towns etc, they often have lovely old buildings (yes many will be listed) and I do like the small independent shops. They often thriving communities with things like book groups, choirs, U3A, local history groups. That's the kind of place I'm looking for.

    Although a city suburb and not a pretty market town my new area does have many of the activities I'm looking for. Close enough for some activities but set in a quiet cul de sac, away from the madding crowds.

    I too am having to up my budget to get what I want but like you I figure why not. I've set my boys up by guving them deposits, they are now fully independent and well established, what I do with my money now is up to me. I could spend it on holidays, a new car etc but I think it's is better spent on a nice comfortable home.

    The house I am hoping to buy meets my current needs and can be future proofed, relatively easily and inexpensively. I am actually upsizing rather than downsizing but the space is better designed for aging it situ.
    The money I spend on it will take into another league in terms of increasing its value. Then, if in say 10 or 15 years time it becomes too big or unmanageable then I can downsize again, move into a nice easy to maintain apartment and spend my capital gains on buying in help as and when it is likely to be needed.

    Well that's the game plan.......:rotfl:

    I've had a quiet weekend so far, just recouping my energy after all the strains and stresses of last week. Happy to say my aches and pains are much better this morning, the rest has done me good. More of the same today, just some gentle pottering and then off to the cinema with a friend this evening to see The Book Club with Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Mary Steenburgen, and Diane Keaton. Some great older actors. It's nice to see older women in films .......proves we can still be a force to be reckoned with......:rotfl:
  • wortwort Forumite
    1.1K posts
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Wow, you lot really are an inspiration! At the moment I'm finding it too hot to get stuck into anything ,apart from general housework and work.
    Work at the moment is having a shake up of hours and days , spreading us out over more days for our hours , making Saturday an every week day, instead of alternate, and even Sundays being pushed. I opted out of Sundays years ago, I don't believe shops should open and it's a family day, but now I no longer have hubby, and if it comes down to as I've been told working Sunday or doing extra days , I might have to consider it. I will miss seeing dgson though as it's the day he comes and sleeps , although since his grandad died he's been coming Friday for tea and to sleep too, he's such a caring child.

    Kittie and LL I hope the right house comes along soon, I realise how hard that must be.
    Elona your very kind to help out buying baby equipment, it's such an expensive time, I'm sure they appreciate it.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • edited 3 June 2018 at 2:55PM
    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
    0 posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    edited 3 June 2018 at 2:55PM
    oh my giddy aunt, I have got to stop looking.

    Reason 1: I don`t want an old money pit surrounded by chav potential, no matter how nice the internals. The roads look full of cars and the gardens are made to look so much bigger on the photos and generally they are very overgrown. Reason 2: a bungalow I quite liked in an abbey area but the equivalent would be over 100k less in my local area plus I get to go cycling, which is better for my long term health. Arghh, that local area had 9 crimes in the last year, my area had none. That 100k would mean many thousands of chauffeur driven taxis if I cannot drive. Anyway all the info is out there and I don`t want left over bankruptcy vibes thank you

    Here are 2 sites I am finding handy for the homework. You just need the postcode which is always on the downloaded EA info

    Its a good job I have the allotment, gets me out no matter what, spent 3 hours up there today, split sessions and the first one with low lying mist over beautiful fields at 7am. I have to stop looking on RM and rely on alerts, let my brian have a rest

    I hope you get extra for weekend work wort. I find that I am not needed so much now the gc are getting older, not a bad thing and they are looking forward to helping when they are big and strong
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    It's ironic really.....I spent significant chunks of my working life, working weekends and bank holidays. I was well rewarded financially but I hated it because I missed out on time with my family. Now if I were to work again, then I wouldn't mind working weekends.

    It's hard Kitty, I too got sick of trawling through Rightmove. Hopefully you'll find something soon.

    I did feel a bit low last evening. It's coming up for 4 years now. I know I have to rebuild my life but sometimes it just seems such a pointless and futile exercise.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not having suicidal thoughts but there are times when I just have no real enthusiasm for much of anything, not even the thought of a new house thrills me. If my husband were alive we would be excited and enjoying all the planning and anticipation.

    Now it just seems like huge effort. Hey ho......maybe I'll feel better later.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
    0 posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    yes LL and even with grandchildren, life is pretty pointless. Yes ok we grandmas are very needed for the first few years, for the emergencies and extra cuddles but little by little, when they start to reach the pre-teens, then they start to follow their own interests and so they should, that leaves us on our own, it is an invisible thing. They have their lives to live and we become the understanding grans who need to be seen from time to time and who need to be phoned but we never moan or get in the way. It is life and there is no going back to the way things were, with families living next door to each other

    It was suggested to me, by a druid on my craft day, that I write a wish list and it will come to me. Maybe I should do that, my wishes have been all over the place. I know that deep down I am too scared to go to a completely new area, to start again from scratch. Also in my psyche, I remember the children saying how they would like, one day, before too old, to live somewhere much more isolated. I certainly don`t want to be moving then, in 8-10 years time and I don`t want to be the ball and chain to hold them back. Local is where I know and in my comfort zone. The small things, doctors, bus, great shop and PO, clubs of all sorts, film nights, U3A nearby, cycling, very reliable handyman and gardeners, plumbers and electricians and people who stop and talk, last but not least, my allotment with the skylarks above
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Just been looking at coach holidays for mini breaks. Maybe try one next winter. Don't know what they are like but they don't break the bank. I'm not keen on very long coach journeys but I am sure I could manage a few Hours to a U.K. destination.

    My husband and I used to love our little winter breaks. Would I find it too melancholy on my own, would it bring back too many memories of happier times.

    Maybe I should just take pot luck and give it a try.

    My DIL was suggesting I go on another exotic cruise but it's not really the answer. Yes you get to escape for a while but you still come back to the same old same old. What I really need is a more fundamental change of lifestyle.

    Oh dear, I do sound doom and gloom today. Maybe it's just the thought of that looming 4th anniversary. But I just feel that life lacks purpose now.

    I think it is fundamental to our well being that we have a purpose or clearly defined role or goals in life. Well it is for mine, and I just can't seem to find one. I never was very good at just drifting.
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