Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

Ilona

Mean spirited and totally selfish. You have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. THEY COME AS A PAIR, GEDDIT? You move in together and you take on the responsibility on equal terms with your partner. Poor you, having to make compromises, missing out on your foot loose and fancy free lifestyle.

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner. You either love the child as your own or you don't. What sort of life is he going to have if his new daddy can't be bothered with him? Sorry, but I can see this scenario ending badly.

Ilona

UplandHigh

FBaby wrote: »

You guys are clearly not ready to move in together if there is already resentment building up before you've even agreed anything.

Firstly, it seems to have been assumed that she would move in with you? Why is this? Does this mean that she would need to move to another town, with the child having to move schools? (guessing from you saying her mother, which I think you mean mother of your partner, wouldn't be able to help any longer. Where's the father of the child in all this? Does he have any contact at all?

From the look of it, what would seem the most logical would be for you to move closer to where she is so her mother can still help as before. Alternatively, there is the option of her daughter (kid sounds quite cold) goes to a childminder and you work the cost into how you agree to share your budget. Finally, what can't your partner's mum still look after her on Sundays, whoever does the drop off/pick up?

Yes she would move in with me, I have a house (Mortgage) my partner rents. She prefers the area I live in to where she lives now and I have a garden, near parks, beach etc etc.. We live in the same city just different sides of it.

my partners mother does not drive and would be looking at significant travel times on public transport to get to my house to take kid to school and pick them up.

I can't afford to buy a house in her current part of the town. She rents in a more expensive part of the city than were I live.

My partner is in debt if she moves in with me she can pay her current rent money also to her debt but that will still take around 4 years to pay off. She has several active defaults so no prospect of buying a house together in the short term.

We simply can't afford the cost of a child minder. I have no spare money with paying a mortgage, servicing my own debt, running a car and will be picking up the majority of the household costs leaving my partner to clear her debt.

UplandHigh

Ilona wrote: »

Mean spirited and totally selfish. You have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. THEY COME AS A PAIR, GEDDIT? You move in together and you take on the responsibility on equal terms with your partner. Poor you, having to make compromises, missing out on your foot loose and fancy free lifestyle.

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner. You either love the child as your own or you don't. What sort of life is he going to have if his new daddy can't be bothered with him? Sorry, but I can see this scenario ending badly.

Ilona

Surely that applies to my partner also??

So my partner is free to have a family life and personal life and maintain her pay and job but I am expected to give give up everything including college??

I don't get it.

PasturesNew

I'd say this isn't the relationship for you.

For her - as it's "her kid" then it's not for her to assume that you'll do XYZ, it's for you to have offered that.

She's taking the mick - and you're not pleased with that.....

The kid isn't the problem here..... it's the mother assuming things.

Maybe leave it another year or two.

FBaby

Mean spirited and totally selfish. You have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. THEY COME AS A PAIR, GEDDIT?

I totally disagree! When I moved with my partner, now husband, I certainly didn't expect him to take on the same responsibilities than I would have expected if he was their father. I expected him to support me in my decisions, and inevitably, he found himself worse off financially, but I certainly wouldn't have expected him to take on childcare.

Saying that, his elderly mum lives near by and thankfully, he didn't expect me to start taking her to all her appointments, having to keep her company every few evenings, dealing with her bills and the rest because after all, he could have done so since I got on with him and the baggage he came with!

Every couple is different, what matters is to be on the same wavelength. OH and I agreed to move in together, yet it took another 18 months to work out the details because of all the issues that came with it, and even then it wasn't easy!

I don't think OP has provided enough information to be able to say whether he is being unreasonable or not.

UplandHigh

Spendless wrote: »

How old is said child? There's a difference between a 5 year old which will need adult supervision for some years and one on the brink of going to Secondary school, a time when childcare changes. What's the options for school hols too if your partner is going to move too far for her Mum to be able to help out?

I'd be looking into options for paid for childcare, such as breakfast/after school club or a childminder.

The child is 5.

This is the thing my partner just thinks I will pick up all of the child minding when they are at work.

I will do what I can but I have to work also.

FBaby

How big is the town (you say town not city, so can't be that big)? How old are the kid? Where does your OH works? Could the kid stay in their current school, OH drops on her way to work or on her days off, and her mum picks them up as normal and she then picks them up from her mum?

More travelling for your OH, but she gets the nice house with garden and maybe you can agree that you go and pick the kids up once in a while when you are able to?

FBaby

Keep cross posting. So either kid stay in the same school with more travel, or your OH look for a childminder locally and you agree how the cost comes into it. Why is she is so much debts if she's been working good hours and had her mum to help with childcare?

You haven't said anything about the father.

Cheeky_Monkey

Personally, I think you two moving in together would be the biggest mistake either of you will ever make.

Any sympathy I might have had for you went out the window with you constantly referring to the little boy as 'kid'. What that says to me is that you will resent his presence in your house. You're already giving lots of reasons why it won't work so the solution is quite simple .............. just don't do it and save yourselves a lot of hassle/conflict/unhappiness.

UplandHigh

FBaby wrote: »

Keep cross posting. So either kid stay in the same school with more travel, or your OH look for a childminder locally and you agree how the cost comes into it. Why is she is so much debts if she's been working good hours and had her mum to help with childcare?

You haven't said anything about the father.

Just to be clear I mean city but I just use town it just a habit I have. We live on different sides of the city.

Basically, all of her debt is from her past relationship with the childs father. She lived with him in another part of the country when that relationship ended she moved back to her home city (this one) with her child and give up work etc. She returned to work 3 months ago after the child entered in to year 1 of school.

The father lives about 200 miles away.

I have mentioned the child minder to her but she is not willing to leave her cild with a stranger! Says it makes her uncomfortable and that she couldn't afford it. I certainly can't because I will be paying all household/living costs etc.

I have also said that I will pay her car payment for the first year to allow her to build up a buffer as she is right on edge financially. Unfortunately she needs a car to get to and from work from either location. Same as me I do hundreds of miles per month for work.