Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

74jax

Ilona wrote: »

Mean spirited and totally selfish. You have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. THEY COME AS A PAIR, GEDDIT? You move in together and you take on the responsibility on equal terms with your partner. Poor you, having to make compromises, missing out on your foot loose and fancy free lifestyle.

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner. You either love the child as your own or you don't. What sort of life is he going to have if his new daddy can't be bothered with him? Sorry, but I can see this scenario ending badly.

Ilona

I came as a package with my DD as in 'live with me, live with my DD' but hubby certainly wasn't expected to love her as his own.

You can't just switch on a love like a parent because you move in together.

I find your post rather childish and not in the real world with different situations and circumstances.

bagpussbear

This doesn't sound like moving in together is a good thing to do, at this time.

I think you both have valid views, but equally unreasonable ones too.

Moving in together is the next step of commitment, but you don't seem to want the hassle of the responsibilities that come with that when you have a partner with a child. If the child is 5 and you have been with your partner for a "few years" then surely you must have thought that as your relationship grows, moving in etc, that at some point, you would be more part of that child's life and therefore have more responsibility? Yet it comes across as though this is a bit of a shock that she has assumed this.

Some of the wording in your opening post does not sound like a person who is committed (sorry!). Use of "the kid", my social life, my work, my friends, my hobbies etc sounds like more of a single person in a casual relationship. Apologies if this is not the case, it's just how your post reads, to me anyway.

Yet I am not saying you are wrong to feel this. It's obviously a step too far for you, and these changes simply won't work for you. If you are worried that the relationship will crack, I suspect you are probably right. Because these child minding responsibilities are not ones that you are ready for yet.

Keep it simple, either live apart for a few more years yet so this isn't a problem for you. Or agree to a compromise that you and your partner can live with.

Serendipitious

It does not make economic sense to compromise the earning capacity of the highest earner in any partnership.

Especially as all the good economic things that are already in place, ie your property, your mortgage, future pensions, etc all devolve from that earning capacity.

And this would apply the same even if you had been married to each other all this time and had had a child together. Your job sounds well-paid and solid, and for that reason alone, I wouldn't contemplate making major adjustments to it. That is certainly not being selfish, because it is protecting the long term interests of yourself and your new family.

Your partner's debt situation would be best addressed while she is still living alone, as she could be looking into debt remedies such as a DMP (plenty of advice on the forum) and finding solutions that are suitable. She clearly cannot afford her debts at present, and it might be more in her long-term interest to activate some solutions right now, while she is broke and living in her current situation, then she can always adjust the payments once you are both settled into the new economic status quo. I can see it's an easy fix to think that the debt can easily be serviced via what she'll be saving in rent, but there are other ways, if you look at the Debt Forum, and some of the debt remedies on there just might mean that the pressure can be lifted immediately and she might be able to contribute to the joint household once the move has occurred.

As for her job, it will probably be better for her to find something more local to her new home that fits in around school hours, or, if it has prospects of being a serious career and is not 'just a job', for her to compromise and find some professional child-minding. Again, it does not make sense to expect to replace free child care from her mother with free child care from the highest earner whose income and career will nosedive because of it.

UplandHigh

bagpussbear wrote: »

This doesn't sound like moving in together is a good thing to do, at this time.

I think you both have valid views, but equally unreasonable ones too.

Moving in together is the next step of commitment, but you don't seem to want the hassle of the responsibilities that come with that when you have a partner with a child. If the child is 5 and you have been with your partner for a "few years" then surely you must have thought that as your relationship grows, moving in etc, that at some point, you would be more part of that child's life and therefore have more responsibility? Yet it comes across as though this is a bit of a shock that she has assumed this.

Some of the wording in your opening post does not sound like a person who is committed (sorry!). Use of "the kid", my social life, my work, my friends, my hobbies etc sounds like more of a single person in a casual relationship. Apologies if this is not the case, it's just how your post reads, to me anyway.

Yet I am not saying you are wrong to feel this. It's obviously a step too far for you, and these changes simply won't work for you. If you are worried that the relationship will crack, I suspect you are probably right. Because these child minding responsibilities are not ones that you are ready for yet.

Keep it simple, either live apart for a few more years yet so this isn't a problem for you. Or agree to a compromise that you and your partner can live with.

I think you are making too much of certain things like the word kid etc, I am originally from Liverpool (but not currently living there) we use the word kid for a lot of things etc. It has no reflection on my ability to commit to the child or the relationship.

Every parent I know (friends, family and colleagues who I have spoken to) have all advised that it is important to maintain an element of personal life away from the family unit even if that is just going the gym a few hours each week.. My best mates and their partners who are all parents say that they wouldn't survive in their relationships if they didn't have some space to escape the family and just be them for a few hours.

I'm not a parent so I have no idea.

Tabbytabitha

UplandHigh wrote: »

The debt is from when she left the childs father.

She has only returned to work 3 months ago hasn't worked in 5 years up to that point I hope that the spas etc. are her treating her self as she now has money coming in and will tail off pretty soon. I have discussed this with her and she says that she will start working out a meaningful repayment plan to deal with her debts. Like I said in an other post if she moves in with me her current rent can also go on debt repayment but it would take a few years to pay off... It is significant!! Unfortunately she has only been paying a nominal amount each month and all of her accounts have defaulted. I am trying to help her with that hence why if she moves in I would cover all living costs until her debts are paid off and/or manageable (which ever is first) as well as paying her car finance for the first year to allow her to build up a financial buffer.

To be fair the gym is £15 per month child care is ridiculous in cost terms!!, I go to the same gym chain and I can understand why she wants to maintain a membership like that as it helps her destress, same for me.

As she isn't a property owner, has she looked at declaring bankruptcy?

UplandHigh

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

As she isn't a property owner, has she looked at declaring bankruptcy?

No, I don't even know who the debts belong too. She used a debt management charity who set up a nominal payment plan with the creditors.

Sarastro

I think you're right to be concerned about how things might work before she moves in; it does sound as if she is basically not compromising anything at all, whilst expecting you to make a lot of changes and take on a lot of additional responsibility, whilst she's basically not changing anything and that doesn't seem fair.

There are probably things you can do to make the practicalities work but that doesn't sound like it's actually the problem. My advice would be wait before moving in together until you've managed to talk through it in more depth with her.

UplandHigh

Sarastro wrote: »

I think you're right to be concerned about how things might work before she moves in; it does sound as if she is basically not compromising anything at all, whilst expecting you to make a lot of changes and take on a lot of additional responsibility, whilst she's basically not changing anything and that doesn't seem fair.

There are probably things you can do to make the practicalities work but that doesn't sound like it's actually the problem. My advice would be wait before moving in together until you've managed to talk through it in more depth with her.

You are right it isn't the practicalities they can be sorted. It is the lack of compromise from my partner that her life carries on as before while my life is changed beyond recognition and anything I have an interest in/currently involved in has to stop. I recently spent £15k and 4 years of my life achieving professional registration with the Chartered Institute. I recently got a promotion I have been after for years based on that effort,,, now...I am at a cross roads again!!

It just hard as all my mates, sister etc have families and good jobs and they all have a balance between family life and personal life. If my partner moves in she will have a balance between personal and family life. In the current assumption I have to chose family or personal I don't get a balance. Just finding it hard, as all of my mates are telling me...don't do it!!

Spendless

I think your girlfriend can't have it all ways. She can't keep to her work hours, expect you to change yours, refuse to use a childminder and keep spending money on treats whilst being in debt.

I'd put off the idea for now of living together and work towards some common goals instead so it's a feasibility for the future.

elsien

What about child maintenance from the child's dad? Is she getting that?