Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

Tabbytabitha

Pay_me wrote: »

Just to add other information to the prospect that maybe OP hasn't had much quality time with the child so far to be comfortable in saying Our Kid. OP simply may not be acting as a Step Dad at this moment in time.

Flicking back through the postings.

They been together about 2 years.
The child is 5 so was 3 when they got together.
He works currently 8am to 6pm
They don't currently live together

Adding some logic based on my experience of dating a woman with a child I didn't meet the child for the 1st time until about month 6 of the relationship so will apply that to OP that leaves 18 months to bond depending on circumstances and the mother and his willingness etc

If he finishes work at 6pm let's say he gets to hers at 7 if he goes straight there surely a 3 year old is probably in bed by then? My niece was. If he goes home eats tea, gets changed first he might not get to hers until 8pm or later surely 9 times out of 10 a 3 year old is definitely in bed by then. Throw in the mother will also want a child free evening if dating and been looking after her child all day? Based on my experience every time I went round to my now exes house in the evening the child was always in bed even 18 months in.

At 4/5 the child is in reception class again highly likely the child in bed around 7 or 7:30pm ish based on my niece

Throw in that they will have had plenty of dates just the adults it is plausible that he might not have actually had that much quality bonding time with the child so far. In my 18 months I met my then partners child about 7 times mainly for a few hours at a time. I would not have been saying Our kid at that point!!

The child's father lives in another city and has little to do with the child. What we don't know is when that happened? From birth or last month? Maybe when OP started dating the mother the father was seeing the child every weekend freeing up the mother to date?

I hope the OP comes back with more information. Very interesting thread and response to it.

chesky wrote: »

I must admit that I was put off by the use of the word kid in both the title and the first post. It quite put me off the OP (that’s probably because I come from effete London). But, as the thread went on and he became more explanatory, I got to really rather like his honesty and openness.

But I don’t hold out much hope for this relationship, long-term. I think his girlfriend is just a tad selfish. She went with the OP to view all the houses, fully knowing what problems would be involved in the location (better than he would - after all, he’s a single man and wouldn’t realise in the same way a mother would).

Very close to what I think myself.

74jax

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

If I were suggesting an outing with them and said "Are you bringing the kid?" I'd expect her to be quite offended, and rightly so.

I'm from the lake district. If you had said this to me, I'd have replied 'yeah I am' put our coats on and had a nice day.

No way would I be offended. And rightly so.

Caroline_a

OP all this scrapping about your terminology doesn't help you at all. Hopefully you've had a thoughtful Christmas with your partner and child and (usage of the word kid notwithstanding) have read and digested what people have said. Also hopefully you have had chance to discuss your girlfriend's financial situation in detail with her - or at least start the discussion.

The thing about not leaving her child with strangers is total rubbish. As others have said, teachers in schools are 'strangers' as are teaching assistants! She's taking the P to be honest, and trying to use you as a mug. I get really annoyed when single mothers do this sort of thing - it's hard being a single person, but that doesn't mean you behave like this!! Yes it's nice to have 'me time' - I seem to remember that my 'me time' was a nice hot long bath. I couldn't afford anything much else, but I wasn't in debt either.

You need to both set out a SOA so that you can both see where your money is going - I suspect you already know that, but you need to see just how much she is spending on herself rather than on care for her child. Then you can decide whether to walk away or not. You say that your friends have all said don't let her move in - virtually every person on this thread has said the same thing. We all have a range of experience, and we can't all be wrong!

Marvel1

I would if they got offended by saying "Are you bring your child?"

Must be different parts of the country I can understand "Are you bringing the kids?" but not "Are you bringing the kid?"

seven-day-weekend

I wish people would stop referring to the guy as the 'stepfather' or 'the prospective father'. He is neither. He is the child's mum's boyfriend. If they move in together he will be the child's mum's cohabiting partner. He is not officially the stepfather unless they are married.

To me it puts a whole different light upon it. If they were married, he obviously would have shown a commitment to the child. As yet, he has no need to. He will have to if they move in together, but that is why he is here asking questions, to help him to make up his mind.

Serendipitious

cjdavies wrote: »

I would if they got offended by saying "Are you bring your child?"

Must be different parts of the country I can understand "Are you bringing the kids?" but not "Are you bringing the kid?"

It is a pity the OP's girlfriend only has the one child - if she had several, 'the kid' would be pluralised into 'the kids' and then it would have read better, and there presumably wouldn't have been all the nit-picking over his phrasing.

suki1964

I just wish everyone stopped the infighting and answer the simple question that was posed


So some got offended by the terminology, that’s their problem, their own hang ups and they really need to stop projecting , nothing to do with the question in hand

Anoneemoose

suki1964 wrote: »

I just wish everyone stopped the infighting and answer the simple question that was posed


So some got offended by the terminology, that’s their problem, their own hang ups and they really need to stop projecting , nothing to do with the question in hand

I really can’t believe the argument about the terminology is still going on!

DUTR

Caroline_a wrote: »

OP all this scrapping about your terminology doesn't help you at all. Hopefully you've had a thoughtful Christmas with your partner and child and (usage of the word kid notwithstanding) have read and digested what people have said. Also hopefully you have had chance to discuss your girlfriend's financial situation in detail with her - or at least start the discussion.

The thing about not leaving her child with strangers is total rubbish. As others have said, teachers in schools are 'strangers' as are teaching assistants! She's taking the P to be honest, and trying to use you as a mug. I get really annoyed when single mothers do this sort of thing - it's hard being a single person, but that doesn't mean you behave like this!! Yes it's nice to have 'me time' - I seem to remember that my 'me time' was a nice hot long bath. I couldn't afford anything much else, but I wasn't in debt either.

You need to both set out a SOA so that you can both see where your money is going - I suspect you already know that, but you need to see just how much she is spending on herself rather than on care for her child. Then you can decide whether to walk away or not. You say that your friends have all said don't let her move in - virtually every person on this thread has said the same thing. We all have a range of experience, and we can't all be wrong!

I'd say run as fast as Usain Bolt with the stamina of Mo Farah

Tabbytabitha

Anoneemoose wrote: »

I really can’t believe the argument about the terminology is still going on!

Unfortunately, my attempt to pour oil on troubled water had the effect if pouring it on burning embers instead. I'm obviously not cut out to play the mediator!