Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

chesky

swampduck wrote: »

Way back near the beginning of your thread - before it was hi-jacked with the 'kid' issue (and I lost interest in reading everything!!)- you said you need to service your own debt among other things.

Swampy

I Think[ that the OP said later on that the mortgage was his only debt.

But, by now, I could be confused.

spirit

chesky wrote: »

I Think[ that the OP said later on that the mortgage was his only debt.

But, by now, I could be confused.

I think there was the cost of the course he did that he is paying for.

amersall

The other thing that I'd be worried about, given your GF's attitude to past debt and her current prolific spending, I wouldn't be surprised if she saw the new address as an opportunity to get new credit & store cards.

Precisely, this was what My Brothers girlfriend did, new address to her meant "more debt"

Pixie5740

amersall wrote: »

Precisely, this was what My Brothers girlfriend did, new address to her meant "more debt"

How could a new address give her more access to credit? Credit files are attached to individuals not front doors.

Pixie5740

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I agree with much of what you're saying but most women (or men for that matter) who take a few years out of the workplace to look after a child before it reaches school age, don't look on that as a period of unemployment.

The only people I know who take years out of the work place to care for young children are those who have a partner/spouse who can afford to support the family financially. Many of those families where one parent could be a full time stay at home parent still have two working parents even if one or both just do part time hours. The single parents households I know have a working parent where the parent has worked out the optimum number of hours/pay and benefit combination.

suejb2

I also lost interest around page 9 when the "kid" argument gathered pace. I returned at page 11 .

G.F has debts, I don't recall seeing a total so with a very generalised guesstimate of £400 for rent and o.p said taking four years to clear using my O'level maths equates to £19200! And paying car finance all bills and house stuff that alone is a huge red flag to me without even bringing the 'kid' into the picture.

Why can't the g.f and son move in with her own mum to start paying off her debts and continue with the childcare arrangements?

globetraveller

It's a huge thing to ask on here for help about relationships.Before you did that, you were questioning the path you were thinking about.
Here's a suggestion. Say that you have thought about the change of hours and that it isn't going to work. You will definitely put yourself way down the pecking order for promotion.
I dont get that she has no options. She probably doesn't want to take the options. She needs to take at the very least, an equal share in childminding. She needs to change her spending.
Does she really love you, or just the stability for her? You can't make major changes to your life if you feel she isn't going to pull her weight. I think you knew the answer before you posted. Say you can't make the work changes and see how she reacts.

Seanymph

Unfortunately if you are to allow her to move in with a child it causes greater considerations than if you only had to worry about yourselves. If it doesn't work out you are also taking another significant adult out of a young childs life, so you are completely right to work on the analysis to ensure that it is a sensible thing to do, and likely to succeed as a relationship.

Having read most of the thread I feel that it isn't - sorry to be negative.

Some people feel that they are entitled, and that the world should revolve around them - they don't seem to move on from childhood somehow when they don't have to display consideration for others. Your new g/f strikes me as this sort of person.

To live together, to have a marriage, a successful relationship, you have to be a team, be honest with each other, and have a similar moral and financial compass.

You are not honest with each other (or she isn't with you) - you don't know about her finances, you are supporting her more than she is you, you are expected to enable her working, despite the fact that her hours no doubt pay less than your hours - in any partnership he who earns most receives priority I'm afraid!

You sound lovely, sensible, and committed. But you also sound a bit naive and likely to come out of this not very well.

That you doubt your misgivings could end up making you quite the victim - she will assert her 'rights' so loudly that you end up shouldering everything because as soon as you try to get equal footing you seem to get shot down.

Relationships with step parents take time - and they are never ever parents. Whilst I sympathise with those views that you have to love him as your own and step up and parent full time and all the other altruistic approaches I speak as a step mother of 11 years - whose children have a step father. You do the best you can, but these children have other parents (albeit in your case she is behaving immaturely in that, and he has no contact).

Be careful, your misgivings are right and valid, and I suspect that you may well end up causing a young person more damage and creating a difficult situation for yourself if you move in at the moment.

Smodlet

UplandHigh, I hope you come back and tell us if you have resolved anything with your girlfriend... She seems to think you should take on her son as your own; at the risk of sounding !!!!!y, are you sure you would not be taking on two children?

Your gf sounds completely immature and irresponsible and reminds me, I'm sorry to say, of Anna Maxwell Martin's character in the BBC sitcom "Motherland", who expects her mother to have nothing better to do than to mind her two children, free of charge, at any time and at a moment's notice. At one point she actually claims, "It was your idea to have grandchildren!" Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

As has been mentioned, the most common cause of arguments between couples is finances. If you cannot even be honest with each other about those, what chance do you have?

To answer your original question no, I do not think you are being unreasonable; you may well not be seeing things realistically, either. Your girlfriend most certainly is not. She needs to realise her debts are her responsibility and not yours. Have you considered the effect on your creditworthiness, should you become financially linked with her?

You obviously know it is wise to look before you leap (essential in your line of work, I would have thought) as you asked advice of a bunch of strangers on the internet. It seems to me that most posters on here, your mates and your own instincts are all telling you the same thing. Good luck to you.

seven-day-weekend

I actually don't know what the fuss about 'the kid' is about, if it is genuinely a colloquialism. It's just like saying 'the nipper', 'the youngster', 'the bairn', 'the wean', or round here in the West Midlands 'the bab'.