Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

[Deleted User]

I was completely shattered by 3, having been on the go since 6.30. I knew I was done in because it was difficult to get my legs going up the stairs. For those of us who can, then a nap is a sheer luxury and that is what I did, lay back in my recliner, was lovely and I felt refreshed afterwards


I am pre-packing, all the small bits in my sewing room and am wrapping special things like scissors. Luckily I had kept all my plastic shoe boxes with nice raised lids. I am just about finished, the rest tomorrow, all the cut out bits etc. There is still masses for removers to pack but I feel better now that bits are all in safe places. One thing I am finding very useful is a mini film dispenser on a roll eg I have many perspex shapes, curves, rulers etc all nice quality and not to be lost in a big box. I have put them all together and just gone round and around and now have a neat safe bundle. Same with a few rounds around a shoe box, in case the lid comes off



I think the impetus came when LL said she was having removers do the packing too, which is what I want but I got worried about the bits and thankfully the solution came to me


I have just realised that I am in busy mode again, good, it stops me thinking

lessonlearned

I am another one who enjoys a nap when I need one.....although I havent been able to have one today and I feel broken.......so tired. Like you Kitty I can hardly put one foot in front of another, and it hurts when I try to raise my arms, my shoulders are killing me.

Today I have been helping my son and dil to prepare for her parents coming to stay. Dil is 36 weeks pregnant, her parents arrive tonight from Venezuela. We have been getting the nursery and spare bedroom ready. Son has only just finished renovating and redecorating these rooms, then they managed to get the new carpets down and we have spent today building beds and temporary wardrobes, putting up curtain tracks, light fittings etc. DIL can't really do much, she is huge, exhausted and very uncomfortable so I went over to do what I could to help. Tbh I really struggled but I didn't want to let them down so My son and I just ploughed through it.

We got it all done and the two rooms look lovely but oh my......I am now shattered and even my strapping healthy 34 year old son was practically dead on his feet by the time we had finished.

It taught me one thing.......I am definitely going to have to get some help with moving house and I am really going to have to pace myself afterwards getting the work done.

I bought home a load of packing materials, bubble wrap etc that came with their new furniture. Waste not want not, I'm going to use that to make a start.

Kittie, I like your idea of sorting out all your sewing stuff and part packing it yourself first. That makes a lot of sense. You will know where everything is by keeping it all together.

I will be doing something similar, grouping things together, so they can be tidied into categories. It should make unpacking easier at the new house, especially as some things wont be unpacked immediately.

I know it makes sense to wait until contracts are exchanged before I start dismantling things and packing up so I wont be doing too much just yet but I think I can make a start by having a final declutter and perhaps start putting things into categories in readiness.

I shall go through all my books and paperwork first and then tackle the cellar and garden. I also want to take lavender cuttings and try taking some off a couple of my favourite shrubs.

So plenty to be getting in with....and, as you say, Kittie, maybe having a goal and a focus might help take my mind off that forthcoming 4th anniversary.

[Deleted User]

oh the shoulders, be careful LL. I hurt mine a couple of years ago, just by lifting a heavy box down, it took a year to heal and even now they can both hurt. Don`t forget the cbd oil, I am taking it more often now because of all the work in and out but I take it well before the night, that is when the aches seem to come out and cbd zaps them but it is mighty expensive


Oh the date LL, dates are so significant, births and deaths often happen in a family on or near these significant dates. 36 weeks, so could be anytime. My first born grandchild is my soul mate, I know it

Cuttings! yesterday I took some acer cuttings from a loved japanese acer. I would like at least one of them to take. It is a nice thought to take a living memory

A bit more pre-packing today but I should not feel so tired, bulk in that room was done yesterday. None of this packing is in sight, it is all stacked in cupboards or on shelves, very subtle and I am wrapping some special items in white paper first and encircling the box with the cling film, so nothing `vanishes`

[Deleted User]

Thats me done until this afternoon, done an hour and am feeling tired so will be listening to my body and relax this morning. Just washed my hair and I must say that my hair is getting thicker, one of the body shocks after bereavement was the steady and insidious hair loss, so that I could see pink scalp. My hairdresser was good and I turned to a judi dench cut. I am back to a bit longer on top now, which is the best style for me. I knew that my body was coping once my hair started to grow and thicken

Oh my goodness, how bereavement does wrack the body, that relentless adrenaline, cortisol and tiredness and it only begins to get better once the paperwork stops, in my case it took at least 18 months to 2 years. I was on auto pilot with food, living via my rice cooker, everything in there, fish, veg not just a bit of rice

This clearing, de-cluttering all over the house, it is so important to make life easier going forward. Less dusting, more empty drawer space, less watering of garden pots. To heck with what it all cost, don`t we all wish we could change some things when we look back but life is what it is and it is how we deal with it, that is what is important

I know some bereaved lurk, please join us we sound cliquey but we really are not, we welcome you with hugs, open arms and a shoulder to cry on and between us, we have a lot of experience in dealing with this, over time we all become online friends and welcome anyone who needs help and friendship

lessonlearned

I would just second Kittie......I know we just chat sometimes so it might sound like a closed shop but I assure you we are anything but cliquey.

In real life I have joined the Jolly Dollies and just like I have made friends on here, I have met a lovely new friend through that group. We just have to try and reach out, both online and in real life.

Let's not beat about the bush, widowhood is lonely.

Being proud and independent I can come on here and say things I wouldn't say to my family or even close friends. I wouldn't tell them I feel broken or that I'm in physical pain or that life sometimes feels futile. They have their own problems and issues. They don't need me to be a burden.

As for "body shocks" - well the physicality of grief was just something I was totally unprepared for. The effects of grief on our bodies beggars belief. I keep thinking surely I should have bounced back by now.

It's not depression, I don't need counselling but oh my how I wish I could heal my body. Yes I still miss my husband but my aches and pains, my stomach upsets etc are not psychosomatic, they are not "all in my head", they are only too real.

Yesterday's efforts helping out have completely wiped me out. I just feel dreadful today. The thought of my blood test today and the dentist tomorrow were just too much to bear so I have cancelled both. They were only routine appointments anyway so no harm done, I can reschedule.

One lesson I have learned from yesterday........I do need some help both with the move but I also think in general. If I have to buy a few hours of a cleaner and maybe the odd day of a handy person or gardener then that's what I will do. I just have to face facts I am not "Wonder Woman" any more. :rotfl: and, if I have to rejig the budbget to find the money, then so be it.

Blackcatsreturns

Hello all! I "know" some of you from the old style board. I am nearly 4 years into being a widow. Some things are much more ok now and other things are still tough and challenging. I was 50 when I was widowed and when I meet new people it's interesting how many assume I'm divorced. By now I'm used to this assumption so it's harder for them than me when I say I a widow - most are embarrassed and feel awkward.
It will be nice to chat to others who are widowed - there are things that we have in common that even our closest friends and family can't understand.

Elona_2

LL

I heartily second the idea of getting a bit of help like a cleaner Mine came in today for an hour or so and the house looks much better. She helped me unpack and assemble my new vacuum cleaner and also replaced the bulbs in the ceiling light over my bed which was such a help. You were sensible to reschedule appointments rather than get more exhausted and wiped out .

I will be rejigging my budget too so that I can repay my savings used to sort out the bamboo and the patio over the next few months.

I want to second the comments that we are open to new posters or lurkers and the encourage anyone to say hello to the club no one wants to join. Most of the "dates" for this year are over except for one in mid August but by then my first grandchild will be here which will give us all a new direction for our thoughts.

Hugs to all

Elona_2

Blackcatsret

Wave Hello and sorry I missed your post just now. You are right that however empathetic and thoughtful friends and family are, it is almost impossible for them to "get it".

It has helped me so much to hear about others and their victories (big and small) as well as the challenges and
difficult moments.

[Deleted User]

welcome blackcats, its good to see you here on this thread

I am the same re telling friends and family, I just don`t, they have no idea.I don`t tell them anything about how I really feel

An easier day ahead, I need to repair spending damage to capital and am planning projects at home, rather than going out and spending. CBD is definitely keeping aches at bay, I have sucked one gum each day for 3 days. They are so expensive and I am limiting myself to potentially aching days. No gums today

What does help me is to keep to a very strict circadian rhythmn, I know I am a lark and work it around that. I am always up around 5.30 and go up to bed at 10. My meals are always at the same time with a main meal at 12 and I finish eating by 5. Other meals tend to be small, with a second breakfast around 10 and the last meal is a mini. I have noticed that my hair has improved a lot since my body knows what to expect, I think it has done it good to be in a routine. Yes I would go with the flow on holiday or with visitors so nothing is set in stone.

I started by putting a circadian chart on the fridge and realised that I was always waking between 2 and 3 am. This is toxin releasing time and I was releasing the toxic effects of anger and guilt. Both are present after bereavement and need to be released. So I went with the flow, didn`t automatically get up for the loo because I did not want that habit to form. I still wake up at 2 but get back to sleep very quickly. I am happy with progress so far and am lucky enough to be able to have that afternoon nap if my body tells me too, again that is around 2 pm, that signal is becoming less frequent as my sleep improves but it also depends on the mornings work

A bit more pre-prep today, cataloguing the contents of really useful 18 litre boxes full of carving equipment in the garage. They need to be kept safe from falling out or pilfering I will encircle tightly with a bit of clingfilm via a mini roller. I will only do 2 boxes today and will finish the sewing room, should be done by 11

lessonlearned

Hello everyone.

Hello and welcome to Blackcat....

I too will be 4 years into widowhood in August. I don't really know what I expected or "where" I expected to be by nkw but I often feel like I'm in some strange limbo, neither a new widow nor a singleton. I feel like I'm stuck in no mans land, just existing in a half life.

I know I have come a long way from those early days of raw pain and grief but I do feel I've become stuck now and I can't seem to move forward or make progress. I do find myself thinking "is this it". Maybe moving house will help me jumpstart a new life. I hope so. I need something to give me a kickstart. I've tried holidays and they are not the answer, at least not for me.

Elona.....I didn't realise you were expecting your first grandchild too. I thought you already had grandchildren. My first grandchild is due soon. Yes I too am looking forward to his arrival, something joyful. I just wish my husband were here, he adored children and I know he would have just doted on his grandchild.

Dils parents have arrived. They have already been christened the summer grandparents because they will visit each summer for an extended stay. I will be the rest of the time grandmother.

Like many of us I too have been thinking about money. I'm ok at the moment but the house I'm buying is right at the top my budget so I am going to have to be very careful and stick to a very small renovation budget and not get carried away.

I need to not only preserve my capital but also try and make it grow for the future. At the moment my modest pensions are enough but At the back of mind there is always the thought of inflation so I will need to be canny and make my money work hard.

Maybe look for some part time work or start a little micro business once I'm settled in. I have been offered work by several estate agents and developers but they have all wanted full time. I just don't want that. Oh well I'm sure I'll find something.

Kittie....you are putting me to shame with your pre prep for moving. I haven't done much at all. I really need to get my act together and make a start. Yesterday was a complete write off, my shoulders were really bad so I did nothing. Today I'm meeting up with DILs family and we are all going out for a posh afternoon tea. That will be nice and I will get to rest again. Hopefully, after 2 days rest I will be able to make a start over the weekend.

Kittie......I was interested about how what you were saying about circadian rhythms. I think we all have natural biorhythms and that it's best if we can work with them rather than trying to fight them. That's the beauty of being retired, you can do just that.

I find that naturally I need an afternoon nap. Just a short power nap of about 20 minutes or so will really set me up. It actually helps me sleep better at night. If I don't get to have a nap then I get overtired and then struggle to sleep at night. This is nothing new for me, I have been having an afternoon or early evening nap ever since I was a teenager......:rotfl:

Anyway better get cracking. Hugs to all.