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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Over 50s Money Saving
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  • wortwort Forumite
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    Kittie , that's so sad, I hope that kissing him goodbye at least will help, ease the pain , that he knew you loved him, I'm struggling to remember things I said to him at the hospital, I know I didn't want to upset him, and say anything that would let him know he was dying. Though he probably realised.
    We beat ourselves up over these things don't we? When I'm sure they realise how much love we have for them. There's never the right way to express how much at the time. X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • BugginsBuggins Forumite
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    The 2 year anniversary of my husband's death is next week and I am trying to be 'normal' however a couple of people have asked what I am planning on doing! Have I overlooked something by trying to carry on regardless? Any thoughts....
  • itsanneitsanne Forumite
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    Buggins wrote: »
    The 2 year anniversary of my husband's death is next week and I am trying to be 'normal' however a couple of people have asked what I am planning on doing! Have I overlooked something by trying to carry on regardless? Any thoughts....

    It's an odd one, isn't it - a date of which we are very acutely aware, but one we might well not want to mark.

    Some people do like some sort of remembrance, but I'd be like you in carrying on as 'normal'. Last year (the first) had the joys of mammogram and dentist. The date jumped out when the appointments arrived, but in some respects it felt right to have less than pleasant things to do on the day. In the end, having been counting down the minutes until "The Time" from about a week beforehand, the actual time slipped by unnoticed while I sat in the dentist 's chair. That suited me, as I didn't want to focus on him dying despite it having been all I'd thought about for weeks beforehand.

    There's no right or wrong way of spending the day: do whatever you're comfortable with and don't worry about what people who don't know what it's like think you should do. I hope the day goes as well as it can.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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    I deliberately am not very aware of any date, I have to look dates up and rely on the fact that I get reminders for hair appointments and dentist. This is my mind blocking dates out. I don`t know what I was doing on the third anniversary, nor his birthday. I have to be low key on my own birthday, I told no-one here that I was 70 a few months ago, children did a surprise meal out that day but that was as far as I wanted to go. I find my birthday the worst time. I am sure that I block things out, to protect me

    I just saw on the news about that awful murder of a beautiful 83 year old lady, living in a bungalow amongst other bungalows, the trusting generation
  • BugginsBuggins Forumite
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    Thank you Itsanne and Kittie - I intend to keep busy and get through Tuesday as quickly as possible! Perhaps in different cultures they light a candle or have a ceremony.....
  • wortwort Forumite
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    Sending hugs Buggins, my 1st year anniversary is next month, I know that my niece usually makes sure she's busy on the day, and maybe friends are making sure you're not going g to be alone.

    My friends want to go out for lunch/dinner on my wedding anniversary which is a couple of days before my birthday, I'm not sure what to do as I don't know how I'll feel on the day? It may be a good way to keep my mind occupied, though I know I'll get family visiting anyway.
    A couple of days after my birthday I'm going on holiday, and will be on the cruise when the actual date of his death happens, on the same ship that he fell ill this time last year, I'm doing what we missed, and finishing our cruise. We had gone for 2 weeks and was brought home after a week.
    I'm either very brave or very stupid only time will tell.!
    So June is a month of "dates" to get out of the way.
    Kittie I'm glad you had family round you on your birthday, I hoped it helped.X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • Elona_2Elona_2 Forumite
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    wort

    I think that you are brave

    Hugs
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
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    Hello everyone

    Sorry to hear that so many are struggling with those Red Letter Days. They can be so very difficult and I think we just have to navigate them as best we can. My friend, who has been widowed for 10 years now, recently commemorated the 10th year. She was very down for a few days.

    Wort.......I too think you are extremely brave going on the cruise. However, I can see why you want to do it. I think it will be cathartic for you. And, although it may be difficult for you at times, I think that by doing it you will get a real sense of achievement. I guess it will be sort of like a pilgrimage. I too feel that way a bit. When I take my big adventure trips I do it in my husband's name as well as my own. He travels with me in spirit. Wishing you well.

    Well quick update.

    Yesterday I accepted an offer on my house. FTB, so hopefully a nice easy sale. I am viewing my favourite maybe property on Monday. One of my sons is coming with me. I shall also do some drive bys tomorrow on some of the other possibles.

    I have been thinking about money......well it is a money saving website :rotfl: and as I am sure you are all aware we widows do have to think Long and hard about money sometimes. We do have to think about our future financial security.

    So, after mulling things over, I have decided I will not buy to the top of my budget unless I absolutely have to. Despite that I have decided I will probably take out a small mortgage and not buy outright. I have spoken to a broker and he assures me I will have no difficulty in obtaining a mortgage, despite my advancing years. :rotfl:

    This means that I can conserve more capital to reinvest, for capital growth and then in the future for additional income. I have found that once you start drawing down capital it can be difficult to build it up again. At least it would be for me unless I found a well paid job. And that's not really a realistic proposition. I wouldn't mind part time work but the only things I have been offered so far are full time and I just don't want that.

    At the moment my Income, whilst not overly generous, is sufficient for my current needs but I do need to forward plan, it probably won't keep pace with inflation and as I get older my needs are likely to change. I should imagine I will need to buy in help one day. Hopefully not for a long time yet. :rotfl:

    I feel I am too young to start drawing down capital, I want it to grow, so for now I want to keep saving and investing. A small mortgage will help me do this.

    Gosh, there is so much to think about......
  • poppy811poppy811 Forumite
    154 posts
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    Morning everyone
    Well the headstone is ordered and should be in place for the 2nd. anniversary of my husband's death. I feel I need to mark the grave properly as the house is on the market and I may move out of the village.

    Kittie oil heating is fine, we have consortium in the village so we get the oil at a discount because of bulk ordering.

    I am off to do a carboot shortly in an effort to declutter and earn a little money. I find motivating myself so hard and the lack of a purpose particularly as my 'local' grandchildren are away on an extended visit to New Zealand with their Mum. Their other Granny is terminally ill and naturally DDIL wants to spend time with her. A dear friend of mine died recently and having talked to his widow I realise that I have come a long way since those awful agonising days. Hope this lovely weather is helping us all a bit
  • Elona_2Elona_2 Forumite
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    I woke up early around six and manged to get back to sleep until eight when I heard a rapping at the front door.

    Much to my surprise it was middle dd who spent the morning with me and we had a good catch up as well as breakfast and lunch before she drove back home. Youngest dd phoned us both and said she is popping back next weekend for Friday evening and maybe Sunday and two dds can have a girlie evening.

    I am not sure if they remember next weekend would be a wedding anniversary but think they probably do but don't want to stress it.

    I am going to meet another dd in York tomorrow afternoon but need to get home before five as a friend of older dd and her husband and toddler are staying overnight and I am babysitting the next day. Must remember to buy a couple of toys or bubble kit. I found a gorgeous grey wicker Moses basket on a rocking stand with a safety mattress in an online sale at £95 off rrp so have ordered it to stay at my house and will set it up in a bedroom once baby has arrived.

    Hugs to all
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