Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

eschaton

I was following this thread but started getting bored at all the arguing about the "kid".

Imagine if OP was Scottish and had called the kid a wane! Shock

As for the OP, if I was him I would run a mile due to many red flags. He already works long hours and is being expected to do excessive childcare taking up virtually all of his free time with his GF living the good life.

Finances are a massive red flag. Secrecy about her debts and an unwillingness to repay as soon as she can while she wastes money on non necessities.

Personally I can't see the appeal of this.

suki1964

Anoneemoose wrote: »

I really can’t believe the argument about the terminology is still going on!

And this is what ruins this board

Answer the question asked

Give your own experience if you feel that answers the question

But all to often the threads divert into people projecting their own experiences and ww3 ensures

It was never like this when I became a member , all this in fighting and proving points with someone you don’t agree with

The question was and still is, is he unreasonable to be questioning the proposed set up

Anoneemoose

suki1964 wrote: »

And this is what ruins this board

Answer the question asked

Give your own experience if you feel that answers the question

But all to often the threads divert into people projecting their own experiences and ww3 ensures

It was never like this when I became a member , all this in fighting and proving points with someone you don’t agree with

The question was and still is, is he unreasonable to be questioning the proposed set up

I really don’t think this ruins the board, I think it’s people arguing about the use of OP’s language and taking away from the question asked that ruins the board.

And if you bothered to read the thread, you will see I did give my opinion and experience in the post at the bottom of page 9.

Anoneemoose

suki1964 wrote: »

And this is what ruins this board

Answer the question asked

Give your own experience if you feel that answers the question

But all to often the threads divert into people projecting their own experiences and ww3 ensures

It was never like this when I became a member , all this in fighting and proving points with someone you don’t agree with

The question was and still is, is he unreasonable to be questioning the proposed set up

“But he has explained this numerous times and I think ska lover was pointing it out because people keep going on about it and it really is a non issue in the context of the thread.


I started reading this the other day OP, and got to about page 6, but yes, found people were repeating the ‘kid’ thing. I’ve just read the last page to catch up.

I don’t think you are in the wrong or being unreasonable at all. I have a son who was 8 when hubby and I got together. We did move in eventually and my son became part of his life in the sense he would look after him and pick him up, however, that was NOT all the time or to his detriment. And nor would I expect it to be. I totally agree that you need your own time and space. It is unfair to be expected to change a lot of your life, when the other person would only be changing theirs in a positive manner and yours in some ways negatively.

And in response to the posters that think you’re wrong for posting on here and ‘not thinking of the child’, I disagree. I think it’s good of you to be asking. Can you imagine if you just went ahead and moved in and then came on a few months down the line saying it wasn’t working out? You’d likely be slated for that too..not ‘thinking it through’. You can’t win with some posters on here, no matter what you do!”

There you are just in case you couldn’t be bothered to look before assuming.

And just to reiterate, I hardly think merely pointing out the fact that arguing about language is not helping OP, is ruining the thread.

Edited to add: Also, Suki, you thanked me for my initial post, where I was replying to, and in essence, agreeing with you. Not sure why you’ve singled me out. Too much eggnog??

Pixie5740

Just in case the OP ever comes back to the thread, I am another one who doesn't think he is being unreasonable, his girlfriend on the other hand is having a laugh. I also advise against letting her move in...for now.

The first red flag is that she is happy for the father of her child not to be involved in the child's life in any way. There could be a good reason for this such as violence or drug addiction but if there's no good reason it is a shame to deny the child a relationship with his father.

The second red flag are her debts and lack of openness about them. Until she has her spending under control and her mind focused on being debt free, any money saved by not paying rent would probably just be blown on fripperies like the rest of her money at the moment. Is she really using a debt charity to sort out her debts? Is there another debt solution available to her such as a DRO or even bankruptcy since she appears to have no assets?

Someone said earlier that it doesn't make sense as a family to reduce the main breadwinner's earning capacity and I agree with that especially since the OP will be paying for the roof over their heads and the lion's share of all the household bills. Great that after 5 years of unemployment she's finally got a job but her working pattern doesn't fit around the school day without additional childcare. Currently that gap is being plugged for free by her mother but if/when that option is no longer available then she will have to look at alternative arrangements and not just expect the OP to cut his working hours to pick up all the slack.

Yes when a child enters the home sacrifices and compromises must be made but at the moment the only one expected to make any sacrifices is the OP.

Tabbytabitha

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Just in case the OP ever comes back to the thread, I am another one who doesn't think he is being unreasonable, his girlfriend on the other hand is having a laugh. I also advise against letting her move in...for now.

The first red flag is that she is happy for the father of her child not to be involved in the child's life in any way. There could be a good reason for this such as violence or drug addiction but if there's no good reason it is a shame to deny the child a relationship with his father.

The second red flag are her debts and lack of openness about them. Until she has her spending under control and her mind focused on being debt free, any money saved by not paying rent would probably just be blown on fripperies like the rest of her money at the moment. Is she really using a debt charity to sort out her debts? Is there another debt solution available to her such as a DRO or even bankruptcy since she appears to have no assets?

Someone said earlier that it doesn't make sense as a family to reduce the main breadwinner's earning capacity and I agree with that especially since the OP will be paying for the roof over their heads and the lion's share of all the household bills. Great that after 5 years of unemployment she's finally got a job but her working pattern doesn't fit around the school day without additional childcare. Currently that gap is being plugged for free by her mother but if/when that option is no longer available then she will have to look at alternative arrangements and not just expect the OP to cut his working hours to pick up all the slack.

Yes when a child enters the home sacrifices and compromises must be made but at the moment the only one expected to make any sacrifices is the OP.

I agree with much of what you're saying but most women (or men for that matter) who take a few years out of the workplace to look after a child before it reaches school age, don't look on that as a period of unemployment.

Kynthia

You aren't ready to live together. To be honest her starting work for the first time as a parent only 3 months ago is a massive change and that adjustment needs to settle before you even discuss things further, as it's clearly caused a change in the plans. Once she's more experienced it might open options for a change in hours or a new job elsewhere. Or she may see things aren't working and something needs to change or get used to the idea of childminders and after-school clubs.

Moving in together needs to be a very gradual process with lots of discussion, openers about feelings/concerns, and plenty of transparency both ways.

Why doesn't she know what you earn, why don't you know her debts and child support, why haven't you modelled what you're household income and expenditure will be if you move in factoring in any reduction in working benefits she currently receives? To be honest with her debts and the fact you cant afford to work less than your very long hours suggests that you may not be able to afford to live together. Put it all on hold for a few months while the new job, the child's school run, and your home ownership all bed-in a little more. Then begin a process of complete transparency and discussion to see what will work.

suki1964

Anoneemoose wrote: »

“But he has explained this numerous times and I think ska lover was pointing it out because people keep going on about it and it really is a non issue in the context of the thread.


I started reading this the other day OP, and got to about page 6, but yes, found people were repeating the ‘kid’ thing. I’ve just read the last page to catch up.

I don’t think you are in the wrong or being unreasonable at all. I have a son who was 8 when hubby and I got together. We did move in eventually and my son became part of his life in the sense he would look after him and pick him up, however, that was NOT all the time or to his detriment. And nor would I expect it to be. I totally agree that you need your own time and space. It is unfair to be expected to change a lot of your life, when the other person would only be changing theirs in a positive manner and yours in some ways negatively.

And in response to the posters that think you’re wrong for posting on here and ‘not thinking of the child’, I disagree. I think it’s good of you to be asking. Can you imagine if you just went ahead and moved in and then came on a few months down the line saying it wasn’t working out? You’d likely be slated for that too..not ‘thinking it through’. You can’t win with some posters on here, no matter what you do!”

There you are just in case you couldn’t be bothered to look before assuming.

And just to reiterate, I hardly think merely pointing out the fact that arguing about language is not helping OP, is ruining the thread.

Edited to add: Also, Suki, you thanked me for my initial post, where I was replying to, and in essence, agreeing with you. Not sure why you’ve singled me out. Too much eggnog??

I quoated your post because I agreed with what you said

Please re read it , to me it make perfect sense. Either that or we are both falling foul of reading what isn’t there

However I do find your lost comment offensive and extremely childish and I would like an apology

Anoneemoose

suki1964 wrote: »

I quoated your post because I agreed with what you said

Please re read it , to me it make perfect sense. Either that or we are both falling foul of reading what isn’t there

However I do find your lost comment offensive and extremely childish and I would like an apology

I misunderstood what you wrote. It seemed to me that you you were pointing out my post as what was wrong with the board, not that you agreed that what I had written was what was wrong with the board.

My eggnog comment was meant to be funny (albeit, I can see it might not come across that way).

My response was appropriate because of the way I interpreted your post.

However, I am sorry I got it wrong and as such came across as childish in my response. If I had understood correctly, I would have certainly replied differently. My apologies.

swampduck

Way back near the beginning of your thread - before it was hi-jacked with the 'kid' issue (and I lost interest in reading everything!!)- you said you need to service your own debt among other things.
Perhaps you both need to take a step back and each deal with your individual debts before making the commitment to move in together. That way you both leave your debts and your pasts where they belong - in the past!! and not continue them into your new joint future which is a new clean sheet.

Swampy