Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

UplandHigh

(Before anyone says this is a mean spirited thing to do at this time of year. This conversation was many weeks ago but it still playing on my mind).

Trying to work out if I am I being unreasonable or if my concerns are justified? will try to explain this in an understandable way.

Been with my partner for a few years now and talking about taking the next step and moving in together.

My partner has a child (school age) from a previous relationship.

At present my partner works 3 days per week (12.5 hour shifts) these days are set as any 2 mid week (changes month by month) and the Sunday. Her mother looks after the kid on the 3 days i.e does the school run etc. If my partner moves in to my house her mother cannot continue to provide care as she lives to far away.

I work currently Monday to Friday some Saturdays and some evenings/nights. I am on a reactive contract/job specification meaning that I often have to undertake out of hours work at very short notice and work beyond my contracted hours pretty much daily.

During our conversation we discussed the child and how care would be arranged i.e school run. My partner just assumed that on the 2 mid week days I would do the dropping off and picking up and mind them on Sundays. This causes me several issues in that:

1) This means that I have to either take a pay cut by working shorter days on the 2 mid week days to pick the kid up and drop him off- which I can't do I have a mortgage, a house to maintain, debt to service, a car to run etc etc.

or

2) Reduce my hours on the 2 mid week days and then work longer hours on the other 3 to make up for it. I really don't like this option as it kills my personal life, all of my hobbies and interests, my working towards a new qualification, everything will have to stop. My Monday to Friday will be work minimum 6:30am - until 7:30PM ( on 3 days per week and child minding on the other 2. My weekend will be child minding on the Sunday and trying to maintain a relationship, a social life, doing my hobbies, shopping, seeing friends, family etc etc. on just one day per week. I worry that the relationship will crack and that I will crack.

Contrast the above with my partner, who will maintain her job and pay, on the 3 days mid week that she isn't in work once she drops the kid off at school she is free to do anything she likes and maintain her current life, such as going the gym, meeting up with friends, going out etc. At present on those 3 days she goes the gym every day, goes to Yoga class, meets up with friends and her family goes shopping etc. I get constant snapchats from her in various places when I am in work ad so on.

I basically tried to point out the above to her but it sort of failed. I said I will look after the kid guaranteed one day per week but I am not willing to do all 3 days as my life is completely stopped by it.

So am I being unreasonable?

feel free to ask questions if the above doesn't make sense. Please don't just assume or fill in gaps.

BorisThomson

When you all move in together you assume the role of parent, and that means making sacrifices and adapting. If you can't even help with childcare then you're not ready to commit to this relationship.

UplandHigh

BorisThomson wrote: »

When you all move in together you assume the role of parent, and that means making sacrifices and adapting. If you can't even help with childcare then you're not ready to commit to this relationship.

I accept that things will change but you do seem to have missed some of the points I was trying to make. does your comment apply to the mother as well?

What about all of the other sacrifices I will be making? Financially yy partner is in serious debt (5 active defaults) so all household bills and living costs will fall to me. She will use her current rent money to pay her debts but that will still take nearly 4 years to clear them. I have to maintain my pay as I also have some debt, a mortgage etc etc.

I am ready to commit to the relationship but not a total closure on my personal life. No one else I know who has kids have this problem. All my mates have a balance between personal and family life. The current assumption from my partner is that she gets a family life and maintains a personal life. I on the other hand only get a family and work life.

That is what I am asking if I am being unreasonable to expect that I can also have a personal life!!

Marvel1

UplandHigh wrote: »

That is what I am asking if I am being unreasonable to expect that I can also have a personal life!!

Being single is the best way (Livng on my own/single for 7 years )

Mr_Costcutter

The ideal solution would be for your partner to change her hours or even her job. However, I realise that this may not be possible. Otherwise all I see ahead (with the arrangement you have stated) is a great deal of conflict and this wouldn't do any of you any good.

UplandHigh

cjdavies wrote: »

Being single is the best way (Livng on my own/single for 7 years )

LOL, it was easier back then.

It is a challenge trying to work this out and how to fit both of our lives together.

Happier_Me

No I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The child is hers so she should take primary responsibility for arranging childcare. Choose the day you're prepared to help with childcare and ask that she either arranges alternative care and pays for it or changes her working pattern to look after her son herself on the other days.

There needs to be a compromise and you taking responsibility for her child's care every day she is at work is not compromise, particularly if this significantly impacts your pay and free time.

FBaby

You guys are clearly not ready to move in together if there is already resentment building up before you've even agreed anything.

Firstly, it seems to have been assumed that she would move in with you? Why is this? Does this mean that she would need to move to another town, with the child having to move schools? (guessing from you saying her mother, which I think you mean mother of your partner, wouldn't be able to help any longer. Where's the father of the child in all this? Does he have any contact at all?

From the look of it, what would seem the most logical would be for you to move closer to where she is so her mother can still help as before. Alternatively, there is the option of her daughter (kid sounds quite cold) goes to a childminder and you work the cost into how you agree to share your budget. Finally, what can't your partner's mum still look after her on Sundays, whoever does the drop off/pick up?

Pa_Ja

Keeping it brief. If I was your partner i'd dump you.
Her priority is the child. Her circumstances requires you to help parent. At the first whiff of this you start to think of yourself. I'm not judging you btw. I'd probably have felt the same if I were in your shoes however I'm a father now and realize my social life doesn't come before my children.
You knew she had baggage when you took her on. You need to either man-up and be the partner she thought you were or face the consequences of standing your ground.

UplandHigh

Mr_Costcutter wrote: »

The ideal solution would be for your partner to change her hours or even her job. However, I realise that this may not be possible. Otherwise all I see ahead (with the arrangement you have stated) is a great deal of conflict and this wouldn't do any of you any good.

Not possible for my partner to change her hours unfortunately, and she has only been in this new job for 3 months (returning to work now that her child has gone to school).

I have been in my job for 12 years. The options when I spoke to my boss are

1) Reduce my hours but this will result in a pay cut. I can't afford to take a pay cut.
2) Reduce my hours not he 2 days per week but work longer hours on the other 3. This means (if I only worked contracted hours, I work more each day due to job type) I will be out of the house from about 05:45 am and not getting back until around 20:30PM etc. If my partner carried on sending me snap chats of her daily trip to the gym or spa, or going out for lunch on the 3 midweek days per week she off and I'm in work I think I might not see the funny side pretty quickly.
3)Be demoted to a team with with more structured hours but again this is a significant pay cut.

Not sure how we will work this one out.

Spendless

How old is said child? There's a difference between a 5 year old which will need adult supervision for some years and one on the brink of going to Secondary school, a time when childcare changes. What's the options for school hols too if your partner is going to move too far for her Mum to be able to help out?

I'd be looking into options for paid for childcare, such as breakfast/after school club or a childminder.