Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

chesky

Sorry, they actually joined about a year ago but have only started posting today.

Mr_Costcutter

chesky wrote: »

The poster joined this morning at 10.07am our time and made about ten posts in as many minutes. They live in New York. Can’t think why they bother - don’t they have similar forums in the US?

Goodness me - ten posts in such a short time - guess it doesn't take long to copy and paste, but there is no point at all in doing so.

Smodlet

The English in some of them is atrocious; total absence of articles, for example. Presumably the correctly worded ones are also copied and pasted. They must be really bored.

unholyangel

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

Parents (including step-parents) that work need to organise proper paid childcare in order for them to work.

Having said that, you ARE benefiting. You will be getting money towards your utilities and food and will have a large number of domestic chores done for you and the icing on the cake is that the house is, and always will be, in your name only.

You benefit way more from the proposed set up than she does BUT she needs to organise childcare - it's what working parents do.

I believe (could be wrong but from what I remember) OP said she would be paying what the bills increased by and I don't believe he said she's a domestic goddess.

cjdavies wrote: »

I have always wondered in these situations does the step parent also not get involved in not telling the child off when coing something wrong or ensuring they finish their food when they don't want to.

Not so long ago it was the accepted thing that Mrs X from down the street was perfectly entitled to tell you off if you were misbehaving, never mind relatives or step parents.

In our circle of friends & family, no one would think twice to check bad behaviour. Except one of my aunts who is a complete soft touch and as such, the kids tend to run riot with her.

ska_lover wrote: »

Why do people continually insist on bashing him for calling his step child 'the kid'. It is hardly the same as calling the child ''the brat' or something..

I find amusement in this as the term brat/brats is used affectionately here when speaking about kids - particularly young ones/those you're close to. Once made the mistake of using it here and you'd have thought I'd just called them the C word the way people reacted. Although we'd never use it to speak to or about a child that was actually misbehaving. So peoples reactions seemed utterly alien to me because it just doesn't have negative connotations in our usage.

In contrast, a friend once dated a guy with 2 kids, and he said to the eldest (who was 6 at the time) that she was a little !!!!!, just like her mother. Now imo that is something that is never okay, no matter the context.

unholyangel

OP, I'd say both of you have a brainstorming session in which you suggest all options - even those which you aren't open to immediately. If its easier, you could both do this part separately.

But then go through them together and list all the pros and cons for each option. Sometimes you initially rubbish an idea but then when you get someone elses perspective/its finer points are discussed, it doesn't actually seem as bad as you thought.

If either of you want to take an option completely off the table, the other person gets to take an option off as well. It helps if you both go into it knowing that you're not going to get everything your own way. As I said, relationships take communication and compromise - but it needs to come from both sides and not just one.

Does her son have any school friends who's parent/s may be open to a quid pro quo arrangement where they collect him 2 nights a week, feed him and then you or your partner (whoever finishes work first) collects him and you guys return the favour on other days? Does he attend any after school clubs? If not, perhaps he could start if they are offered?

What about his gran, would a sleepover at hers the night before mean the school run would be manageable for her?

Tbh, I wouldn't move in until you had discussed certain things. So she doesn't want her mother to travel slightly longer on public transport (how much longer I wonder) but doesn't have a problem expecting you to bend over backwards?

I also echo concerns about her debt situation. She doesn't sound very responsible - at least financially. You haven't mentioned exact circumstances I think but my concerns would greatly increase if you were to tell me the ex ran up debt in her name and she hasn't at least acknowledged it was foolish of her to allow herself to be put in that position and instead is just blaming him. Especially moving in together, a frank & honest discussion on finances should have been on the cards.

As for paying her debts for her.....ask yourself this....if the relationship were to end in a years time, would you then resent all the payments you had made on her behalf? 2 years dating and not living together isn't really all that long. When you live apart, you have an escape if you're feeling irritated by something they've done. You wont have that luxury when you move in - you'll be going home to them every night and sharing a bed with them every night. The first 6 months is typically the honeymoon period and after that, you start to notice their habits.

I can understand that when you love someone, you want to do things to make their life easier/better. But sometimes the best thing to do is to help them deal with it themselves rather than dealing with it for them.

Personally I would consider telling her now that unfortunately you forgot that you had xyz expense to cover (perhaps maintenance for the house - something you didnt have as a tenant) and that you won't be able to pay off her debt as you had originally hoped. You can always reevaluate 6-12 months down the line. If she doesn't take kindly to this then you've had a lucky escape as she evidently cares more about what you can do for her rather than making a go of it together.

Of course we're only getting one side of things so our perception may be skewed. Not saying your lying or trying to offend, just generally people tend to present their side in the way that is more favourable to them and less favourable to the "other side". We have a natural bias in favour of ourselves.

Edit: Jeez thats a long post.

unholyangel

Also (last one I swear, i meant to include it and only realised I forgot - in fairness I had 11+ pages of comments to reply to/catch up on), how much longer would her mum have to travel to pick him up on public transport? Has her mum perhaps refused to do it or has your partner just not asked? If the latter, I'd be concerned she wasn't willing to even ask her mum and instead just assumed you'd bend over backwards (along with your employer) to do it.

Really, all of this should have been discussed before buying the home. Doesn't matter how nice and affordable it is or how many bedrooms/how much outdoor space it has if its completely impractical for the needs/lifestyle of your family.

username12345678

The OP should run a mile from this relationship....especially if she mentions marriage.

Otherwise, you will find yourself getting lambasted for objecting to losing the home you’ve worked to buy and having your pension taken away.

You’ll be being told that you knew when you married your girlfriend you were taking on liability for her and her child so ‘man up’ and move out/pay up. :rotfl:

Smodlet

He certainly seems to have run a mile from this thread and who can blame him?