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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Over 50s Money Saving
1.1K replies 191K views
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  • humptydumptybitshumptydumptybits Forumite
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    Hope he can sort it, I was lucky with the menopause really. Did have a year or so with very heavy periods but once that settled down it was fine and I never had a hot flush. Wonderful feeling of liberation to never have a period pain again.
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
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    Jaybee.........glad to hear that you are ok. You can put that one behind you now.

    Re those with health issues......which is probably all of us.

    I know I've said this before but the one thing I was not prepared for was the physicality of grief. The muscles and joint pains, the chest pains, the awful panic attacks, the stomach problems, headaches, nausea. You name it.

    After my husband's death several health care professionals told me that for the first 12 months the bereaved are especially vulnerable. Indeed the article Kitty directed us to says pretty much the same thing. Nearly 4 years on and tbh I still haven't regained full health yet.

    But I'm working on it. I have set myself a new challenge. I call it "A Year to Change My Life".

    I did try it last year but somehow it never really got going. Maybe I tried too much too soon......I was still dealing with my sisters nonsense at the time. I did manage to sort out my stomach problems so that was something however I still have a long way to go regain my health and vitality so that is my next goal.

    The road to wellness isn't an easy one but I'm not giving up yet.
  • wortwort Forumite
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    I'm feeling a bit emotional at the moment, it's 12 months since we were on the cruise when hubby became ill, and I'm getting upset over all sorts.
    On Friday I was crying at work, everything seems to get on top of me, and I can't stop it.
    I made the appointment with the Dr for tomorrow, but the nice Dr has left. So I'm seeing a locum , and now I don't know Wether to cancel, the other Dr was the one hubby saw and he was so helpful after hubby died.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • Elona_2Elona_2 Forumite
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    100 Posts Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    wort

    Please don't cancel and give the locum a chance. I found a couple of sessions of counselling where I could "just let it all out" really helped. The poor guy did not get a word in.

    I was initially reluctant to take medication but that helped too and I managed to only use them for about six months and taper off safely.

    Sorry to be bossy and not intending to "tell you what to do" but it does sound as if you have hit bottom.

    Gentle virtual hug

    I went to see my poorly dd yesterday and she seemed a bit more upbeat. We sat in the sun with a diet drink and then did a small shop for her. Treated her to fruit, puzzle book, some sweets and a reduced dvd to watch which she was looking forward to. I visit once a week or more and her sisters try to make sure one of them see her once a week if possible.

    Older dd's best friend has a toddler and sudden emergency finding a person to mind their toddler a week's time
    but the day is the only one dd cannot do so I offered to help . I might not be fast on my feet but can make sure doors to outside garden are secure etc and let her play safely.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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    MoneySaving Newbie
    wort, this is absolutely natural, the ups and downs and the suddeness plus that combined with up and down menopause, the menopause on its own is bad enough but you have all this combined and any down will be multiplied. I am sure you know that this is natural and not some awful permanent change ie going forwards is definitely not a nice upward graph. These graphical down times help to make the up times more secure and more permanent

    I have physical signs of better health, took a long time and I am uber careful with my food, we are what we eat but our needs change as we get older anyway, we need more protein. I doubled my protein intake and have protein several times a day, starting with breakfast. I notice now that my hair, an outward sign of good health, is thicker, definitely thicker. It has taken a long time but there is no going back. I cycled 10 miles this morning, some inclines and got a bit puffed at times but could talk (to myself!) on every bit of my ride. I came home warmer, slightly glowing, enough to know that I have exercised my blood vessels, my muscles and my heart and lungs. The eyes and the hair show inner health as does having a zest or enthusiasm for anything
  • edited 13 May 2018 at 2:04PM
    CrystalladyCrystallady Forumite
    159 posts
    edited 13 May 2018 at 2:04PM
    We all seem to be a bit down over the last few days me included.
    It's my birthday today, the first one without my husband and I really don't want to bother without him.
    Anyway I forced myself to go out this morning, for a quick walk to post some letters, while the sun was shining, and promptly locked myself out !
    So my walk turned out to be much longer than anticipated as I had to get the spare key from my son who lives about a mile away. I now have a blister on my foot because I had the wrong shoes on, but am back home.
    Good news is after the extra exercise I can eat more of the meal my son is cooking for us tonight.
    Had lots of messages on FB some from previous work colleagues who obviously didn't know and said things like "hope you are all well / doing OK " which caused a few
    tears when I replied. It's another example of the fact that things will never be the same again and it is really hard to accept that I will never hear his voice again or have his arms around me - oh b*gger I can't see for tears .
    Hope things improve for you all, please take care of your health wort.
  • wortwort Forumite
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    I went to the Dr , it turned out to be the Dr that retired a couple of years ago, so that helped. He's arranging physio for my back, and I asked about a blood test for diabetes, so I have the paper for that and will call in this week.
    Elona, I have had counselling, I too didn't stop speaking and crying, it's a relief to say everything without trying to spare feelings as you do for family.
    I found some photos on hubby's phone that I liked so have blue toothed them to my phone, I also found a short video clip when he did the ice bucket challenge, which has his voice on, I sat and replayed it over and over, with tears pouring down my face, I was desperate to hear his voice again and I was so glad to find it.

    Crystal lady happy birthday and a big hug on its way to you, mine is coming up next month, along with our anniversary and then the anniversary of his death . I'm dreading it. Take care of yourself much love.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • Elona_2Elona_2 Forumite
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    100 Posts Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    wort

    Our 36th anniversary is at the end of this month and my birthday is not till August but our first grandchild will be born by then which the whole family is excited about

    I think I still have a phone with DH's voice on it so will get one of the family to check it our for me He got my dds to record his second proposal before our wedding blessing

    hugs
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    0 posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    not hearing the voice, that was what I missed such a lot, nothing, not even on the phone and I still have flashbacks, when he was leaving in his cycling kit, we kissed goodbye and that was that

    Anyway, I slept fitfully last night, still thinking about a new home. Thinking about less maintenance and a ch system that does not need to be loaded with wood pellets, which I have to buy, move and stack. I could so easily jump in and get a brand new house but am holding tight for the area I want, although I know it will be oil ch and not gas. Feeling a bit restless, again. Keeping busy with allotment and cooking for one but knowing that it is the new home that will settle me and that will happen when it is meant to be
  • wortwort Forumite
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    Elona , I'm thinking of you, big hugs for your anniversary.

    When I mentioned the video clip with hubby's voice on, to my friend at work, she said oh do you want to hear that? is it not upsetting?, yet my sister said her daughter who lost her partner 8 years ago in Afghanistan, said she would have loved something with his voice on. The difference between someone whose lost a partner and one who has not.
    I was having another bad day yesterday in work I found myself in tears a couple of times, but it was busy so I had to get on with it. Then I was exhausted at home, so didn't succumb to tears, I caught up with some light hearted tv programme. Then went to bed.
    Hope everyone is well. Much love.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
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