Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

Robisere

Have not read all of this, but enough to decide that the relationship you want is not the relationship you need, for either you, the prospective partner, or "the kid". I know Liverpool and I know scouse family life. A committed stepfather does not refer to any stepchild as "the kid". "Our kid" maybe, but that is more a term of endearment.

When I moved in with the lady who became my wife, she had two children, a daughter and a son. I knew that I would have to deal with them as a package and I worked at becoming dad as well as husband. I must have managed it, because within a year or so they were calling me dad and I began a lifetime of love for them which still holds today. Both have a ds and a dd each and I love my 4 grandchildren to bits, having held each one in my arms as they were born. I am spending the days of Christmas within the circle of a loving family, and that's what can happen when people accept children for what they are, and make the best of sticking together as a unit.

For this child's sake, I sincerely hope that you do not come into his life. He won't get a dad, he will get some bloke who looks upon him as an obstacle in his life. You obviously have no feelings for him and no intention of building any sort of a relationship with him. Children pick up on stuff like that: they are not slow to understand when someone is not interested in them. Leave this woman out of your life and both her and her son will be better off.

lessonlearned

BucksLady wrote: »

Yes, for advice and not to be mocked.

I wasn’t mocking......perhaps you should read my other posts, you will see I have a great deal of sympathy for UplandsHigh.

Although TBH. My biggest sympathies lie with the child.

Runningfast

Robisere wrote: »

Have not read all of this, but enough to decide that the relationship you want is not the relationship you need, for either you, the prospective partner, or "the kid". I know Liverpool and I know scouse family life. A committed stepfather does not refer to any stepchild as "the kid". "Our kid" maybe, but that is more a term of endearment.

When I moved in with the lady who became my wife, she had two children, a daughter and a son. I knew that I would have to deal with them as a package and I worked at becoming dad as well as husband. I must have managed it, because within a year or so they were calling me dad and I began a lifetime of love for them which still holds today. Both have a ds and a dd each and I love my 4 grandchildren to bits, having held each one in my arms as they were born. I am spending the days of Christmas within the circle of a loving family, and that's what can happen when people accept children for what they are, and make the best of sticking together as a unit.

For this child's sake, I sincerely hope that you do not come into his life. He won't get a dad, he will get some bloke who looks upon him as an obstacle in his life. You obviously have no feelings for him and no intention of building any sort of a relationship with him. Children pick up on stuff like that: they are not slow to understand when someone is not interested in them. Leave this woman out of your life and both her and her son will be better off.

I didn't say in my other post but my other half is also from Liverpool she disagrees with your assessment of Liverpool family life and the use of the word kid. She says our kid and the kid both play a role depending on context one a description one a term of endearment. From a factual point of view it is the kid he isn't yet the step dad they don't Iive together. For all we know from the posting he sees the mother 4 to 6 times per week. I guess after work mainly from what has been said so far so the child might actually be in bed when he call in. He might not have actually had that much quality interaction with the child to date apart from the odd day out here and there.

We don't know enough about their relationship to say about the relationship he has with the child. My perspective from reading the entire thread is that it is a positive relationships. What isn't positive is that he will be working minimum 50 hours a week, before commute, be on call potentially end some of his work days 100 miles away from home and then have to drive home leaving the house at 5.30am getting home around 22:00 etc. When he isn't doing that he will be working and providing main child care responsibilities all while his partner the mother goes the gym 3 days a week, meets up with friends etc. That is not balanced in anyway that is a recipe for a break down!!

By you not reading the entire thread you seem to be missing a lot of context. To me your post does not fit in with the picture I have from what has been said by him throughout this thread.

I will say it again, I doubt anyone including you and me will last long term or be a positive for our families if we had to potentially do what is being expected of him.

You are a step dad to two children do you have any time away from them to unwind apart from work? If you do, then you have missed the context.

Pay_me

Interesting thread.

Nothing to add other than I'm from Liverpool. I use both Our kid and The kid neither of them are derogatory in their use. I agree with another poster who said it about context.

Tabbytabitha

Pay_me wrote: »

Interesting thread.

Nothing to add other than I'm from Liverpool. I use both Our kid and The kid neither of them are derogatory in their use. I agree with another poster who said it about context.

I don't think anybody was saying the expression "the kid" was derogatory - just cold.

Pay_me

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I don't think anybody was saying the expression "the kid" was derogatory - just cold.

Will have to agree to disagree there. I probably say The kid and Our kid many times each day so I don't see it as cold, context dependant yes but cold no.

If I was talking about a kid I was really close to such as my own or my niece etc. I would definitely say our kid. If I was talking about a none related child I would more likely say the kid. Though I also use the kid about family for example yesterday I remember saying 'but the kid needs dropping off about my niece.

If the OP was acting as step dad already then I probably would have expected Our kid and not the kid. From the little I have read I can't determine the level of relationship between the two of them so for me either term fits.

I think Runningfast makes a valid point maybe OP has not yet had that much quality time with the child to feel comfortable saying Our kid? I once dated a woman with a child in the 18 months we were together I met the child about 7 times. The child was either asleep, with the father or other family members when I went round or we went on dates etc.

Did he say how long the father has been of the scene?

Pay_me

Just to add other information to the prospect that maybe OP hasn't had much quality time with the child so far to be comfortable in saying Our Kid. OP simply may not be acting as a Step Dad at this moment in time.

Flicking back through the postings.

They been together about 2 years.
The child is 5 so was 3 when they got together.
He works currently 8am to 6pm
They don't currently live together

Adding some logic based on my experience of dating a woman with a child I didn't meet the child for the 1st time until about month 6 of the relationship so will apply that to OP that leaves 18 months to bond depending on circumstances and the mother and his willingness etc

If he finishes work at 6pm let's say he gets to hers at 7 if he goes straight there surely a 3 year old is probably in bed by then? My niece was. If he goes home eats tea, gets changed first he might not get to hers until 8pm or later surely 9 times out of 10 a 3 year old is definitely in bed by then. Throw in the mother will also want a child free evening if dating and been looking after her child all day? Based on my experience every time I went round to my now exes house in the evening the child was always in bed even 18 months in.

At 4/5 the child is in reception class again highly likely the child in bed around 7 or 7:30pm ish based on my niece

Throw in that they will have had plenty of dates just the adults it is plausible that he might not have actually had that much quality bonding time with the child so far. In my 18 months I met my then partners child about 7 times mainly for a few hours at a time. I would not have been saying Our kid at that point!!

The child's father lives in another city and has little to do with the child. What we don't know is when that happened? From birth or last month? Maybe when OP started dating the mother the father was seeing the child every weekend freeing up the mother to date?

I hope the OP comes back with more information. Very interesting thread and response to it.

Sambella

Why would he come back? All you’re talking about mostly is his use of the term ‘the kid’. He came looking for answers to his questions and over and over again he is being analysed as to why he may have used that term.

He explained, either accept it or move on. He doesn’t have keep giving explainations until he satisfies each and every opinion here.

For the record it bothered me not.

Let it go! It’s Xmas ��

PeacefulWaters

These Scousers are weird.

Any self respecting Mancunian refers to their sibling as "our kid"!

Pay_me

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

These Scousers are weird.

Any self respecting Mancunian refers to their sibling as "our kid"!

Technically and traditionally you are correct it was reserved mainly for siblings however like all languages over time things adjust. I definitely hear it in use and use it myself in other situations these days.

However like another poster said it is irrelevant.