Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

poppy811

Glad to see you posting Crystallady. I think all I can say is the pain gets less 'sharp' as time goes on but special days are very hard to bear. Yesterday a very dear friend of mine finally died. Bless him he has been so ill for such a long time. I am full of admiration for his widow who nursed him at home through such a difficult few years. I had a few tears last night but would not have wished him to go on.
I viewed a lovely house yesterday and thought this is the one. In the middle of the night I thought no, too big for my needs and the boiler is in the Attic! Not a good idea for me at 72 to have that arrangement. As Kittie and LL have said, no rush but need to get it right.

[Deleted User]

oh you folks, you are so sensible and what a wonderful support group. That last bit in your post poppy, boiler in the attic, reminded me of the very kind e mail from a dd, suggesting I look at a lovely village she knows. I thanked her but I won`t be looking, I won`t tell her that.

I have decided to stay within my comfort zone but I pretty well keep it to myself because I just cannot explain it well enough but you know, without me explaining

Crystallady

It really is good to know you all understand I agree with Kittie that you are a great support.
Yes it's the "purpose in my life " I think I'm looking for.
I've worked since I was 16, full time for 35 years, part time for 4 years and looked after DH for the last 5 years so between that and looking after the home and having our son life was pretty full and definitely had a purpose. Now my son is married and has his life to live, and DH is gone so it's just me and the cats.
I too want more but have no idea what or how to get it, everyone seems to assume it's too soon to be looking for something, but I know that if I don't I will retreat to my home and get into a rut.
The only problem is that I live in a small town with very little going on for anyone over 60. I've looked at the U3A but other than poetry, knitting and rambling they don't seem to do much. I don't like poetry, can't knit and have arthritis in my knees so until they expand their events think I'll pass.
I sometimes think it's easier for a man to make new friends, he can go to the pub on his own and no-one will bat an eyelid but not sure it would the same for a 60+ widow, and I don't drink anymore anyway.
I think you are right LL time to make more effort, think I'll start back on my diet on Monday, losing weight gives me more confidence ( and helps my knees) , I lost 4.5 stone last year but have put a stone back on so need to shift it, I have to be in the right frame of mind to diet and really haven't been there over the last 4/5 months.

lessonlearned

Crystallady. My knees aren't great. Like you losing weight would help me. I have lost one stone over the last few months, but need to lose at least another 2 stones.

I have just been for another short walk. So far managed just over 5k steps today, same yesterday. I think whilst the light evenings are here instead of struggling to do one longer walk, I might do 2 or even 3 shorter ones. Try and build up that way.

I have been busy today, shampooing carpets. I am very tired now and my shoulders and upper back still hurt (as well as the knees and thighs). Oh woe is me. I sound like a wreck. I feel like a wreck.

Getting fitter and stronger is now top priority. Whether I move or not, it's now about reclaiming my health and energy.

It is a lovely evening and if I had been less tired from my cleaning efforts I would have really enjoyed it. I could also do with visiting a chiropodist, it might help my efforts.

I indulged in a bit of retail therapy yesterday. From a charity shop, so didn't break the bank. I don't want to spend too much on summer clothes just now because I have a wardrobe full of nice things for when I lose weight.

It's evenings like this when I really miss my husband. On a night like this we used to sit out chatting, then when it got dark we would set up the telescope for a bit of star gazing.

Happy days......

[Deleted User]

I saw a podiatrist last year, I was so scared because the one and only time I saw someone was years ago and she came to my feet with a scalpel in her hand in full view.

My toes felt uncomfortable and I decided I had to get my feet seen to and to get advice and wasn`t I lucky. I picked someone off the internet, had been an nhs podiatrist and had set up a clinic at his home, he lived with his male partner and was the kindest most gentle person ever. He booked me an hour because he didn`t want to rush, he gave everyone an hour and I got brilliant advice, which tbh stopped my potential hammer toe in its tracks. He absolutely advised me that I did not need to go back, what an honest person and all it cost me was £30

I am like you, do not like this aimless drifting, far too easy to see life slipping by. My children are independent, the grandchildren are growing up and they all have their own lives and at a distance.

I value my knees and panic if I feel the odd twinge, then I do some leg exercises, so that the muscles around the knee do more supportive work. I deliberately don`t walk much ie ramble any more because of knees and ankles but I do get out and about on my bike and here it is safe. In fact I found some cycle clothing to fit real women and have just treated myself to a few items

I don`t know what is going to happen next in my life but need to take one step at a time and naturally the next step is the move. That will get me to an area with various active groups of nice people and who knows after that

Can I recommend a book to you, called `the calcium paradox` it is eye opening and contains hugely important information about how to retain/attain good health, the link betweek vitamin D and vitamin K2. All I am saying is that I have taken a big dose of cholicalciferol (D) for 15 years and k2 for 6 years and prior to that fermented foods for many years. It is about health so I won`t say too much but these two vitamins are my everyday staples as well as my (usually) very careful food choices. The reason I am saying this is because we need good health, to be the best we can can be, so that we can get the best out of our futures

I know I could do some continued professional development courses and go back to seeing patients but it is definitely not what I want any more. There are associated costs ie clinic space, insurance, accountant, equipment etc but bigger than that is the fact that most patients are energy draining and I give a lot of myself, so I go home drained and I just don`t want that any more, to be the one that people lean on every time they see me. So I am searching for something and maybe it is all about just me now, finding myself, coming to terms with getting older and closer to passing on, maybe it is meant to be a reflective time. I just don`t know

[Deleted User]

I was thinking about my bed this morning. We bought top range hypnos single beds just ten months before hubbie died. Side by side and they gave us a better nights sleep. I kept them side by side because I could not bear one on its own and I could not flip or turn any bigger mattress.

I am cosy at night with my cozee home bedding but am thinking that I should change to cotton summer bedding, which does not appeal on a cold night. Brainwave in the night: cotton on one bed and cozee on the other, at least until it is constantly warm at night. I sleep in his bed but am ok with either bed now

I agree with this
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5691853/Broken-heart-syndrome-does-exist.html

I remember my heart beating so loud, thumping at irregular intervals and stopping me from sleeping. I worked very very hard to lower the inflammations, meditations, hypnosis cds, laying back on my zero gravity chair, veg juices, watching candles. Pottering on the allotment, kneeling and hand weeding day after day in february and march. I don`t know how long it took but I don`t get that loud thumping or the irregularity any more. It didn`t just heal itself, I had to work at it

lessonlearned

Thank you for the recommendations Kittie.. I know we are not supposed to discuss medical matters but thank you for directing me.

I don't wish to whinge but one of the things I never expected was that bereavement would be so physical. I know I damaged my health as a carer but I hoped that I would bounce back once caring duties had ceased. However the bounce hasn't happened. So now I need to really make an effort to get fitter, stronger and healthier before it's too late.

I managed to sort out my headaches and stomach problems and in that department at least I feel better than I have done in years. Now it's time for my muscles and bones.

Coming to terms with getting older?? Yes that is a hard one, my dad never did. He was 90 when he died but he still wasn't ready. Mentally and to a certain degree physically he was youthful. He aged well and remained strong, fit and active well into his late 80s. I hope I will be as fortunate. I think it was the keeping active that helped him stay so well. So this is something I want to try and emulate.

I agree now is a time for reflection and change. I don't feel ready to "age" just yet but I forget that is exactly what I'm doing. I shall be 67 soon. Tempus Fugit and all that.

Definitely need to up my game and sort my body out.

Hope you all have a good weekend. It looks like we are in for some nice weather.

[Deleted User]

you aren`t winghing at all LL. It is an absolute fact that you ground yourself right down, so that when bereavement came, you were already at a low stage of health, call it a wider foundation of ill health and that foundation is what needed repair first, the basics. The resting, the tlc but life is life and you probably whizzed around, like you do. So yes probably getting back to basic good health comes first and you can build on that. later. Don`t worry too much about muscles and bones yet, they get stronger over time in small ways such as lifting a shopping back sideways when walking, pounding steps when you come downstairs, like an angry teenager does

On top of the bereavement, yes we have to contend with getting older, losing that elastic bounce so really it is a double whammy but right now has to be about priorities and refining that oh so important intuition, which is not just about third party stuff but about ourselves. If something becomes a mental effort, then the body is saying to slow down for a little while

[Deleted User]

you aren`t whinging at all LL. It is an absolute fact that you ground yourself right down, so that when bereavement came, you were already at a low stage of health, call it a wider foundation of ill health and that foundation is what needed repair first, the basics. The resting, the tlc but life is life and you probably whizzed around, like you do. So yes probably getting back to basic good health comes first and you can build on that. later. Don`t worry too much about muscles and bones yet, they get stronger over time in small ways such as lifting a shopping back sideways when walking, pounding steps when you come downstairs, like an angry teenager does

On top of the bereavement, yes we have to contend with getting older, losing that elastic bounce so really it is a double whammy but right now has to be about priorities and refining that oh so important intuition, which is not just about third party stuff but about ourselves. If something becomes a mental effort, then the body is saying to slow down for a little while

Elona_2

LL

I have slowly been trying to increase the steps I do but I don't try to increase them every single day. At them moment I find the amount of steps I can manage without being breathless or having to sit down has gone up by three or four times in the last few months.

I will be 67 in August which seems a bit daunting but as I used to say to DH when he moaned about being a year older "Would you prefer the alternative?"

Trying to use the vibration board every other day or more and taking a joint supplement seems to be helping a bit.

Middle dd and bf are staying over tonight so I need to pop out for a few ingredient to make lasagne and salad tonight.

Hugs to all