Relationship, Step kid, moving in - Am I being Unreasonable?

SamSam17

I don’t think you two need to move in together yet. You seem to resent her having time off while expecting you to take on more responsibilities. It seems like your partner is expecting daddy for her child who is willing to do similar compromises as a father would. You have made it absolutely clear you’re interested in playing daddy to this child (nothing wrong with that - he isn’t yours).

Be completely honest with her and until you have a clear plan in place don’t move in together. I don’t see this relationship going further tbh. You seem to resent his kid requiring your time and helping her pay off debt. Resentment will kill this relationship soon enough

sheramber

I am married with children but no way would I expect my husband to do what she is expecting you to do.
That is not a workable arrangement.

Couples have to work out the best arrangement for them but it should not be one sided.

When I went back to work after a spell at home looking after the kids I arranged my work hour round my husband's hours, including him working away at times. He was thee main wage earner, after all.

Spendless

sheramber wrote: »

When I went back to work after a spell at home looking after the kids I arranged my work hour round my husband's hours, including him working away at times. He was thee main wage earner, after all.

This is exactly what I've had to do, and that includes at the beginning of last year when I found myself unexpectedly out of work. I had to rule some jobs out for applying to as the work hours just weren't suitable for our children and home life. My youngest was 12 at this point.

OP - Neither of you has school or child friendly work hours. I know several women who are Nurses and Retail store managers and have hours outside of the 'normal' childcare availability. In each case these women are helped out by their own families (usually their retired Mum or parents). If this family help was to stop, there's no way they could continue in their job (or do the same hours). Your girlfriend is in the same position, if she moves away from her Mum then the childcare isn't available. I can understand if she's only just returned to work she doesn't want to look for something else ...yet. That's the whole crux of it though, if girlfriend's Mum can't help out then work hours/jobs (for one of you) are going to have to be changed, or she can't move away.

Tiglath

I'm a stepmother of 20 years standing. I've read through the thread and I think she's taking you for a ride, and I definitely don't think you should be moving in together. It seems that she wants you to sort it all out and won't take any responsibility herself. Don't do it - you'll mourn the life you gave up, and might find yourself in a sticky situation where you're desperate to get out once they've moved in and it isn't working. Step-parenthood is a huge responsibility and it is very rewarding, but only if the biological parent doesn't dump on you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

Parents (including step-parents) that work need to organise proper paid childcare in order for them to work.

Having said that, you ARE benefiting. You will be getting money towards your utilities and food and will have a large number of domestic chores done for you and the icing on the cake is that the house is, and always will be, in your name only.

You benefit way more from the proposed set up than she does BUT she needs to organise childcare - it's what working parents do.

suki1964

I'm a step mother and when myself and my husband got together, I was the high earner

You and your partner are not ready to make the next step of moving in together. She has debts of which the details are hazy to you, she has an income of which the details are also hazy to you

These two issues you must know the full details of if you can ever move forward. I'm obviously a lot older then you, and if never dawned on me to keep my financial details a secret from my partner, when we did move in together we automatically got a joint bank account , there has never been secrets about what either of us have earned or spent. Over the years the chief earner has changed and changed about a few times, and for a long time he has had to support financially me through ill health. There were times when I supported him, his ex wife and kids

Luckily neither have ever had ( during our relationship ) unmanageable debt. We have since we have been together incurred debt, manageable and agreed by both of us. And the truth of it was , I wouldn't allow him to move in until my own personal debt had been cleared by myself and I had built myself a nest egg

Sort the fianances and the secrecy about them before you take this relationship any further for your own peace of mind. Just because your peers are settled with families, doesn't mean you need to jump in feet first wearing a blindfold

You know deep down that none of this is sitting easy with you as you have spoken to friends and family about the situation and have now turned to a forum of complete strangers

spirit

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

Parents (including step-parents) that work need to organise proper paid childcare in order for them to work.

Having said that, you ARE benefiting. You will be getting money towards your utilities and food and will have a large number of domestic chores done for you and the icing on the cake is that the house is, and always will be, in your name only.

You benefit way more from the proposed set up than she does BUT she needs to organise childcare - it's what working parents do.

I don't agree, for starters (leaving aside for a minute the inequality in down time they would each have) he will lose his single person council tax discount. Bills will be more if she is home all day for 3 days with the heating etc on. As i read it, most of her money will go on paying down the debt. Also he will be worse off for a year as he says he will be paying her car finance.

The house may well be in his name, but, if they were to separate some time down the line, she could claim an interest in it.

It's not as an attractive proposition for him as it is her.

BucksLady

Op, in your heart you know that your partner hasn't been fair to you and now I think you should ask yourself whether she ever would be. Sadly some people are intrinsically very selfish and I do wonder if she's one of those. However, that is for you to decide

Marvel1

spirit wrote: »

I don't agree, for starters (leaving aside for a minute the inequality in down time they would each have) he will lose his single person council tax discount.

It may even be cheaper if they split it 50/50.

Council tax normally for a month for 2 adults = £100
25% discount for single person discount = £75
50/50 split for 2 adults = £50

seven-day-weekend

Pa_Ja wrote: »

Keeping it brief. If I was your partner i'd dump you.
Her priority is the child. Her circumstances requires you to help parent. At the first whiff of this you start to think of yourself. I'm not judging you btw. I'd probably have felt the same if I were in your shoes however I'm a father now and realize my social life doesn't come before my children.
You knew she had baggage when you took her on. You need to either man-up and be the partner she thought you were or face the consequences of standing your ground.

If you were my partner I'd dump you.

Her child, her responsibility. I would not expect a live-in-partner who is not the child's parent to put their life on hold.

I'm sure the OP is willing to help out, but the stated scenario is too much to expect.