Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

meer53

You're not being unreasonable OP. If you're having doubts now, hang fire with moving in together until you have talked more with your OH about how the relationship will work.

Ilona

ska_lover wrote: »

I was disgusted at the way some posters were speaking to the Op in the early stages of this thread

I wasn't going to reply again, but I feel I ought to explain my first reaction to the Opening Post, because of the similarities between this story and my own family. Sorry but this is a bit long winded.

I have an older brother, born in Germany, the first child of my mum's first marriage. They were divorced, my mum was a single mum in bombed out Hamburg, she lost her home and walked the streets with her child in a pram.

She met my father, he was in the British army stationed over there. They started a relationship. After the war my mother came to England and married my father. She had no money, nothing, and left her son behind with his birth father. My brother was four years old. In the beginning letters came back and forth, I always knew I had a brother, for years I asked my mother if we could look for him. She always said no. She told me she left him behind because she thought it would be better that he stayed in his birth country. For years I believed her. It was a lie. She had three more children, me and two others.

33 years later my brother found us. He was, 37. We were over the moon. Sadly my mother died ten days before she was due to meet him again.

I met my German brother several times after that, and he filled me in on what really happened. My father told my mother that she could come to England and get married, but he didn't want her son. Imagine having to make that decision. I think she made the wrong decision, but if she had stayed there, I would never have been born.

My father turned out to be a bully, he had no interest in family life, preferring to spend most of his money in the pub with his mates, leaving my mum short. All those years that I could have been growing up with an older brother are lost. The pain I carry with me will be there forever.

This is why I always maintain that the child should come first. If people don't agree with that, so be it. I find this whole thread quite distressing, it's all about who should give up what, who should make changes, who earns more, who earns less, who spends more, who has more free time. If neither party are able to compromise then the relationship will not survive. OP, if you are not able to take that child in, walk away.

Ilona

DUTR

Ilona wrote: »

I wasn't going to reply again, but I feel I ought to explain my first reaction to the Opening Post, because of the similarities between this story and my own family. Sorry but this is a bit long winded.

I have an older brother, born in Germany, the first child of my mum's first marriage. They were divorced, my mum was a single mum in bombed out Hamburg, she lost her home and walked the streets with her child in a pram.

She met my father, he was in the British army stationed over there. They started a relationship. After the war my mother came to England and married my father. She had no money, nothing, and left her son behind with his birth father. My brother was four years old. In the beginning letters came back and forth, I always knew I had a brother, for years I asked my mother if we could look for him. She always said no. She told me she left him behind because she thought it would be better that he stayed in his birth country. For years I believed her. It was a lie. She had three more children, me and two others.

33 years later my brother found us. He was, 37. We were over the moon. Sadly my mother died ten days before she was due to meet him again.

I met my German brother several times after that, and he filled me in on what really happened. My father told my mother that she could come to England and get married, but he didn't want her son. Imagine having to make that decision. I think she made the wrong decision, but if she had stayed there, I would never have been born.

My father turned out to be a bully, he had no interest in family life, preferring to spend most of his money in the pub with his mates, leaving my mum short. All those years that I could have been growing up with an older brother are lost. The pain I carry with me will be there forever.

This is why I always maintain that the child should come first. If people don't agree with that, so be it. I find this whole thread quite distressing, it's all about who should give up what, who should make changes, who earns more, who earns less, who spends more, who has more free time. If neither party are able to compromise then the relationship will not survive. OP, if you are not able to take that child in, walk away.

Ilona

It's not a matter if he is able to, the child is not primarily his responsiblity, it is his partner's and the partner's child father.
It strikes me from what I have read that he is being groomed to being used.

meer53

Ilona wrote: »

I wasn't going to reply again, but I feel I ought to explain my first reaction to the Opening Post, because of the similarities between this story and my own family. Sorry but this is a bit long winded.

I have an older brother, born in Germany, the first child of my mum's first marriage. They were divorced, my mum was a single mum in bombed out Hamburg, she lost her home and walked the streets with her child in a pram.

She met my father, he was in the British army stationed over there. They started a relationship. After the war my mother came to England and married my father. She had no money, nothing, and left her son behind with his birth father. My brother was four years old. In the beginning letters came back and forth, I always knew I had a brother, for years I asked my mother if we could look for him. She always said no. She told me she left him behind because she thought it would be better that he stayed in his birth country. For years I believed her. It was a lie. She had three more children, me and two others.

33 years later my brother found us. He was, 37. We were over the moon. Sadly my mother died ten days before she was due to meet him again.

I met my German brother several times after that, and he filled me in on what really happened. My father told my mother that she could come to England and get married, but he didn't want her son. Imagine having to make that decision. I think she made the wrong decision, but if she had stayed there, I would never have been born.

My father turned out to be a bully, he had no interest in family life, preferring to spend most of his money in the pub with his mates, leaving my mum short. All those years that I could have been growing up with an older brother are lost. The pain I carry with me will be there forever.

This is why I always maintain that the child should come first. If people don't agree with that, so be it. I find this whole thread quite distressing, it's all about who should give up what, who should make changes, who earns more, who earns less, who spends more, who has more free time. If neither party are able to compromise then the relationship will not survive. OP, if you are not able to take that child in, walk away.

Ilona

Your post is incredibly sad but it's your story, not the OP's.

The OP is seriously thinking things through before taking his relationship a step further. I applaud him for doing this, too many people these days jump into situations involving children without thinking things through before hand. Better he sorts this situation out before moving in. It's a very sensible post, not distressing in any way.

Jenniefour

Ilona, I am sorry to hear about the situation in your family, a very sad story as Meer53 has said.

The difference here, for me, is that nowhere has OP said he doesn't want the child or accept him, quite the contrary, my impression is that he has a very good relationship with his partners son.

BucksLady

lessonlearned wrote: »

Poor little Cinders (the Ops Girlfriend) can’t cope without a man...she can’t stand on her own two feet, can’t support her child without getting into debt, relies on the State and her mother.etc. Then eventually she gets a job but still can’t manage, , she can’t cope with sorting out childcare etc.

Prince Charming (UplandsHigh) steps in........buys a three bedroomed house to provide a roof over her head and offers to support her and her child whilst she uses the money she saves on rent to clear her debts. He even offers to help fund her car.

And they all “Live Happily Ever After” ........:rotfl:

Except Cinders then gets greedy........she wants Prince Charming to do even more. She wants him to mind the baby whilst she continues to do her own thing, going to the gym, spa and shopping, she wants him to foot the bills so she can carry on spending instead of knuckling down and clearing.

Luckily Prince Charming starts to have doubts. He notices how his friends and family live and it doesn’t square up to what his Cinders wants from him.

He comes onto a public forum for advice.........

Yes, for advice and not to be mocked.

PeacefulWaters

cjdavies wrote: »

I have always wondered in these situations does the step parent also not get involved in not telling the child off when coing something wrong or ensuring they finish their food when they don't want to.

I was always comfortable talking to my step kids about their actions. I'm not sure "telling off" is how I'd describe it though.

I was always comfortable with them leaving food on their plates as long as they'd eaten some.

They're 30 and 27 now and I believe I still have an excellent relationship with both, despite having divorced their mum.

"You're not my real dad" are words I've never had said to me.

tibawo

I have dipped in and out of this thread. Being a single mum I know that for me to be happy in a relationship would be for my partner to accept that my children come as part of the deal. However, ultimately they are my children and I would probably ask/discuss the childcare knowing that at the end of the day it would be me making the most sacrifices or bring to the table different solutions.


you need your me time too .

Tabbytabitha

Jenniefour wrote: »

Ilona, I am sorry to hear about the situation in your family, a very sad story as Meer53 has said.

The difference here, for me, is that nowhere has OP said he doesn't want the child or accept him, quite the contrary, my impression is that he has a very good relationship with his partners son.

I think the OP got a lot of people's backs up by continually referring to "the kid" and, personally, I'm not convinced by the regional language excuse. There was also a lot of talk about "childminding" rather than about spending time with his new stepson and building up this relationship. I know he isn't the boy's birth father but he's been in a relationship with the mother for most of the child's life so will have been the father figure for some time. In those circumstances, childminding doesn't seem like the way to look at things.

I have no doubt that the girlfriend is being inflexible and expecting too much help but, at the same time, the OP seems to view family life as work and wants to keep all his current hobbies and interests going once they move in together. Quite honestly, they both come over as pretty selfish and not ready to become a real family unit at the moment.

We all have different takes on these things, as is clear from this thread.

Runningfast

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I think the OP got a lot of people's backs up by continually referring to "the kid" and, personally, I'm not convinced by the regional language excuse. There was also a lot of talk about "childminding" rather than about spending time with his new stepson and building up this relationship. I know he isn't the boy's birth father but he's been in a relationship with the mother for most of the child's life so will have been the father figure for some time. In those circumstances, childminding doesn't seem like the way to look at things.

I have no doubt that the girlfriend is being inflexible and expecting too much help but, at the same time, the OP seems to view family life as work and wants to keep all his current hobbies and interests going once they move in together. Quite honestly, they both come over as pretty selfish and not ready to become a real family unit at the moment.

We all have different takes on these things, as is clear from this thread.

I work in Liverpool the use of the word ' the kid' is believable in this context. I often hear people and parents say 'our kid' or 'the kid/s' in conversation depending on context.

On the hobbies front I don't read it the same as you. I see a bloke wanting to keep a bit of me time to unwind and recover i.e the gym and to see his dad and nephew on a Sunday morning. I think I read in one post he was also in night college. It is a lot to give up!

I'm not sure if you are a parent I am, and I agree with him that a family cannot function properly if one of the parents is being run in to the ground. From what I have read and what is potentially being expected of him, it is too much. I think the majority of people would suffer, eventually depression may set in if that was their week day in day out. I think he will be stressed pretty quickly and that will be detrimental to all in the family.

Me and my other half alternate staying in with the children we have family time every weekend both days we do stuff but during week we get 2 evenings each out of the house. Funnily enough I go the gym to unwind also.