Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

elsien

I'm not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time over this - it does all feel very one sided and I'm fairly sure I'd feel resentful in the same situation.
If your gf isn't able to swap things round to make the child care arrangements a little more balanced, then I'd suggest putting moving in to together on hold until you can sort something else out. Because if you're resenting your lack of "me" time while your gf still has lots then it doesn't bode well for your relationship unless you're sure it's only for a short time.

Does she not see your point of view at all?

UplandHigh

FBaby wrote: »

You are confusing two things here, so it's no surprise your OH would feel the same. On one hand you talked about losing out on your free time, which you would resent especially because your OH would still have three days to do what she wants and you wouldn't.

Then you talk about how your job would prevent you from looking after the child any way.

if the latter is indeed true, then clearly what she is suggesting is not an option, so either she doesn't believe you, or you haven't talked about it in detail enough.

You really need to discuss all this together. It's ok to disagree, even to argue (and move on) about all this, much better to do so now then after you've moved in. Either this will make you grow as one unit by which time you'll be ready to move in together, or it will break you, in which case, it will be a blessing that you didn't move in together first.

In a few posts I tried to make clear that I have spoken to my boss about my working arrangements 3 options came up. There would still be a chance that I could get called out at say 11am to a chemical spill and still be there at 6PM etc. That is a risk everyone in my sector has. The options put forward by my boss would definitely allow me to do the morning school run. I would assume that on the shorter days work would be happy for me to stay local/office based and not be sent say 50 miles away for a job meaning I could also do the pick up.

My concern about the reducing the hours for 2 days basically means that the other 3 mid week days I will at best (if office based or local jobs and no serious incidents) be working significantly longer hours. Im currently contracted for 10 hour days (half hour unpaid lunch so paid for 9.5 hours) on the 2 days I could be working 4 hours to 10 - 2:30 (half hour unpaid lunch so 4 hours) that means I might have to make up from my basic contractual arrangement 11 hours each week over the other 3 days if I don't want a pay cut that extends my working day by nearly 4 hours per day on the other 3 days. Im worried about how sustainable that is.

I do also have concerns that my life then basically becomes just work and child minding, when my partners life is a healthier mix of social, child and work. Under my partners current assumption the relationship and everything else hinges on basically one day per week (Saturday). I don't think that is healthy or sustainable.

UplandHigh

Money_maker wrote: »

So what happens during school holidays now and what does she expect will happen in the future?

Well in school holidays she is off 3 days per week will do the minding. the other 2 days would fall to me.

74jax

FBaby wrote: »

I totally disagree! When I moved with my partner, now husband, I certainly didn't expect him to take on the same responsibilities than I would have expected if he was their father. I expected him to support me in my decisions, and inevitably, he found himself worse off financially, but I certainly wouldn't have expected him to take on childcare.

Once again, completely agree and what happened with us.

Bogof_Babe

elsien wrote: »

I'm not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time over this - it does all feel very one sided and I'm fairly sure I'd feel resentful in the same situation.
If your gf isn't able to swap things round to make the child care arrangements a little more balanced, then I'd suggest putting moving in to together on hold until you can sort something else out. Because if you're resenting your lack of "me" time while your gf still has lots then it doesn't bode well for your relationship unless you're sure it's only for a short time.

Does she not see your point of view at all?

Totally agree. Seems she wants it all her own way. Does she not understand that all the household finances seem to fall on your shoulders, so you can't just take a lower grade job or reduce your hours without significant impact on your ability to cover the costs of owning and running a home?

Even if the other parent is 200 miles away surely he needs to accept some responsibility for his child, even if just paying for some childcare and persuading his ex that she isn't in a position to dismiss this option.

Ms_Chocaholic

Ilona wrote: »

Mean spirited and totally selfish. You have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. THEY COME AS A PAIR, GEDDIT? You move in together and you take on the responsibility on equal terms with your partner. Poor you, having to make compromises, missing out on your foot loose and fancy free lifestyle.

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner. You either love the child as your own or you don't. What sort of life is he going to have if his new daddy can't be bothered with him? Sorry, but I can see this scenario ending badly.

Ilona

What compromise is the mother making? None as far as I can see

elsien

I'm also wondering how come if she owes so much, she can manage gym
Membership and spa days but can't afford childcare?

Mojisola

UplandHigh wrote: »

on the 3 days mid week that she isn't in work once she drops the kid off at school she is free to do anything she likes and maintain her current life, such as going the gym, meeting up with friends, going out etc.

At present on those 3 days she goes the gym every day, goes to Yoga class, meets up with friends and her family goes shopping etc.

UplandHigh wrote: »

Financially my partner is in serious debt (5 active defaults) so all household bills and living costs will fall to me.

She will use her current rent money to pay her debts but that will still take nearly 4 years to clear them.

I wouldn't move in with someone who is so irresponsible with money that she is willing to spend regularly on non-essentials while in so much debt.

Ms_Chocaholic

OP - do you mind me asking how long you have been together?

UplandHigh

elsien wrote: »

I'm also wondering how come if she owes so much, she can manage gym
Membership and spa days but can't afford childcare?

The debt is from when she left the childs father.

She has only returned to work 3 months ago hasn't worked in 5 years up to that point I hope that the spas etc. are her treating her self as she now has money coming in and will tail off pretty soon. I have discussed this with her and she says that she will start working out a meaningful repayment plan to deal with her debts. Like I said in an other post if she moves in with me her current rent can also go on debt repayment but it would take a few years to pay off... It is significant!! Unfortunately she has only been paying a nominal amount each month and all of her accounts have defaulted. I am trying to help her with that hence why if she moves in I would cover all living costs until her debts are paid off and/or manageable (which ever is first) as well as paying her car finance for the first year to allow her to build up a financial buffer.

To be fair the gym is £15 per month child care is ridiculous in cost terms!!, I go to the same gym chain and I can understand why she wants to maintain a membership like that as it helps her destress, same for me.