Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

UplandHigh

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

Personally, I think you two moving in together would be the biggest mistake either of you will ever make.

Any sympathy I might have had for you went out the window with you constantly referring to the little boy as 'kid'. What that says to me is that you will resent his presence in your house. You're already giving lots of reasons why it won't work so the solution is quite simple .............. just don't do it and save yourselves a lot of hassle/conflict/unhappiness.

Where I live the term kid is used as the expression to describe a child. Nothing is meant by it.

The problem is, I have to work also I am contractually obliged to work certain hours. I can't afford a pay cut my job is out on the road not office based. See my last post.

I am trying to work out if I am unreasonable expecting that if my partner (the childs mother) can expect a personal and family life is it reasonable to expect that it also extends to me? Surely, if we both move in it is for both of us to compromise and adapt not just one person?

BrassicWoman

UplandHigh wrote: »

I have mentioned the child minder to her but she is not willing to leave her cild with a stranger! Says it makes her uncomfortable and that she couldn't afford it. I certainly can't because I will be paying all household/living costs etc.

I have also said that I will pay her car payment for the first year to allow her to build up a buffer as she is right on edge financially. Unfortunately she needs a car to get to and from work from either location. Same as me I do hundreds of miles per month for work.

This feels like a very unequal relationship; which takes a lot of hard work to make a success of.

I don't know if I would be encouraging her to give up her rental place just yet. Have you had eg a trial month living at your place working round childcare etc?

UplandHigh

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think OP has provided enough information to be able to say whether he is being unreasonable or not.

Please feel free to ask any question you feel relevant.

System

I can see where you are coming from. I have a friend who is with a girl with 2 children. They all live together and he has basically assumed the role of father.

This has put him out with time and money. He does have a good relationship with the children so it has proved easier with time.

Saying that he often finds himself with them but normally after work when he is at home and the mother is working a few evening shifts.

However at weekends if he has football or commitments with friends he usually does that and then Sundays are spent altogether.

I think there needs to be a balance. You dont want to be sacrificing your hobbies and interests to mind the child. People on here saying your taking them both as a package. There is an element of truth in that but it really is up to the mother to have the main responsibility of the child obviously with abit of support from you.

I would wait a while before moving in together. If your overall relationship is working now keep things this way. Your other half needs to get her finances in order so if she needs a childminder she can afford that.

chesky

I think you should stay as you are at present. There’s nothing wrong with living separately and the arrangements your friend wants will only serve to build up your resentment which is no way to start a new relationship. I also think that she’s being unreasonable in not considering a child-minder. They have to be registered with the local authority and are usually very professional.

ManofLeisure_2

Would it be possible for you to move into your gf's place and rent your house for a while? The income could be used to reduce debt and your current childcare arrangement could be maintained.

UplandHigh

FBaby wrote: »

How big is the town (you say town not city, so can't be that big)? How old are the kid? Where does your OH works? Could the kid stay in their current school, OH drops on her way to work or on her days off, and her mum picks them up as normal and she then picks them up from her mum?

More travelling for your OH, but she gets the nice house with garden and maybe you can agree that you go and pick the kids up once in a while when you are able to?

just seen the rest of this post.

My partner without changing jobs couldn't do the school run as her hours are 07:30 - 20:00. on 2 mid week days.

My current basic hours are 08:00 - 18:00 Monday to Friday though I often work longer than this due to the type of job I am in. I can't just walk away from some situations. The other day I worked 8:00 - 19:00 and then had to return to a clients site at 22:00 - until 03:00 to assess and advise on a situation.

The school to my place of work (office where I sign in) is about an hours drive during rush hour so the earliest I could get to work is around 10am and would need to finish around 2:30PM to be there for pick up. I worry that I could be called out to a chemical spill for example (like the other week) and not be able to get away to collect the child, I can't just walk away from jobs like that.

UplandHigh

frannyj543 wrote: »

I can see where you are coming from. I have a friend who is with a girl with 2 children. They all live together and he has basically assumed the role of father.

Saying that he often finds himself with them but normally after work when he is at home and the mother is working a few evening shifts.

However at weekends if he has football or commitments with friends he usually does that and then Sundays are spent altogether.

I think there needs to be a balance. You dont want to be sacrificing your hobbies and interests to mind the child. People on here saying your taking them both as a package. There is an element of truth in that but it really is up to the mother to have the main responsibility of the child obviously with abit of support from you.
.

See we wouldn't have that, the Monday to Friday and Sunday me and my partner would basically be passing ships due to her job and mine. Saturday would be the only day where we could do family stuff.

My partner would have the benefit that on 3 mid weeks days per week when the child is in school that she can maintain her current personal life such as going the gym every day, meeting her family and friends, going shoppings etc.

I expect my life to change and want to adapt but I want balance for both of us but it seems that I have not managed to get that across to everyone on here.

I currently go to night college, and volunteer at a local adventure sport club one evening a week who are paying to put me through the instructor qualifications to continue to help them out. That would stop and I would also probably owe them the training costs! Before anyone shouts the club night is currently a night when my partner is at work. I pick her up afterwards.

FBaby

You are confusing two things here, so it's no surprise your OH would feel the same. On one hand you talked about losing out on your free time, which you would resent especially because your OH would still have three days to do what she wants and you wouldn't.

Then you talk about how your job would prevent you from looking after the child any way.

if the latter is indeed true, then clearly what she is suggesting is not an option, so either she doesn't believe you, or you haven't talked about it in detail enough.

You really need to discuss all this together. It's ok to disagree, even to argue (and move on) about all this, much better to do so now then after you've moved in. Either this will make you grow as one unit by which time you'll be ready to move in together, or it will break you, in which case, it will be a blessing that you didn't move in together first.

Money_maker

So what happens during school holidays now and what does she expect will happen in the future?